Лучшие смешные рассказы / Best Funny Stories

And then, if there are some pennies in the cap, the author pretends that Angelina thought this and said that, and that Edwin did all sorts of wonderful things. We know he is making it all up. [42] We know he is making up just to please us. But we know well enough that if we stop to throw the pennies into the cap, the author can do another things.
The manager bangs his drum.
“Come here! come here!” he cries, “we are going to pretend that Mrs. Johnson [43] is a princess, and old man Johnson is going to pretend to be a pirate. Come here, come here, and be in time!”
So Mrs. Johnson, pretending to be a princess, comes out of a paper house that we agree to pretend is a castle; and old man Johnson, pretending to be a pirate, is swimming in the thing we agree to pretend is the ocean. Mrs. Johnson pretends to be in love with him, but we know she is not. And Johnson pretends to be a very terrible person; and Mrs. Johnson pretends, till eleven o’clock, to believe it. And we pay money to sit for two hours and listen to them.
But as I explained at the beginning, my friend is a mad person.
 
Упражнения
 
1. Выберите правильный вариант:
1. We make believe about quite serious things.
2. We make believe about quite stupid things.
3. We make believe about quite incredible things.
4. We make believe about quite common things.
ОТВЕТ: We make believe about quite serious things.
2. Where does a young man, who is in love with Angelina, live?
1. in Bayswater
2. in Dover
3. in London
4. in Notting Hill
ОТВЕТ: in Notting Hill
3. Who is the Prince of Wales?
1. It is a title granted to princes lived in Wales.
2. It is a title granted to princes born in England.
3. It is a title granted to princes married in Wales.
4. It is a title granted to princes born in Wales.
ОТВЕТ: It is a title granted to princes born in Wales.
4. How many cigars did a Customs House official find?
1. 35 cigars
2. 48 cigars
3. 24 cigars
4. 53 cigars
ОТВЕТ: 48 cigars
5. “Jovial” is NOT…
1. amiable
2. festive
3. angry
4. good-natured
ОТВЕТ: angry
6. What does it mean “to save time”?
1. to have extra time
2. to do useless things
3. to have a good time
4. to sleep
ОТВЕТ: to have extra time
7. Выберите правильный вариант:
1. When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to hell.
2. When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to heaven.
3. When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to London.
4. When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to Scotland.
ОТВЕТ: When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to heaven.
8. What is Mrs. Johnson’s paper house?
1. a hut
2. a car
3. a bathroom
4. a castle
ОТВЕТ: a castle
9. Who must be a people of wonderful self-control?
1. English
2. French
3. German
4. Scottish
ОТВЕТ: English
10. Выберите нужный глагол:
She must __________ for the stage.
1. dance
2. gain
3. go
4. train
ОТВЕТ: She must train for the stage.
11. Выберите нужные глаголы:
Our host’s wine – — always the best we – — ever tasted.
1. was, will
2. is, have
3. is, are
4. has, have
ОТВЕТ: Our host’s wine is always the best we have ever tasted.
12. Выберите нужный предлог:
Any society is founded _________ the make-believe that everybody is charming.
1. on
2. in
3. at
4. after
ОТВЕТ: Any society is founded on the make-believe that everybody is charming.
13. Ответьте на вопросы:
1. How many actors are mentioned in the story?
2. What are their names?
3. What have you learned about make-believe?
4. What do you like and what don’t you like in Miss Screecher?
5. What would you do if you were Mrs. Johnson?
6. What is the end of the story?
7. How can you explain the title of the story?
8. Retell the story.
14. Заполните таблицу:
ОТВЕТ:
 
Why We Hate the Foreigner
 
The advantage of the foreigner is following: he is born good. He does not have to try to be good, as we, the Englishmen, do. He does not have to start the New Year with the decision to be good, and succeed till the middle of January. He is just good all the year round. When they tell a foreigner to mount or descend from a tram [44] from the right side, he will never try to descend that tram from the left side.
In Brussels [45] once I saw a lawless foreigner who was trying to enter a tram from the wrong side. The door was open: he was standing close beside it. A line of traffic was in his way, so he just entered when the conductor was not looking, and took his seat. The astonishment of the conductor was immense. How did he get there?
The conductor was watching the proper entrance, and the man had not passed him. Later, the true explanation came to the conductor, but he hesitated to accuse that man of such crime.
Anyway, the conductor appealed to the passenger himself. Was his presence a miracle or a sin? The passenger confessed. The conductor requested him to leave the tram immediately. The passenger refused to do so, a halt was called, [46] and the police arrived. As usual, they appeared from the ground. [47] At first the sergeant did not believe the conductor’s statement. Myself, in the passenger’s case, [48] I would lie. But he was proud, or stupid – one of the two, and he told the truth. The police said that he had to descend immediately and wait for the next tram. Other policemen were arriving from every corner: nowhere to run. The passenger decided get down. He walked to the proper door, but that was not correct. He had mounted the wrong side, he must descend on the wrong side, too. After that the conductor told a sermon from the centre of the tram on the danger of going from the wrong side.
There is a law in Germany – an excellent law it is – that nobody may scatter paper about the street. An English military friend told me that, one day in Dresden, [49] he tore a long letter into some fifty fragments and threw them behind him. A policeman stopped him and explained to him quite politely the law. My military friend agreed that it was a very good law, thanked the man for his information, and said that for the future he would bear it in mind. [50] But the policeman was not satisfied. He offered my friend to pick up those fifty pieces of paper. My friend did not see himself, an English General, on his hands and knees in the main street of Dresden, in the middle of the afternoon, picking up paper.