Pygmalion

of morals it’s a positive crime to give this chap a farthing. And yet I feel a sort of rough justice in his claim.

Doolittle
That’s it, Governor. That’s all I say. A father’s heart, as it were.


Pickering
Well, I know the feeling; but really it seems hardly right⁠—


Doolittle
Don’t say that, Governor. Don’t look at it that way. What am I, Governors both? I ask you, what am I? I’m one of the undeserving poor: that’s what I am. Think of what that means to a man. It means that he’s up agen middle class morality all the time. If there’s anything going, and I put in for a bit of it, it’s always the same story: “You’re undeserving; so you can’t have it.” But my needs is as great as the most deserving widow’s that ever got money out of six different charities in one week for the death of the same husband. I don’t need less than a deserving man: I need more. I don’t eat less hearty than him; and I drink a lot more. I want a bit of amusement, cause I’m a thinking man. I want cheerfulness and a song and a band when I feel low. Well, they charge me just the same for everything as they charge the deserving. What is middle class morality? Just an excuse for never giving me anything. Therefore, I ask you, as two gentlemen, not to play that game on me. I’m playing straight with you. I ain’t pretending to be deserving. I’m undeserving; and I mean to go on being undeserving. I like it; and that’s the truth. Will you take advantage of a man’s nature to do him out of the price of his own daughter what he’s brought up and fed and clothed by the sweat of his brow until she’s growed big enough to be interesting to you two gentlemen? Is five pounds unreasonable? I put it to you; and I leave it to you.


Higgins
Rising, and going over to Pickering. Pickering: if we were to take this man in hand for three months, he could choose between a seat in the Cabinet and a popular pulpit in Wales.


Pickering
What do you say to that, Doolittle?


Doolittle
Not me, Governor, thank you kindly. I’ve heard all the preachers and all the prime ministers⁠—for I’m a thinking man and game for politics or religion or social reform same as all the other amusements⁠—and I tell you it’s a dog’s life anyway you look at it. Undeserving poverty is my line. Taking one station in society with another, it’s⁠—it’s⁠—well, it’s the only one that has any ginger in it, to my taste.


Higgins
I suppose we must give him a fiver.


Pickering
He’ll make a bad use of it, I’m afraid.


Doolittle
Not me, Governor, so help me I won’t. Don’t you be afraid that I’ll save it and spare it and live idle on it. There won’t be a penny of it left by Monday: I’ll have to go to work same as if I’d never had it. It won’t pauperize me, you bet. Just one good spree for myself and the missus, giving pleasure to ourselves and employment to others, and satisfaction to you to think it’s not been throwed away. You couldn’t spend it better.


Higgins
Taking out his pocket book and coming between Doolittle and the piano. This is irresistible. Let’s give him ten. He offers two notes to the dustman.


Doolittle
No, Governor. She wouldn’t have the heart to spend ten; and perhaps I shouldn’t neither. Ten pounds is a lot of money: it makes a man feel prudent like; and then goodbye to happiness. You give me what I ask you, Governor: not a penny more, and not a penny less.


Pickering
Why don’t you marry that missus of yours? I rather draw the line at encouraging that sort of immorality.


Doolittle
Tell her so, Governor: tell her so. I’m willing. It’s me that suffers by it. I’ve no hold on her. I got to be agreeable to her. I got to give her presents. I got to buy her clothes something sinful. I’m a slave to that woman, Governor, just because I’m not her lawful husband. And she knows it too. Catch her marrying me! Take my advice, Governor: marry Eliza while she’s young and don’t know no better. If you don’t you’ll be sorry for it after. If you do, she’ll be sorry for it after; but better you than her, because you’re a man, and she’s only a woman and don’t know how to be happy anyhow.


Higgins
Pickering: if we listen to this man another minute, we shall have no convictions left. To Doolittle. Five pounds I think you said.


Doolittle
Thank you kindly, Governor.


Higgins
You’re sure you won’t take ten?


Doolittle
Not now. Another time, Governor.


Higgins
Handing him a five-pound note. Here you are.


Doolittle
Thank you, Governor. Good morning.



He hurries to the door, anxious to get away with his booty. When he opens it he is confronted with a dainty and exquisitely clean young Japanese lady in a simple blue cotton kimono printed cunningly with small white jasmine blossoms.  Mrs. Pearce is with her. He gets out of her way deferentially and apologizes. Beg pardon, miss.


The Japanese Lady
Garn! Don’t you know your own daughter?


Doolittle
Exclaiming. Bly me! it’s Eliza!


Higgins
What’s that! This!


Pickering
By Jove!


Liza
Don’t I look silly?


Higgins
Silly?


 Mrs. Pearce
At the door. Now,  Mr. Higgins, please don’t say anything to make the girl conceited about herself.


Higgins
Conscientiously. Oh! Quite right,  Mrs. Pearce. To Liza. Yes: damned silly.


 Mrs. Pearce
Please, sir.


Higgins
Correcting himself. I mean extremely silly.


Liza
I should look all right with my hat on. She takes up her hat; puts it on; and walks across the room to the fireplace with a fashionable air.


Higgins
A new fashion, by George! And it ought to look horrible!


Doolittle
With fatherly pride. Well, I never thought she’d clean up as good