Pygmalion

Hill
Going to him with confident familiarity. How do you do?

Higgins
Staring at her. I’ve seen you before somewhere. I haven’t the ghost of a notion where; but I’ve heard your voice. Drearily. It doesn’t matter. You’d better sit down.


 Mrs. Higgins
I’m sorry to say that my celebrated son has no manners. You mustn’t mind him.


Miss Eynsford Hill
Gaily. I don’t. She sits in the Elizabethan chair.


 Mrs. Eynsford Hill
A little bewildered. Not at all. She sits on the ottoman between her daughter and  Mrs. Higgins, who has turned her chair away from the writing-table.


Higgins
Oh, have I been rude? I didn’t mean to be. He goes to the central window, through which, with his back to the company, he contemplates the river and the flowers in Battersea Park on the opposite bank as if they were a frozen dessert.



The Parlormaid returns, ushering in Pickering.


The Parlormaid
Colonel Pickering. She withdraws.


Pickering
How do you do,  Mrs. Higgins?


 Mrs. Higgins
So glad you’ve come. Do you know  Mrs. Eynsford Hill⁠—Miss Eynsford Hill? Exchange of bows. The Colonel brings the Chippendale chair a little forward between  Mrs. Eynsford Hill and  Mrs. Higgins, and sits down.


Pickering
Has Henry told you what we’ve come for?


Higgins
Over his shoulder. We were interrupted: damn it!


 Mrs. Higgins
Oh Henry, Henry, really!


 Mrs. Eynsford Hill
Half rising. Are we in the way?


 Mrs. Higgins
Rising and making her sit down again. No, no. You couldn’t have come more fortunately: we want you to meet a friend of ours.


Higgins
Turning hopefully. Yes, by George! We want two or three people. You’ll do as well as anybody else.



The Parlormaid returns, ushering Freddy.


The Parlormaid
 Mr. Eynsford Hill.


Higgins
Almost audibly, past endurance. God of Heaven! another of them.


Freddy
Shaking hands with  Mrs. Higgins. Ahdedo?


 Mrs. Higgins
Very good of you to come. Introducing. Colonel Pickering.


Freddy
Bowing. Ahdedo?


 Mrs. Higgins
I don’t think you know my son, Professor Higgins.


Freddy
Going to Higgins. Ahdedo?


Higgins
Looking at him much as if he were a pickpocket. I’ll take my oath I’ve met you before somewhere. Where was it?


Freddy
I don’t think so.


Higgins
Resignedly. It don’t matter, anyhow. Sit down. He shakes Freddy’s hand, and almost slings him on the ottoman with his face to the windows; then comes round to the other side of it.


Higgins
Well, here we are, anyhow! He sits down on the ottoman next  Mrs. Eynsford Hill, on her left.. And now, what the devil are we going to talk about until Eliza comes?


 Mrs. Higgins
Henry: you are the life and soul of the Royal Society’s soirees; but really you’re rather trying on more commonplace occasions.


Higgins
Am I? Very sorry. Beaming suddenly. I suppose I am, you know. Uproariously. Ha, ha!


Miss Eynsford Hill
Who considers Higgins quite eligible matrimonially. I sympathize. I haven’t any small talk. If people would only be frank and say what they really think!


Higgins
Relapsing into gloom. Lord forbid!


 Mrs. Eynsford Hill
Taking up her daughter’s cue. But why?


Higgins
What they think they ought to think is bad enough, Lord knows; but what they really think would break up the whole show. Do you suppose it would be really agreeable if I were to come out now with what I really think?


Miss Eynsford Hill
Gaily. Is it so very cynical?


Higgins
Cynical! Who the dickens said it was cynical? I mean it wouldn’t be decent.


 Mrs. Eynsford Hill
Seriously. Oh! I’m sure you don’t mean that,  Mr. Higgins.


Higgins
You see, we’re all savages, more or less. We’re supposed to be civilized and cultured⁠—to know all about poetry and philosophy and art and science, and so on; but how many of us know even the meanings of these names? To Miss Eynsford Hill. What do you know of poetry? To  Mrs. Eynsford Hill. What do you know of science? Indicating Freddy. What does he know of art or science or anything else? What the devil do you imagine I know of philosophy?


 Mrs. Higgins
Warningly. Or of manners, Henry?


The Parlormaid
Opening the door. Miss Doolittle. She withdraws.


Higgins
Rising hastily and running to  Mrs. Higgins. Here she is, mother. He stands on tiptoe and makes signs over his mother’s head to Eliza to indicate to her which lady is her hostess.



Eliza, who is exquisitely dressed, produces an impression of such remarkable distinction and beauty as she enters that they all rise, quite flustered. Guided by Higgins’s signals, she comes to  Mrs. Higgins with studied grace.


Liza
Speaking with pedantic correctness of pronunciation and great beauty of tone. How do you do,  Mrs. Higgins? She gasps slightly in making sure of the H in Higgins, but is quite successful.  Mr. Higgins told me I might come.


 Mrs. Higgins
Cordially. Quite right: I’m very glad indeed to see you.


Pickering
How do you do, Miss Doolittle?


Liza
Shaking hands with him. Colonel Pickering, is it not?


 Mrs. Eynsford Hill
I feel sure we have met before, Miss Doolittle. I remember your eyes.


Liza
How do you do? She sits down on the ottoman gracefully in the place just left vacant by Higgins.


 Mrs. Eynsford Hill
Introducing. My daughter Clara.


Liza
How do you do?


Clara
Impulsively. How do you do? She sits down on the ottoman beside Eliza, devouring her with her eyes.


Freddy
Coming to their side of the ottoman. I’ve certainly had the pleasure.


 Mrs. Eynsford Hill
Introducing. My son Freddy.


Liza
How do you do?



Freddy bows and sits down in the Elizabethan chair, infatuated.


Higgins
Suddenly. By George, yes: it all comes back to me! They stare at him. Covent Garden! Lamentably. What a damned thing!


 Mrs. Higgins
Henry, please! He is about to sit on the edge of the table. Don’t sit on my writing-table: you’ll break it.


Higgins
Sulkily. Sorry.



He goes to the divan, stumbling into the fender and over the fire-irons on his way; extricating himself with muttered imprecations; and finishing his disastrous