Pygmalion

had.

Liza
Rising, terrified. Sixty pounds! What are you talking about? I never offered you sixty pounds. Where would I get⁠—


Higgins
Hold your tongue.


Liza
Weeping. But I ain’t got sixty pounds. Oh⁠—


 Mrs. Pearce
Don’t cry, you silly girl. Sit down. Nobody is going to touch your money.


Higgins
Somebody is going to touch you, with a broomstick, if you don’t stop snivelling. Sit down.


Liza
Obeying slowly. Ah⁠—ah⁠—ah⁠—ow⁠—oo⁠—o! One would think you was my father.


Higgins
If I decide to teach you, I’ll be worse than two fathers to you. Here! He offers her his silk handkerchief.


Liza
What’s this for?


Higgins
To wipe your eyes. To wipe any part of your face that feels moist. Remember: that’s your handkerchief; and that’s your sleeve. Don’t mistake the one for the other if you wish to become a lady in a shop.



Liza, utterly bewildered, stares helplessly at him.


 Mrs. Pearce
It’s no use talking to her like that,  Mr. Higgins: she doesn’t understand you. Besides, you’re quite wrong: she doesn’t do it that way at all. She takes the handkerchief.


Liza
Snatching it. Here! You give me that handkerchief. He give it to me, not to you.


Pickering
Laughing. He did. I think it must be regarded as her property,  Mrs. Pearce.


 Mrs. Pearce
Resigning herself. Serve you right,  Mr. Higgins.


Pickering
Higgins: I’m interested. What about the ambassador’s garden party? I’ll say you’re the greatest teacher alive if you make that good. I’ll bet you all the expenses of the experiment you can’t do it. And I’ll pay for the lessons.


Liza
Oh, you are real good. Thank you, Captain.


Higgins
Tempted, looking at her. It’s almost irresistible. She’s so deliciously low⁠—so horribly dirty⁠—


Liza
Protesting extremely. Ah⁠—ah⁠—ah⁠—ah⁠—ow⁠—ow⁠—oooo!!! I ain’t dirty: I washed my face and hands afore I come, I did.


Pickering
You’re certainly not going to turn her head with flattery, Higgins.


 Mrs. Pearce
Uneasy. Oh, don’t say that, sir: there’s more ways than one of turning a girl’s head; and nobody can do it better than  Mr. Higgins, though he may not always mean it. I do hope, sir, you won’t encourage him to do anything foolish.


Higgins
Becoming excited as the idea grows on him. What is life but a series of inspired follies? The difficulty is to find them to do. Never lose a chance: it doesn’t come every day. I shall make a duchess of this draggletailed guttersnipe.


Liza
Strongly deprecating this view of her. Ah⁠—ah⁠—ah⁠—ow⁠—ow⁠—oo!


Higgins
Carried away. Yes: in six months⁠—in three if she has a good ear and a quick tongue⁠—I’ll take her anywhere and pass her off as anything. We’ll start today: now! this moment! Take her away and clean her,  Mrs. Pearce. Monkey Brand, if it won’t come off any other way. Is there a good fire in the kitchen?


 Mrs. Pearce
Protesting. Yes; but⁠—


Higgins
Storming on. Take all her clothes off and burn them. Ring up Whiteley or somebody for new ones. Wrap her up in brown paper till they come.


Liza
You’re no gentleman, you’re not, to talk of such things. I’m a good girl, I am; and I know what the like of you are, I do.


Higgins
We want none of your Lisson Grove prudery here, young woman. You’ve got to learn to behave like a duchess. Take her away,  Mrs. Pearce. If she gives you any trouble wallop her.


Liza
Springing up and running between Pickering and  Mrs. Pearce for protection. No! I’ll call the police, I will.


 Mrs. Pearce
But I’ve no place to put her.


Higgins
Put her in the dustbin.


Liza
Ah⁠—ah⁠—ah⁠—ow⁠—ow⁠—oo!


Pickering
Oh come, Higgins! be reasonable.


 Mrs. Pearce
Resolutely. You must be reasonable,  Mr. Higgins: really you must. You can’t walk over everybody like this.



Higgins, thus scolded, subsides. The hurricane is succeeded by a zephyr of amiable surprise.


Higgins
With professional exquisiteness of modulation. I walk over everybody! My dear  Mrs. Pearce, my dear Pickering, I never had the slightest intention of walking over anyone. All I propose is that we should be kind to this poor girl. We must help her to prepare and fit herself for her new station in life. If I did not express myself clearly it was because I did not wish to hurt her delicacy, or yours.



Liza, reassured, steals back to her chair.


 Mrs. Pearce
To Pickering. Well, did you ever hear anything like that, sir?


Pickering
Laughing heartily. Never,  Mrs. Pearce: never.


Higgins
Patiently. What’s the matter?


 Mrs. Pearce
Well, the matter is, sir, that you can’t take a girl up like that as if you were picking up a pebble on the beach.


Higgins
Why not?


 Mrs. Pearce
Why not! But you don’t know anything about her. What about her parents? She may be married.


Liza
Garn!


Higgins
There! As the girl very properly says, Garn! Married indeed! Don’t you know that a woman of that class looks a worn out drudge of fifty a year after she’s married.


Liza
Who’d marry me?


Higgins
Suddenly resorting to the most thrillingly beautiful low tones in his best elocutionary style. By George, Eliza, the streets will be strewn with the bodies of men shooting themselves for your sake before I’ve done with you.


 Mrs. Pearce
Nonsense, sir. You mustn’t talk like that to her.


Liza
Rising and squaring herself determinedly. I’m going away. He’s off his chump, he is. I don’t want no balmies teaching me.


Higgins
Wounded in his tenderest point by her insensibility to his elocution. Oh, indeed! I’m mad, am I? Very well,  Mrs. Pearce: you needn’t order the new clothes for her. Throw her out.


Liza
Whimpering. Nah⁠—ow. You got no right to touch me.


 Mrs. Pearce
You see now what comes of being saucy. Indicating the door. This way, please.


Liza
Almost in tears. I didn’t want no clothes. I wouldn’t have taken them. She throws away the handkerchief. I can buy my own clothes.


Higgins
Deftly retrieving the handkerchief and intercepting her on her reluctant way to the door. You’re an ungrateful wicked girl. This is my return for offering to take you out of the gutter and dress you beautifully and make a lady of you.