The Alchemist

basket.

Subtle

Cheater!



Face

Bawd!



Subtle

Cowherd!



Face

Conjurer!



Subtle

Cutpurse!



Face

Witch!



Dol Common

O me!

We are ruined, lost! Have you no more regard

To your reputations? Where’s your judgment? ’Slight,

Have yet some care of me, of your republic⁠—



Face

Away, this brach! I’ll bring thee, rogue, within

The statute of sorcery, tricesimo tertio

Of Harry the Eighth: ay, and perhaps thy neck

Within a noose, for laundering gold and barbing it.



Dol Common

Snatches Face’s sword.

You’ll bring your head within a cockscomb, will you?

And you, sir, with your menstrue⁠—

Dashes Subtle’s vial out of his hand.

Gather it up.⁠—

’Sdeath, you abominable pair of stinkards,

Leave off your barking, and grow one again,

Or, by the light that shines, I’ll cut your throats.

I’ll not be made a prey unto the marshal,

For ne’er a snarling dog-bolt of you both.

Have you together cozened all this while,

And all the world, and shall it now be said,

You’ve made most courteous shift to cozen yourselves?

To Face.

You will accuse him! You will “bring him in

Within the statute!” Who shall take your word?

A whoreson, upstart, apocryphal Captain,

Whom not a Puritan in Blackfriars will trust

So much as for a feather:

To Subtle.

and you, too,

Will give the cause, forsooth! You will insult,

And claim a primacy in the divisions!

You must be chief! As if you only had

The powder to project with, and the work

Were not begun out of equality?

The venture tripartite? All things in common?

Without priority? ’Sdeath! You perpetual curs,

Fall to your couples again, and cozen kindly,

And heartily, and lovingly, as you should,

And lose not the beginning of a term,

Or, by this hand, I shall grow factious too,

And take my part, and quit you.



Face

’Tis his fault;

He ever murmurs, and objects his pains,

And says, the weight of all lies upon him.



Subtle

Why, so it does.



Dol Common

How does it? Do not we

Sustain our parts?



Subtle

Yes, but they are not equal.



Dol Common

Why, if your part exceed today, I hope

Ours may, tomorrow match it.



Subtle

Ay, they may.



Dol Common

May, murmuring mastiff! Ay, and do. Death on me!

Help me to throttle him.




Seizes Subtle by the throat.


Subtle

Dorothy! Mistress Dorothy!

’Ods precious, I’ll do anything. What do you mean?



Dol Common

Because o’ your fermentation and cibation?



Subtle

Not I, by heaven⁠—



Dol Common

Your Sol and Luna

To Face.

—help me.



Subtle

Would I were hanged then? I’ll conform myself.



Dol Common

Will you, sir? Do so then, and quickly: swear.



Subtle

What should I swear?



Dol Common

To leave your faction, sir,

And labour kindly in the common work.



Subtle

Let me not breathe if I meant aught beside.

I only used those speeches as a spur

To him.



Dol Common

I hope we need no spurs, sir. Do we?



Face

’Slid, prove today, who shall shark best.



Subtle

Agreed.



Dol Common

Yes, and work close and friendly.



Subtle

’Slight, the knot

Shall grow the stronger for this breach, with me.




They shake hands.


Dol Common

Why, so, my good baboons! Shall we go make

A sort of sober, scurvy, precise neighbours,

That scarce have smiled twice since the king came in,

A feast of laughter at our follies? Rascals,

Would run themselves from breath, to see me ride,

Or you t’ have but a hole to thrust your heads in,

For which you should pay ear-rent? No, agree.

And may Don Provost ride a feasting long,

In his old velvet jerkin and stained scarfs,

My noble Sovereign, and worthy General,

Ere we contribute a new crewel garter

To his most worsted worship.



Subtle

Royal Dol!

Spoken like Claridiana, and thyself.



Face

For which at supper, thou shalt sit in triumph,

And not be styled Dol Common, but Dol Proper,

Dol Singular: the longest cut at night,

Shall draw thee for his Dol Particular.




Bell rings without.


Subtle

Who’s that? One rings. To the window, Dol:




Exit Dol.




—pray heaven,

The master do not trouble us this quarter.



Face

O, fear not him. While there dies one a week

O’ the plague, he’s safe, from thinking toward London.

Beside, he’s busy at his hop-yards now;

I had a letter from him. If he do,

He’ll send such word, for airing of the house,

As you shall have sufficient time to quit it:

Though we break up a fortnight, ’tis no matter.




Re-enter Dol.


Subtle

Who is it, Dol?



Dol Common

A fine young quodling.



Face

O,

My lawyer’s clerk, I lighted on last night,

In Holborn, at the Dagger. He would have

(I told you of him) a familiar,

To rifle with at horses, and win cups.



Dol Common

O, let him in.



Subtle

Stay. Who shall do’t?



Face

Get you

Your robes on: I will meet him as going out.



Dol Common

And what shall I do?



Face

Not be seen; away!




Exit Dol.




Seem you very reserved.



Subtle

Enough.




Exit.


Face

Aloud and retiring.

God be wi’ you, sir,

I pray you let him know that I was here:

His name is Dapper. I would gladly have stayed, but⁠—



Dapper

Within. Captain, I am here.



Face

Who’s that?⁠—He’s come, I think, Doctor.




Enter Dapper.



Good faith, sir, I was going away.


Dapper

In truth

I am very sorry, Captain.



Face

But I thought

Sure I should meet you.



Dapper

Ay, I am very glad.

I had a scurvy writ or two to make,

And I had lent my watch last night to one

That dines today at the sheriff’s, and so was robbed

Of my past-time.




Re-enter Subtle in his velvet cap and gown.




Is this the cunning-man?



Face

This is his worship.



Dapper

Is he a Doctor?



Face

Yes.



Dapper

And have you broke with him, Captain?



Face

Ay.



Dapper

And how?



Face

Faith, he does make the matter, sir, so dainty

I know not what to say.



Dapper

Not so, good Captain.



Face

Would I were fairly rid of it, believe me.



Dapper

Nay, now you grieve me, sir. Why should you wish so?

I dare assure you, I’ll not be ungrateful.



Face

I cannot think you will, sir. But the law

Is such a thing⁠—and then he says, Read’s matter

Falling so lately.



Dapper

Read! He was an ass,

And dealt, sir, with a fool.



Face

It was a clerk, sir.



Dapper

A clerk!



Face

Nay, hear me, sir. You know the law

Better, I think⁠—



Dapper

I should, sir, and the danger:

You