Much Ado About Nothing

him a thousand pound ere a’ be cured.

Messenger
I will hold friends with you, lady.


Beatrice
Do, good friend.


Leonato
You will never run mad, niece.


Beatrice
No, not till a hot January.


Messenger
Don Pedro is approached.



Enter Don Pedro, Don John, Claudio, Benedick, and Balthasar.


Don Pedro
Good Signior Leonato, you are come to meet your trouble: the fashion of the world is to avoid cost, and you encounter it.


Leonato
Never came trouble to my house in the likeness of your grace: for trouble being gone, comfort should remain; but when you depart from me, sorrow abides and happiness takes his leave.


Don Pedro
You embrace your charge too willingly. I think this is your daughter.


Leonato
Her mother hath many times told me so.


Benedick
Were you in doubt, sir, that you asked her?


Leonato
Signior Benedick, no; for then were you a child.


Don Pedro
You have it full, Benedick: we may guess by this what you are, being a man. Truly, the lady fathers herself. Be happy, lady; for you are like an honourable father.


Benedick
If Signior Leonato be her father, she would not have his head on her shoulders for all Messina, as like him as she is.


Beatrice
I wonder that you will still be talking, Signior Benedick: nobody marks you.


Benedick
What, my dear Lady Disdain! are you yet living?


Beatrice
Is it possible disdain should die while she hath such meet food to feed it as Signior Benedick? Courtesy itself must convert to disdain, if you come in her presence.


Benedick
Then is courtesy a turncoat. But it is certain I am loved of all ladies, only you excepted: and I would I could find in my heart that I had not a hard heart; for, truly, I love none.


Beatrice
A dear happiness to women: they would else have been troubled with a pernicious suitor. I thank God and my cold blood, I am of your humour for that: I had rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me.


Benedick
God keep your ladyship still in that mind! so some gentleman or other shall ’scape a predestinate scratched face.


Beatrice
Scratching could not make it worse, an ’twere such a face as yours were.


Benedick
Well, you are a rare parrot-teacher.


Beatrice
A bird of my tongue is better than a beast of yours.


Benedick
I would my horse had the speed of your tongue, and so good a continuer. But keep your way, i’ God’s name; I have done.


Beatrice
You always end with a jade’s trick: I know you of old.


Don Pedro
That is the sum of all, Leonato. Signior Claudio and Signior Benedick, my dear friend Leonato hath invited you all. I tell him we shall stay here at the least a month; and he heartly prays some occasion may detain us longer. I dare swear he is no hypocrite, but prays from his heart.


Leonato
If you swear, my lord, you shall not be forsworn. To Don John. Let me bid you welcome, my lord: being reconciled to the prince your brother, I owe you all duty.


Don John
I thank you: I am not of many words, but I thank you.


Leonato
Please it your grace lead on?


Don Pedro
Your hand, Leonato; we will go together. Exeunt all except Benedick and Claudio.


Claudio
Benedick, didst thou note the daughter of Signior Leonato?


Benedick
I noted her not; but I looked on her.


Claudio
Is she not a modest young lady?


Benedick
Do you question me, as an honest man should do, for my simple true judgment; or would you have me speak after my custom, as being a professed tyrant to their sex?


Claudio
No; I pray thee speak in sober judgment.


Benedick
Why, i’ faith, methinks she’s too low for a high praise, too brown for a fair praise and too little for a great praise: only this commendation I can afford her, that were she other than she is, she were unhandsome; and being no other but as she is, I do not like her.


Claudio
Thou thinkest I am in sport: I pray thee tell me truly how thou likest her.


Benedick
Would you buy her, that you inquire after her?


Claudio
Can the world buy such a jewel?


Benedick
Yea, and a case to put it into. But speak you this with a sad brow? or do you play the flouting Jack, to tell us Cupid is a good hare-finder and Vulcan a rare carpenter? Come, in what key shall a man take you, to go in the song?


Claudio
In mine eye she is the sweetest lady that ever I looked on.


Benedick
I can see yet without spectacles and I see no such matter: there’s her cousin, an she were not possessed with a fury, exceeds her as much in beauty as the first of May doth the last of December. But I hope you have no intent to turn husband, have you?


Claudio
I would scarce trust myself, though I had sworn the contrary, if Hero would be my wife.


Benedick
Is’t come to this? In faith, hath not the world one man but he will wear his cap with suspicion? Shall I never see a bachelor of threescore again? Go to, i’ faith; and thou wilt needs thrust thy neck into a yoke, wear the print of it and sigh away Sundays. Look; Don Pedro is returned to seek you.



Re-enter Don Pedro.


Don Pedro
What secret hath held you here, that you followed not to Leonato’s?


Benedick
I would your grace would constrain me to tell.


Don Pedro
I charge thee on thy allegiance.


Benedick
You hear, Count Claudio: I can be secret as a dumb man; I would have you think so; but, on my allegiance, mark you this, on my allegiance. He is in love. With who? now that is your grace’s part. Mark how short his answer is;⁠—With Hero, Leonato’s short daughter.


Claudio
If this were so, so were it uttered.


Benedick
Like the old tale, my lord: “it is not so, nor ’twas not so, but, indeed, God