Short Fiction

hour⁠—and were you not to be on the ramparts by sunrise? Aedepol! do you think that we, the conquerors of the world, have nothing better to do than stand waiting by the walls of every kennel, to traffic with the dogs of the earth? Lower away! I say⁠—and see that your trumpery be bright in color and just in weight!”
“El Elohim!” ejaculated the Pharisee, as the discordant tones of the centurion rattled up the crags of the precipice, and fainted away against the temple⁠—“El Elohim!⁠—who is the god Phoebus?⁠—whom doth the blasphemer invoke? Thou, Buzi-Ben-Levi! who art read in the laws of the Gentiles, and hast sojourned among them who dabble with the Teraphim!⁠—is it Nergal of whom the idolater speaketh?⁠—or Ashimah?⁠—or Nibhaz⁠—or Tartak?⁠—or Adramalech?⁠—or Anamalech?⁠—or Succoth-Benith?⁠—or Dagon?⁠—or Belial?⁠—or Baal-Perith?⁠—or Baal-Peor?⁠—or Baal-Zebub?”
“Verily it is neither⁠—but beware how thou lettest the rope slip too rapidly through thy fingers; for should the wickerwork chance to hang on the projection of yonder crag, there will be a woeful outpouring of the holy things of the sanctuary.”
By the assistance of some rudely constructed machinery, the heavily laden basket was now carefully lowered down among the multitude; and, from the giddy pinnacle, the Romans were seen gathering confusedly round it; but owing to the vast height and the prevalence of a fog, no distinct view of their operations could be obtained.
Half an hour had already elapsed.
“We shall be too late!” sighed the Pharisee, as at the expiration of this period he looked over into the abyss⁠—“we shall be too late! we shall be turned out of office by the Katholim.”
“No more,” responded Abel-Phittim⁠—“no more shall we feast upon the fat of the land⁠—no longer shall our beards be odorous with frankincense⁠—our loins girded up with fine linen from the Temple.”
“Raca!” swore Ben-Levi, “Raca! do they mean to defraud us of the purchase money? or, Holy Moses! are they weighing the shekels of the tabernacle?”
“They have given the signal at last!” cried the Pharisee⁠—“they have given the signal at last!⁠—pull away, Abel-Phittim!⁠—and thou, Buzi-Ben-Levi, pull away!⁠—for verily the Philistines have either still hold upon the basket, or the Lord hath softened their hearts to place therein a beast of good weight!” And the Gizbarim pulled away, while their burden swung heavily upward through the still increasing mist.

“Booshoh he!”⁠—as, at the conclusion of an hour, some object at the extremity of the rope became indistinctly visible⁠—“Booshoh he!” was the exclamation which burst from the lips of Ben-Levi.
“Booshoh he!⁠—for shame!⁠—it is a ram from the thickets of Engedi, and as rugged as the valley of Jehosaphat!”
“It is a firstling of the flock,” said Abel-Phittim, “I know him by the bleating of his lips, and the innocent folding of his limbs. His eyes are more beautiful than the jewels of the Pectoral, and his flesh is like the honey of Hebron.”
“It is a fatted calf from the pastures of Bashan,” said the Pharisee, “the heathen have dealt wonderfully with us⁠—let us raise up our voices in a psalm⁠—let us give thanks on the shawm and on the psaltery⁠—on the harp and on the huggab⁠—on the cythern and on the sackbut!”
It was not until the basket had arrived within a few feet of the Gizbarim that a low grunt betrayed to their perception a hog of no common size.
“Now El Emanu!” slowly and with upturned eyes ejaculated the trio, as, letting go their hold, the emancipated porker tumbled headlong among the Philistines, “El Emanu!⁠—God be with us⁠—it is the unutterable flesh!”
 

Loss of Breath

O breathe not,  etc.
—⁠Moore’s Melodies

The most notorious ill-fortune must in the end yield to the untiring courage of philosophy⁠—as the most stubborn city to the ceaseless vigilance of an enemy. Shalmanezer, as we have it in holy writings, lay three years before Samaria; yet it fell. Sardanapalus⁠—see Diodorus⁠—maintained himself seven in Nineveh; but to no purpose. Troy expired at the close of the second lustrum; and Azoth, as Aristaeus declares upon his honour as a gentleman, opened at last her gates to Psammitticus, after having barred them for the fifth part of a century.

“Thou wretch!⁠—thou vixen!⁠—thou shrew!” said I to my wife on the morning after our wedding; “thou witch!⁠—thou hag!⁠—thou whippersnapper⁠—thou sink of iniquity!⁠—thou fiery-faced quintessence of all that is abominable!⁠—thou⁠—thou⁠—” here standing upon tiptoe, seizing her by the throat, and placing my mouth close to her ear, I was preparing to launch forth a new and more decided epithet of opprobrium, which should not fail, if ejaculated, to convince her of her insignificance, when to my extreme horror and astonishment I discovered that I had lost my breath.
The phrases “I am out of breath,” “I have lost my breath,”  etc., are often enough repeated in common conversation; but it had never occurred to me that the terrible accident of which I speak could bona fide and actually happen! Imagine⁠—that is if you have a fanciful turn⁠—imagine, I say, my wonder⁠—my consternation⁠—my despair!
There is a good genius, however, which has never entirely deserted me. In my most ungovernable moods I still retain a sense of propriety, et le chemin des passions me conduit⁠—as Lord Edouard in the Julie says it did him⁠—à la philosophie veritable.
Although I could not at first precisely ascertain to what degree the occurrence had affected me, I determined at all events to conceal the matter from my wife, until further experience should discover to me the extent of this my unheard of calamity. Altering my countenance, therefore, in a moment, from its bepuffed and distorted appearance, to an expression of arch and coquettish benignity, I gave my lady a pat on the one cheek, and a kiss on the other, and without saying one syllable (Furies! I could not), left her astonished at my drollery, as I pirouetted out of the room in a pas de Zephyr.
Behold me then safely ensconced in my private boudoir, a fearful instance of the ill consequences attending upon irascibility⁠—alive, with the qualifications