Battle It Out

stared at it.
“What’s going on?”
“What?”
“You’re distracted.” Diesel eyed him in the way only an older brother could.
He didn’t know what the hell to do. He closed his eyes for a brief second, drew in a deep breath, and met his brother’s worried gaze.
“I don’t know,” he evaded, and tossed the fry down before rubbing at his mouth. “I don’t know how to explain it.”
“Start wherever. I can keep up,” Diesel returned.
His heart pounded in his chest with a sickening thud and he rubbed his sweating palms on his jeans. The room felt warmer than a moment ago. Perhaps the panic showed in his eyes, because Diesel leaned forward with a worry-filled gaze.
“Tell me.”
“You remember… Ryan Fairbanks?” he began haltingly.
Diesel slowly sat back and steepled his fingers together. “Of course, I do. He was your best friend growing up.”
“He was.” He swallowed hard.
Diesel sighed. “Something like that leaves a hole that takes a long time to fill.”
“I know. It’s like he was there one minute and gone the next.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“I feel like it was. I feel like I should have known.” His eyes burned.
“How could his suicide be your fault? He didn’t tell you he was going to kill himself, did he?”
“No.” He opened his mouth and closed it, sure he resembled a gapping fish.
“Just say whatever you need to say,” Diesel growled with a worried look.
“We…kissed.”
The shock on his brother’s face made his heart lurch and sent the blood pounding in his ears. He waited, but Diesel said nothing. His brother’s dark eyes locked on him. After a long moment, Diesel finally spoke.
“How’d that happen?” One of his brother’s eyebrows lifted.
How the hell did he think that happened?
“You know when someone’s lips touch another person’s lips and then-”
“Okay, smart ass,” Diesel grumbled. “I mean, what made you want to kiss Ryan?”
“I wanted to see what it was like,” he admitted. “You’d come out already and I guess I wanted to see what the fuss was about.” That wasn’t the whole truth, but he went with that first.
“Fuss?” Diesel expression grew doubtful. “News flash, Zane. Guys don’t kiss other guys just to see what the fuss is about.”
He shifted in his chair, rubbed his fingers at his mouth, and nodded.
“You’re right.”
“Then tell me the truth.”
“I watched you kissing your boyfriends.”
“And you wanted that?”
Damn it. Diesel was going to make him say it.
“Yeah. It…turned me on. I wanted to kiss a guy. I knew Ryan was gay. So, I asked him if I could kiss him.”
“And?”
“Relentless, aren’t you,” he muttered. “I liked it. I liked it a lot.”
“When was this?” Diesel suddenly frowned.
“The day before he killed himself.” His voice grew tight.
“Jesus, Zane. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You’d already enlisted into the Army,” he said, holding his brother’s intense green gaze.
“Wait.” Diesel frowned. “You don’t seriously think he killed himself because you kissed him.”
“No, of course not.” He made a face, but his voice wavered and Diesel narrowed his eyes.
“Bro, you’re not thinking right.” Diesel reached across the table and squeezed his hand.
“Can I take your plates?” The waiter appeared.
“Leave them, but bring us two glasses of your best bourbon on ice. There’s a fat tip if you make it quick,” Diesel told the waiter.
“Be right back!” With a bright smile, the brown-haired man hustled away.
Diesel stared at him, pulling his fingers down over the scruff on his face. They waited like that in silence until the waiter returned with their drinks and left them alone.
Lifting his glass, Diesel gestured to him. “Drink some of that.”
He took a slow swallow, feeling the comforting burn. The whiskey helped hold the burning in his eyes at bay. Fuck, it was such a relief to finally tell someone.
“You’re forgetting that Ryan was gay and out,” Diesel said. “He had boyfriends before you ever kissed him. He killed himself because he felt alone.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because I called Megan after it happened. She said that he had a huge fight with their dad the night before. Ryan’s dad told him to move out.”
“All these years, I never knew that.”
Honestly, he’d never asked, so that was on him. It had just been too fucking painful.
“Wait…You called Megan, Ryan’s older sister?”
“Yeah, just because I had enlisted didn’t mean I didn’t still have friends at home.”
He nodded, because that made sense. Diesel and Megan had graduated the same year.
“Megan never told me about the fight,” he rasped.
“Maybe that’s because she didn’t think you’d understand.”
“Why would she think that?” he asked, indignant.
“Oh, I don’t know,” Diesel said sarcastically. “Because you started claiming you were straight around that time?”
He had. He was guilty. He’d told anyone he was close to that he was straight. And if any of his gay friends thought they could start something with him, he’d claim he was straight to nip all that in the bud right away.
Jesus, how fucking foolish did he look? The man who doth protest too much. A flush started up his chest, the heat rising to his neck.
“Zane.” Diesel interrupted his meltdown.
“What?” he croaked.
“I’m sorry you denied that part of yourself. I wish you would have talked to me.” Diesel’s mouth pulled down.
“I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about. I just don’t understand why you didn’t tell me.”
The hurt in his brother’s eyes killed him and he reached across and gripped Diesel’s hand.
“I think the reason I didn’t tell you or anyone is because it was all stupidly mixed up in my head.”
“That’s easy to do at seventeen,” Diesel agreed.
“I know I’m not to blame for Ryan’s suicide. I hadn’t heard about the fight with his father, but I heard what the town said about him, how being gay was the reason he died. I heard what they said about you too, behind your back.” He rubbed at his chin. He’d received and delivered several black eyes when people talked shit about his brother.
“After years went by, it just became my way of life to stay quiet,” he admitted.
He closed his eyes. He’d completed missions that would make