The Bridesmaid

have reached a point where I can be truly proud of myself and not look back with regrets. Without all these things in place, I can’t be a good enough mother to my own children. Caitlin didn’t so much achieve success as inherit it. The things I strive to do, to feel, to achieve, don’t come as easy.
I have found myself drawn to Immy though, and it surprised me how naturally that came. It must be because she was just placed in my life and I didn’t have time to think about the prospect of ‘her’. When I met Oscar four years ago, he informed me bluntly that he had a two-year-old daughter and he was looking for someone who would welcome her as their own. A bold statement for a first date, but I only had to meet her once to know that she was a very special little girl, and I didn’t need to think about how I would learn to love her. I already did.
I leave Oscar to bathe Immy, tuck her in, read Stick Man to her and then give her the final cuddle, which usually results in him staying in with her until they both fall asleep.
But this evening he’s back by my side in the kitchen within ten minutes as I prepare a mozzarella salad and garlic bread for our supper. He would have scoffed a cheeseburger at teatime with Immy but I have found, living with Oscar, that no matter what he has eaten that day, you could put food in front of him at any time of the day or night and he will welcome it like it was his last meal on Earth.
‘I tried calling you today at your office.’ Oscar picks up a piece of tomato and pops it in his mouth. I glance sideways at him. He is wearing his best confused expression, the one he normally wears when he’s trying to do the cost calculation of a domestic renovation. He’s still in his army cadet trousers and scruffy white T-shirt. He hasn’t taken off his workman boots either.
‘Ha, it’s hardly an office, but thanks for making me feel like a proper grown-up.’ I point at his boots with my knife and he automatically bends down and takes them off.
I think about the corner of the ground-floor building I rent that is merely a desk with a partition. But I do get the best view across the park though.
‘Why did you call me at my office?’ I stop slicing the tomatoes to look at him.
‘Because your phone was off. And your phone is never off.’
I give my head a slight shake and return to my methodical slicing. ‘Phones do sometimes not work, run out of battery or just fail to connect.’
‘Oh, okay. I just thought it was weird.’
I place my knife down on the counter. ‘Weird? How?’
‘Because I called you at exactly the same time last week and your phone was off then too. So I decided to call your extension at the office today and you didn’t answer. Same time. Last week.’
I feel my insides drop, and I quickly compose myself.
I turn to Oscar. I look at his scruffy brown mop of hair, his tanned biceps and face from being outdoors. He wears the earnest expression that he dons for much of the day until I can fold him into my arms and it melts away with all his problems.
‘I was working,’ I say. ‘With a client,’ I add quickly.
‘Which client?’ Oscar asks, picking up another piece of tomato, trying to sound unconcerned.
I think quickly. ‘Bree.’
‘The Irish lady?’
‘Yep.’
‘Still? I thought that was wrapped up.’
I turn my mouth down and shake my head. ‘Nope. Still have another month to go with her. Then she might take me on full-time, once she’s looked at her figures.’ It was true, I was still wrapping that particular contract up.
Oscar nods. I wait to see if we are done or if he will want more information.
‘I saw Ronnie today,’ he says as he slides onto the sofa and picks up the TV remote.
I feel a brightening inside at the mere mention of Ronnie, one of Oscar’s friends who has since firmly become one of mine too. ‘Did you say hi from me?’
‘Always.’ Oscar’s eyes are on the snooker. I am saved from further interrogation. Except…
‘When Kelly cheated on me…’ Oscar’s voice floats back over to the kitchen. Yes, that was why I am supposed to hate Kelly, because of the cheating part. I know Oscar desperately wants me to despise his ex-wife, but I think he is also extremely grateful that I have not allowed my emotions to become entangled in his past. I think the reason I’m not too bothered is that I know Kelly never really loved Oscar, not the way I do. I have heard the story a million times, and I know Oscar had been hurt, but we have been together for four years. It’s a long time to date someone and to know them intimately. I have never given him any reason to doubt me. But obviously I slipped up.
I just have to be careful, just for a little while longer.
‘Let me stop you there, Oscar. I know Kelly cheated on you, but that doesn’t mean to say that it will happen again. I turned my phone off because I was with a client and I like to give them my full attention. Even a vibration or light on my phone throws me. I thought you knew that about me and my work?’
Oscar hangs his head and blows out a breath, and turns the TV off. ‘I do, Sasha. It’s just this stupid thing. After Kelly, I couldn’t stop looking for signs, for clues in everything. It was afterwards, when I found out about all the cheating, that I looked at the evidence and saw then what I should have seen, when she was not somewhere she said she was going to be, and it’s kind of stuck.