Angels Unaware

I felt a fury rising within me. I had no valid reason to be so angry at him, but the invalid one I had was this: We had gone into the woods and killed a deer and were returning with it. That much we could have agreed on if called to account for our time that day. But other than these skeletal facts, we might as well have spent the day across the world from each other, so different it seemed had been our experience. The woods had changed me. I felt as if some kind of communion had taken place. For me. Not for him. The woods had not changed him. And because I had never had time to brood on anything, so immediate and urgent always were the demands of basic human comfort, I did not question myself further. I knew only that I could not risk my eyes meeting his ever again.
When we got home, it was already dark. Luca displayed his kill proudly and the girls and Jewel oohed and aahed over the buck. Jewel declared she’d nail the antlers over the mantel, and Luca proclaimed he’d cook the heart and liver for dinner. Everybody went into the kitchen to watch, but I resisted, saying I had no appetite and was going to sit on the porch for a spell. Jewel protested that it was too cold, but I snapped that it was nearly the shortest day of the year and the stars were more brilliant than ever and worth watching from my porch rocker. This was the last thing I should have said, because they all joined me.
“Let’s all go out and watch the stars,” Luca said. “I’ll put the meat on to simmer and come.” Jewel and the girls piled on coats and hats and came out, with Luca a few minutes after. He sat on the porch steps as far away from me as possible, so maybe he had sensed something of my discomfort. It never occurred to me that he was feeling a discomfort of his own. Jewel sat near the railing and Jolene next to her. Old Sam, faithful even in the bitter cold, took up his usual spot at my feet and every so often, I’d bend down to scratch his ears. He was the only member of my household with whom I felt truly at peace. Caroline sat herself next to Luca, looking pert and pretty in a blue hat she’d knitted for herself. The color matched her eyes and she knew it.
For a while, none of us talked but for Caroline and Luca, who murmured between themselves. I wasn’t paying much attention to their talk until I heard him say, “…then you’ll go to the Christmas dance with me?”
“I’d like that,” Caroline replied, so coyly I could have slapped her face till feeling came back in my fingers. “But you’ll have to ask Jewel.”
Luca glanced at Jewel, but before she could open her mouth, I said, “Caroline is too young to be going out with boys, especially foreign boys. Besides, I’ve seen Luca panting after Cathleen Haddock with his tongue hanging around his ankles.”
“Darcy!” Jewel rushed to his defense. “Luca’s love life is his own business.”
I folded my arms across my chest and started rocking furiously. “That’s true. It’s his pecker, and I suppose it’s his business where he puts it.” Luca blushed down to his hair line.
“Darcy, shush. You’re embarrassing him.”
“Oh, shush yourself. It’s true and you know it. He’ll have his fun with Caroline and then he’ll go back to Italy and marry some Eye-talian virgin with purple feet and a moustache.”
“That’s not fair,” Jewel said. “I trust Luca like family, and I’d be proud to have him take your sister to the dance.” Caroline was beaming, but Luca didn’t seem to be feeling triumphant.
“How can you know who to trust?” I said back. “Every derelict comes down the road is family to you.”
“I can just tell,” Jewel insisted stubbornly, and the porch was silent for a while.
Jolene was the one to break the quiet. She sighed loud and long. “I wish I was old enough to start college. I can do all the high school work. I’m bored to tears with it.” (Jolene went through life generally bored and would eventually become bored with boredom. But then it wasn’t easy being the smartest person in the world.)
“You just be patient, little girl,” Jewel told her. “You and Caroline will both go to college. Darcy will fix it.” Her brow furrowed. “Somehow, I don’t know how, but she’ll fix it so you can go.” I harrumphed. She’ll fix it, indeed—just as it was with the fixing of the stove, or the mending of the fence, or the hiding of the bodies. Darcy would fix it.
Luca leaned back against the porch post. He never added much to conversations, at least not while I was around. His eyes came to rest on me. “And you, Darcy. What will you do?”
Startled to have him direct words at me, I looked back at him, or more accurately, a fraction to the left of him. But I didn’t have a chance to reply before Caroline piped up: “They’ll have to take old Darcy out of here in a box. She’ll never leave any other way.” Caroline hardly ever said anything remotely clever and she giggled, pleased with herself to no end.
I gave her the evil eye. “You’re mighty lucky to be sitting out of my reach, little sister. That’s all you know about it anyhow. Won’t you be taken aback when you get my postcards from faraway places.”
“Sure thing, Darcy,” Jolene joined in. “As far away as Scranton, I’ll bet.”
Everyone laughed, except for Luca. I tried to read his face, but he leaned back into the darkness of the porch where the winter moon’s light didn’t penetrate.
“You can all go to hell!” I exclaimed angrily, but that only amused the girls all the more, so I quit the porch