Adrift

focused on me. My cheeks burned, like physically burned, as if the room hit a hundred and five degrees. My giggles wouldn’t quit. You’d think I’d downed three cocktails.
I fidgeted with the napkin on my lap and sent a silent plea for Luna to join our conversation. All it would take was one other single lady in the bar and Gabe would be all “Poppy who?” I looked to the hallway, certain some college girls would walk through it. They’d be too young for him, probably, but it would defray attention from me.
Gabe didn’t notice my wistful hallway glances. He scrolled through the OnlyFans site on his phone, searching for me, testing different exotic-sounding porn names. Real accounts actually showed. Names like Oral Annie and Betsie Onnerback were just laugh out loud funny. Then he hit a little too close to home with Veronica Star.
Exasperated, I snatched his phone and pulled up my profile and dropped it on the bar with a clatter. It’s just a website.
“If you’d like, you can subscribe.” My heart jittered around. You’d think I was asking him out on a date the way my body reacted. It felt like my heart was gonna pop right out. Or maybe break a rib.
All those dimples exposed his amusement. He flipped through photos, pausing a few times as he scrolled when he came to a lingerie shot. I don’t do anything bad. My throat tightened, and that burning face singed. I dabbed my cheeks with my ice-cold fingers. I stared at his shoes and cursed my big mouth.
Putting up photos on the internet for strangers was one thing. The internet served as a privacy cloak. Sure, I tended to watch nonstop until the likes rolled in. I’d been known to remove a low performing post. It was my business. Of course I tracked the likes. But sitting next to someone, holding my breath, waiting to see if he’d click the like button—absolute inside churning agony.
When I finally got up the nerve to stop staring at the floor, he remained glued to the phone, scrolling through posts. Entranced, in a good way. Like, he looked at those photos the way I imagined fifteen-year-old boys flipped through Maxim.
Of course, the photos he liked leveraged good angles and well-researched lighting. All my photos were carefully edited. Every now and then I fantasized about sending off some of those photos to old high school classmates. Let them choke on those fat jokes. But I left that small town behind me eight years ago. No point dredging up the past.
Tate got up from his stool and crowded between us. Gabe held the phone up for Tate to better see. If a hole had opened up in the floor, I would have belly flopped into it. I searched for Luna, wondering if she’d be annoyed the guy she liked had an eyeful of, well, me.
“What’re you doing?” Tate asked. He sounded mighty pissed.
“Discussing business with Poppy. That’s all.” Gabe continued scrolling through the feed. The heat on my face threatened third-degree burns.
Tate dropped cash on the bar and headed for the exit.
Gabe called out, “Man, our food isn’t even here yet.”
Tate halted. “I’ll leave you the cart.”
The pissed off tone caught Will’s attention. He watched us from the far end of the bar, probably waiting to see if he’d have to play bouncer and break up a fight. I could barely swallow.
“We’ll be done in fifteen, or twenty,” Gabe countered, totally calm, like there was nothing unusual going on. Like photos of me weren’t on the phone in his hand. And he didn’t just show them to his friend.
“I need to get out of here,” Tate grunted. “Walk will do me good.” He disappeared down the hallway.
The lightning had abated, but the rain still poured.
“What did he see that got him upset?” Luna asked. “Poppy?”
Oh, lordy. “He saw my OnlyFans account. But why would he get angry? Is he religious?” I looked to Gabe for an answer. I mean, yes, Gabe freely showing his friend me in lingerie was mortifying as all hell, but anger wasn’t what I’d expect. Leering, mockery, laughter…sure, that fit. Not anger.
Gabe scratched his head, flummoxed. “Nah. I mean, he wasn’t. But who knows now? He’s a different guy, like night and day. The old Tate, he’d know everyone’s name, be laughing with everyone. He was everyone’s friend. Laidback. Loose. Now, he’s, like, I guess… he’s aged.”
Luna leaned over to see. The screensaver had gone into effect, and I held my breath. Like watching a terrible reality TV show, I couldn’t blink. I held my breath, frozen, waiting to see if Gabe would enter his code and let her peruse the blasted site.
Luna didn’t give him the chance, though. She held out her credit card to me. “Here, use this to pay for me. I’ll get it back from you later. I’m going to go give him a lift home.”
Gabe blocked her card. “Nah. Don’t worry about it. I got it. Tell him I’ll be home later.”
She rushed down the hall in the direction Tate had gone. I took a large gulp of my Blue Moon. Mortification settled over me like frost on a chilly morning, coating every single blade of grass. It’s not that what I did embarrassed me—not exactly.
When the pandemic hit, I would’ve had to go crawling back to one of my parents if I hadn’t discovered OnlyFans. And for a girl who used to be mocked, it was pretty fucking fantastic to learn that there were men who liked curvy girls. At first, I got a bit of a high from checking my follower count and seeing those likes. The tips blew my mind.
Yes, they liked me with photo editing, good lighting, and at the right angle. But still…I would’ve never thought. And I told myself over and over, I’m not doing anything wrong. I needed the income. The liquor bottles lined against the mirror along the back of the bar goaded me. One day,