Songs For Your Mother

I failed Lauren, and I failed Will and TSP, and I failed myself. It might have been six years ago; right now, however, it feels like yesterday.
‘I was going to come back,’ I say.
‘But you didn’t, did you?’ Josie says accusingly.
I shake my head, ‘No I didn’t.’
At the end of the day that is the only truth. I used Will as a pretext. I had the chance to go back, and I could’ve gone. I had the plane tickets that TSP bought for me and I went to the airport and I made my way to the gate. Every step of the way, I had a pitiful feeling lodged in my stomach. I was scared. I’d already lost Will, and no matter what anyone says, I’m responsible. It’s the survivor guilt that I carry and which TSP and I compete for. I was overwhelmed by feelings of panic at thought of getting on the plane. I felt like such a loser. The only thing that consoled me was that Lauren was beautiful. I knew she would find somebody better than me. More importantly, someone who was reliable, and who, when they said they were coming back, would remain true to their word.
‘That’s right, you never came back,’ Josie says. ‘I don’t want to hear your lame excuses, I don’t care. It’s way too late for that.’
When I didn’t get on that plane, I justified it to myself by arguing that ‘I wasn’t in the right place’ and that ‘I needed more time’. It was all bullshit, of course. Deep down I was scared and my courage failed me.
‘I wanted to,’ I say, which sounds pathetic; maybe that’s what it was.
‘You let her down, and now you know. Even after weeks, Lauren still believed in you, she still thought you might turn up, and that’s why we’re in this stupid mess now,’ Josie says, shaking her head.
Josie stands up from the couch.
‘I need to see your place,’ she says with a shrug.
I point down the three steps, ‘Kitchen, and bathroom, and, back here, spare bedroom.’
Josie walks down the steps, and looks into the bathroom, and then into the kitchen where she stands and surveys. I hear the fridge open, and then cupboard doors. Back up the steps, Josie walks into the spare bedroom. It used to be Will’s room, and I used to point this out to people. I don’t do that anymore. There is a desk and a small single bed in there now, for the occasional guest. My guitar also sits in there on its stand.
‘Small, but looks clean, which is surprising,’ Josie says. ‘Are you sure you’re not gay?’
I let this slide, ‘I like it,’ I say, although I am pretty sure this is a compliment.
‘Guys on their own, in my experience, usually live in dumps. Where’s your roommate?’ Josie asks.
This is another chance for me to explain where my flatmate is, but I decide not to do that now. Josie has already said she doesn’t want to hear my lame excuses.
‘I live on my own,’ I say, and I leave it that.
‘Lucky you,’ Josie says. ‘I’d suggest you buy some food. Dude, you have nothing in your cupboards. What do you eat?’
Before I get a chance to answer this question, Josie holds her hand up.
‘Save it, I don’t want to know,’ she says, and walks back to the couch. She kneels down in front of Luke and holds his hand. Then she says something so truly horrifying that my jaw drops.
‘Honey, I’ve got to go now. You’re going to be okay. I love you, and Mommy loves you, and we’ll see you soon, okay?’
Luke nods mutely at these words and clutches his Transformer. Josie gives him a long hug, and kisses his forehead. The funny thing is that Luke looks happy sitting there as he receives this news. He isn’t fazed at all, which I am stunned by, because I am floored.
Josie gets up, gives Luke a small wave. She looks appalled with me and, if I am reading the situation correctly, she is about to leave, which is a terrible idea.
‘What are you doing?’ I ask.
‘Are you an actual real-life living idiot? The more I listen to you that’s the only explanation. I’m going and, for the record, I think this is a monumentally bad idea, but it’s what she wanted. It’s all in there, and don’t try to find her. She doesn’t want that. Luke doesn’t know where she is either. He knows she’s gone away.’
‘Are you kidding? This makes no sense,’ I say, trying to plead with Josie to stay. ‘You can’t leave like this.’
Josie shakes her head at me, ‘Trust me, I don’t want to. I don’t have a say, and I promised I would do this and now I have. Make sure you don’t fuck this up as well.’
With that, Josie heads down the stairs and out of the flat. Luke and I are alone, and he looks up, appraising me. I want to say something reassuring, but then everything happens at once.
‘Johnny!’ Rachel shouts from the bedroom.
I want to tell her not to come out when I hear the front door to the house close. It takes me a second to process this. Josie is leaving, and I should go after her. Holy crap, I should be running right now. I fly into action, and I hurl myself down the stairs, taking several at a time as I chase after Josie. I pull open the front door and tear down the pathway in time to see a head in the back of the taxi as it speeds off down the street. I stand there and watch it go, and then I start running barefooted along the pavement.
‘Josie, stop! Josie,’ I yell, but it is too late.
Josie is gone, and I stop running. I stand there and watch as the taxi reaches the end of the road, and merges with the traffic. Josie has left me with Luke and a pile of