JOURNEY - on Mastering Ukemi

broke up with me. I don’t know what to quit doing to find more time for her.”
“So you feel like you’re to blame?”
“Yeah. She keeps saying that she never sees me and that we can’t have a relationship that is all one-sided. She needs to feel needed.”
“Do you need her?” I asked.
“Of course,” he said.
“For what?”
“I love her.”
“Why?”
“Why does anyone love anyone?” Christian asked and then shrugged. I smiled and shook my head. Men. We are such jerks, I swear…
“Christian, I’m not asking why anyone would love anyone else, I’m asking why you love her.” I looked him over for a moment. “I mean she’s good looking and sweet, and she probably does nice things for you… but what about her is special for you?”
“Sensei, I’m just really tired. I don’t get a lot of rest and this is all too much for me right now.”
“Okay. But I want you to think about something as you drive home. Just think while you’re driving, for me. Here’s the thing, if you make this your fault, you can fix it. See what I mean? If, in your mind you take the blame for the break up, you get to spend lots of time holding on to the memory, and the love, and the rest of it, and maybe, if you figure out what went wrong, you can make it all better.”
“I know. I can change and then get her…”
“But Christian, most times, it’s nobody’s fault. That kind of thinking, that it’s your fault, is just a way of hanging on. You just drag things out that way and lose all self-respect and the respect of the people around you. Maybe she met someone she likes better than you. Did you think of that? Maybe she never really loved you and has only now figured it out. Maybe she realized that you two just aren’t magic and decided to find someone who would make it magic. Christian, sometimes relationships just don’t last. But if you make it your fault, you get to hang onto it for a long time, when you should just let it go.”
“Well, that’s easy for you to say.”
“It is,” I said.
“I don’t want to let go.”
“You don’t have a choice, unless you intend to stalk her, which is another way of holding on.”
“But I love her.”
“Yeah, we’ve been over that.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
“Christian, sorry, but actually you do.”
“Well, what?”
“Give yourself permission to do what you really, deep down want to do.”
“I don’t know what I want to do!”
“Then why are you moaning and groaning and wandering around with puppy-dog all over your face?”
“What?”
“If you don’t know what to do, then why are you doing what you are doing? Why are you acting like this? If you don’t know what to do, why did you choose this method of acting out to express what you are feeling? See?”
“Wait a minute. I think I see what you mean,” he said, “If I don’t know what I am feeling, why am I choosing to act this way?”
“Right. But take it a step further. I know that in your teens and early twenties the only emotional and social guidance you get is from song lyrics, but answer me this - and you actually have to think about it first - don’t you feel just a little relieved that she broke up with you?”
His eyebrows raised and then he frowned and started to speak. I held up my hand sharply and pointed to his head. “Think first.” He shrugged. I waited. He smiled. Then he frowned.
“Okay, yeah, I guess. Maybe I do feel a little relieved. At least now I have time for homework, real work, aikido, and classes. Without the pressure, I mean. But I still love her.”
“Christian, that’s probably true. And you probably will for a long time, but at some point you will discover that what you think of as love has turned into the memory of love. Son, that is almost as sweet as the real thing. You drive around Winter Park and see those old men in the rocking chairs smiling, in front of the nursing homes? They’re remembering. But what you need to embrace right now is the feeling of relief.”
“I just think about calling her and trying to explain that things will be better.”
“Why?” I asked.
“So I can see her again.”
“Why?”
“Well, you know…”
“Christian, when a woman quits you there are certain rules that a man has to follow. Basically the rules are the same as ukemi. When she says it’s over, then it’s over, just like a punch that flies by your head that you can never get back. You just have to let it go and get on with whatever is next in your life. Give her a hug and kiss, tell her it was great, ask her if she needs a loan or a ride anywhere. Offer to carry her bag to her car. Smile, wave goodbye and go watch a ball game with the toilet seat up and a cold twelve-pack. Period. No whining, no begging, no sign whatsoever that you want her to return or that you regret anything. Those are the rules.”
“What if she comes back?” he asked.
“She will.”
“She will?” he asked.
“They always do.”
“They do?”
“She hasn’t called you?” I asked.
“Well, yes, to see if I was all right,” he admitted.
“Change your telephone number,” I said
“What?”
“Just kidding.”
“Sensei, are you making fun of me?”
“Of course.”
“Why?”
“I can’t help myself. I always look for the humor in any situation and face it, life is pretty funny. But it can be pretty distracting when someone quits you, I know, so, sorry about the humor, but not the advice. The advice is gold. Never look