The Gaps

I’m pretty sure peeing myself will not be considered a natural feminine strength.
I put up my hand. ‘Why do we have to learn to defend ourselves? Maybe men should have classes about not assaulting and killing us?’
But my voice gets lost in the chaos of everyone trying to pair off for the ticklefest and I consider going over to Mrs Benjamin to ask her, but I can see that Audrey is already monopolising Benjo’s attention to complain about the Ninja Trainer’s name on the grounds of cultural appropriation.
A wide circle devoid of all human lifeform has opened up around me, but luckily I find Petra hiding behind the vaulting horse.
‘You are the Chosen One!’ I say, but instead of looking ecstatic, as she well should be, Petra looks terrified. She’ll change her tune. I’m a natural actress and she’s really going to benefit from fending off my believable attacks.
Chloe from my Art class has been left with no partner, so when Audrey finishes complaining to Mrs Benjamin she comes over to try and manipulate the pairings.
‘Can we switch so I can go with Petra and you go with her?’ Audrey asks me. Rude.
‘Absolutely not,’ I say. ‘And she has a name, by the way; it’s Chloe.’
Chloe is tall and big and broad like an Amazon, with long long hair down to her butt and square black glasses. I suspect she’s good-looking under those two things, but you’d never know it. Audrey, on the other hand, looks like a movie star from the silent era. Her natural setting is a satin-sheeted boudoir where two half-naked manservants fan her with palm leaves. I’m positive Chloe can take her. I sincerely hope she sits on Audrey’s face repeatedly.
White Ninja has us doing warm-ups, then drills, then combat situations. Petra and Audrey gaze across the two-metre gap between them with yearning, although surely trying to beat up your best friend isn’t great, right? They should thank me, truly.
Mrs Benjamin leans against the climbing wall and everything in her body language indicates her extremely low expectations.
I prove her completely wrong by pinning Petra against the wall before she even has a chance to yelp.
‘You win, you win!’ she gasps.
‘Balls, Petra.’ I release her and point to my eyeballs and then my groin. ‘Balls and balls. I had you easily. If you don’t find a way to get pissed off, you’ll find yourself tied up in someone’s van.’
‘Well, I don’t think she should be encouraging us to get angry,’ Petra says. ‘If we’re in a dangerous situation, it’s better to stay calm.’
‘Switch roles!’ White Ninja calls out. ‘Remember, he won’t want you if you’re loud and strong. If he gets within striking distance, shred him.’
The gym fills with yelps and shouting and laughter. Audrey strolls over to Chloe and taps her on the shoulder.
Chloe sighs and looks at me.
I take a deep breath. ‘HEY! CAN I HELP YOU? ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME, PRICK?’
Petra pushes her hands out but I’m already rushing her and then she’s flat on the ground with her arms cradling her head. I crouch over her, miming all of the moves we’ve been shown—jabbing her in the throat, poking her eyes, play-pulling ears and hair.
‘Ow!’ Petra yelps loudly. ‘You got my eye!’
I sit down on her chest, attack over. ‘Oh, come on, it was a mistake, Petra. I slipped. I barely touched you.’
I prise Petra’s hands away from her face. Her eye looks fine. Maybe it’s watering a little bit. I guess her cheeks are quite red, too.
‘Why are you so angry all the time, Natalia?’ she asks.
If anyone sounds angry, it’s her. I’m not angry. That was controlled technique right there.
‘Are you okay?’ Chloe comes over. White Ninja is making Audrey do punishment sit-ups for not trying hard enough.
I stand up and hold out my hand to help Petra up, but she closes her eyes and shakes her head. Sarah and Ally are laughing like I planned this; that suck Teaghan is in hysterics too. I wish she would stop trying to get back into our group.
‘Suit yourself,’ I say. I find my water bottle and suck on it. I won’t apologise, then.
Chloe and Petra whisper to each other, and then they both go off to the change rooms. Audrey watches them go.
I don’t hang out after school, despite what I’ve sort-of promised Sarah. Instead I throw my blazer on over my PE uniform and sprint the secret shortcut through the Junior School to get the jump on my friends and am rewarded with an almost-empty tram.
I hang off the handle, lifting my feet and spinning as if I’m still a kid. My dress hikes up, my arms ache, I scrape my school shoes along the floor and I grease off any man that dares look in my direction, even the pensioners.
Don’t they know I could shred their balls right now?
The look on Chloe’s face as she led Petra away sticks in my mind. For some reason I would prefer that Chloe doesn’t think I’m the kind of person who pokes people in the eye deliberately. I don’t know why everyone always assumes the worst of me.
The Junction races past the dirty tram windows and still I don’t get off. Instead I wind up near the train station and the shopping centre.
I should be thinking about Sarah and Marley’s theory about Mr Martell, but now I can’t stop thinking about whether I went too hard on Petra. A restless itch sits under my skin. What do I hear all the time, from Mum, Dad, teachers? Natalia, you always go too far.
I buy a handful of red liquorice twists at the sell-everything kiosk by the station, and the old guy there says, ‘You’re too pretty to look so sad. Why don’t you smile?’
So I smile, and while I’m smiling I drop a pack of chewing gum into my school bag, down low where he can’t see it. Smile, smile, white teeth, fresh breath, smile.
‘And you’re way too ugly to look