Blood Loss

into the kitchen and pick up the kettle. I look across the garden at the damp lawn and am reminded of the night of the party two weeks ago. I cringe inwardly every time I think about that kiss with Ellis but it’s like a spot I can’t stop squeezing.
‘Afternoon, you mean.’ Mum frowns at my Piglet pyjamas then glances up at the huge kitchen clock. I follow her gaze. Ten past twelve.
‘You’re wasting your life lying in bed, Jenna. You should be up and doing something.’
I drag my thoughts back and spoon instant coffee into a mug, catching it on the edge and spilling a few granules on the worktop. ‘It’s Saturday, Mum, and I didn’t finish at the bar until after midnight. I needed to catch up on my sleep. Besides, I was up earlier to bring Merlin in from the field and give him his breakfast. I just went back to bed for a while.’ I know it’s better for him to graze out at night in the summer so he doesn’t get too hot but it’s a pain having to get up and put him back in his stable where it’s cooler in the shade.
‘I hope you’re going to clean up that mess you’re making.’ Mum frowns as too much milk slops into the mug, filling it to the brim.
I lean down and slurp a mouthful before picking the drink up and carrying it to the table. ‘I’ll wipe it up in a minute,’ I say as I perch on a chair and pull the local newspaper towards me. ‘Grace is in later. though, isn’t she? She’ll give the kitchen a thorough clean.’
‘That’s not the point. I’m not paying her to clear up after you. And we’re nearly out of milk, so you need to nip to the shops. What are your plans for the rest of the day?’
‘I’m taking Merlin out for a long hack in the woods around my usual route. I’ll fetch some milk when I get back. I can cook for you, if you like. I’m not working until seven tonight.’ Mum has been exhausted since the party and looks like she needs some calories in her.
‘I was thinking of inviting Lucy and Ellis for dinner,’ Mum says. ‘Tonight is their “Beans on Toast” night so they might appreciate a decent meal.’
Bloody “Beans on Toast” night. Mum’s so proud of Lucy for economising to save for a bigger deposit on their new house. I daren’t tell Mum that I’ve maxed the limit on my credit card again. She’s already paid a chunk off for me and she’ll go mad if she finds out. It’s annoying because I was doing okay with managing my finances until Merlin ran up a huge vet bill with his sinus trouble a few weeks ago.
I don’t want to see Lucy and I’m certain she doesn’t want to see me so I’ll make myself scarce. We’ve managed to avoid each other since the party. I’ve never felt such animosity from her and can’t see her forgiving me any time soon. Not that I’ve done anything that needs forgiving. She’s the one who’s in the wrong. Lucy and that git of a fiancé. Maybe I’ll go to Pret for one of their vegan mac and greens dishes before I go to work, and stay out of their way. ‘Okay, I’ll cook another night. Don’t worry about making me anything. I’ll probably go out.’
‘You and Lucy can’t avoid each other forever. It upsets me to think my daughters aren’t even on speaking terms.’
‘Ellis kissed me, Mum, not the other way around. I don’t even fancy him. His sweat smells of cat piss for a start. He’s the one who ruined the party.’ I’d gone straight to my room after the kiss but from what Grace told me most people drifted away after that. ‘Lucy should chin him off,’ I add.
‘Chin him off?’
‘Finish with him.’
I forget Mum speaks a different language sometimes. I still feel bad that Mum’s night was spoiled so I don’t tell her that Lucy has been an absolute bitch to me ever since the incident. She’s sent me poisonous texts and even makes venomous remarks on Facebook every time I post something. I know I don’t always conform to her standards of behaviour and don’t allow her to control my life but her animosity feels unjustified to me. I don’t like Lucy particularly, but I don’t loath her. The thought of how she feels… Well, it hurts.
‘She’ll come round,’ Mum says.
‘Probably.’ I admire her optimism but I don’t actually agree. This rift over Ellis goes deeper than a petty squabble. It’s turned hostility into hatred as far as I can see. ‘I’ll try and get on with her better,’ I say, because I don’t want Mum worrying, but the truth is that I’m struggling to see a way forward for Lucy and me.
‘You’ve always been a sensitive little soul.’ Mum rubs my back in a gesture of affection and I jump up to give her a big hug.
She gasps in surprise. My family has never been particularly demonstrative but I adore hugs and kisses. ‘I love you, Mumsy Bear,’ I say, using her pet name from my childhood and squeezing her. ‘I’m so glad you’re feeling stronger again. You’ve lost weight, though.’ I step back and hold her arms, looking her up and down.
She laughs and pats her stomach. ‘I wanted to get rid of a bit of flab before it gets out of hand. I’ve noticed how a lot of women in their fifties and sixties thicken around the waist.’
I’m not sure I believe her and I wish I could talk to Lucy about it.
I pull on my jodhpurs and a T-shirt then collect my grooming kit from a shelf in the dusty barn. Merlin whickers when he hears me and thrusts his nose over the stable door before he starts kicking it.
‘Hey, don’t be so impatient!’ I try to put his head collar