Fifty Shames of Earl Grey: A Parody

off his muscular pecs.
“Have we told you we’re moving to Seattle?” I say to Jin.
“Dios mío,” he says. “No, this is the first I’ve heard . . .”
“Well, we’re doing it,” I say. “In two weeks, after graduation. Or sooner, since classes are canceled. We just decided to do it on the way here.”
Jin shakes his head. “Have fun,” he says. I can’t tell if he’s happy for us or jealous. Probably jealous, because Seattle is totally much cooler than Portland because it has buildings made of glass and steel instead of grass and mud. Plus it’s the birthplace of grunge, so Kathleen is excited to finally see a Nirvana show in their hometown.
“Another Jägerbomb?” Jin says, heading to the bar.
“Are you trying to get me wasted?” I say.
“Well, if you’re moving away, this might be my last chance to get you smashed and sweep you off your feet,” he says. Oh my, Jin’s so funny!
“Where’s Kathleen?” Jin turns around and scans the packed bar. There she is—she’s on Jin’s back!
“Heeyyyyy,” she slurs.
“Okay, you get off him and I’ll get us another round of Jägerbombs,” I say.
“I’ll get him off,” Kathleen purrs into Jin’s ear. He grins and waves me off.
I stumble toward the bar. How many drinks have I had? Too many, I reckon. I don’t usually get drunk, but then again I don’t usually have a billionaire CEO showing up in my bedroom with an expensive gift. I don’t care how good looking he is—Anna Steal is not someone who can be bought with money. Or bought with things money can buy. When I get to the bar, my inner guidette does a backflip: the bartender is Earl Grey!
“You’re drunk, Anna,” he says to me, shaking a martini.
“Tell me something I don’t know,” I say.
“You’re exceptionally beautiful,” he says.
I blush. “Let me guess: You bought this bar, too?”
He shakes his head. “Oh, Anna,” he says, reaching into my soul with his gray eyes and goosing my inner guidette. “For your information, I don’t own this bar. I’m a part-time bartender. It’s one of my many hobbies. I fell in love with bartending after watching the movie Cocktail.”
“Never seen it.”
“Tom Cruise? Cocktail?”
I shake my head. “I don’t even know who that is. Sorry.”
He laughs his wicked laugh and passes the finished martini to the girl on my left. He takes her money. “You are hilarious, Anna,” he says. “Your sense of humor knows no bounds.”
“If you really do this part time, why haven’t I seen you here before?”
“I normally tend bar at a little club in Seattle, but I’m filling in for a friend here who’s sick. Something you have a little experience with.” He smirks.
“Whatever,” I say. “Give me three Jägerbombs.”
“I’m sorry, Anna. I’m taking you home. You’re drunk.”
“Kathleen or Jin will drive me home,” I say.
“They’re just as drunk as you are,” he says. “I can’t take that chance. You’re too important to me.”
“But you’ll let them drive off, drunk?”
“Well, yeah,” he says. “I’m not worried about them or about anyone else on the road. The only person I’m worried about in this world is you, Anna.”
The things he says! He makes me feel like I’m the only girl in the world. I’ve never felt this special.
“We’re leaving now,” he says. I hope he’s not going to take me on another helicopter ride like earlier in the day, because this time I would, without a doubt, hurl.
“I have to go tell Kathleen and Jin I’m leaving, at least,” I say.
Earl leaps over the bar and grips my arm. “Forget them.”
“What, are you going to pay them off?”
“When you look at me, you must see a big pile of money,” he says. “Is that it?”
When I look at Earl Grey, I don’t see a pile of money. I see a pile of SEXY MF. The room begins spinning . . .
Earl throws me over his shoulder and carries me toward the exit.
“Kathleeeeeeen!” I scream.
We stop moving. I look over my shoulder and see why Earl’s stopped: Jin. We’re in the middle of the dance floor, and dancers begin to clear out around us.
“Put the girl down,” Jin says.
“She’s drunk, and I’m taking her home,” Earl says.
“I can’t let you do that.”
“Who’s going to stop me? You? A twenty-one-year-old brony?”
Jin nods. “That’s right, old man.”
Earl lowers me to the ground. I try to tell them to stop fighting over me, that I’m so drunk I’ll gladly blow them both in the bathroom. Unfortunately, I can’t find my voice. Where did I put it? I don’t have time to look for it, because the bro-down of the century is about to begin—over mousy little Anna Steal!
“So how are we going to settle this? Guitar Hero?” Earl says, rolling his sleeves up. The dance floor has cleared off completely and the DJ stops the music.
“Are you serious? What is this, 2008?” Jin says. “You’ve been watching too much Gossip Girl.”
“Maybe so,” Earl scoffs. “Then what did you have in mind? We sixty-nine each other on the dance floor and whoever makes the other come first wins?”
Jin shakes his head. “You’re real funny—for a rich prick.”
“Why don’t you call me that to my face?”
“I just did,” Jin says.
“Right,” Earl says.
“Enough fun and games,” Jin says, stepping to within a foot of Earl Grey. “We settle this the only way two men who happen to be in the middle of a dance floor can—”
“With a dance-off,” Earl says, interrupting him.
“Actually, I was thinking we could have a fistfight.”
“That works too,” Earl says. Kathleen stumbles over to me and puts her arm around my shoulders. She’s clearly blotto and in no position to intervene either.
Jin balls his hands into fists and stands toe to toe with Earl Grey. Their faces are so close they could kiss. This could get interesting . . .
Earl reaches into his pocket and fishes a Benjamin out of his wallet. “One hundred dollars,” he says, dangling it in front of Jin’s face.
“What’s that for?” Jin asks.
“One hundred dollars for