Fifty Shames of Earl Grey: A Parody

his secretaries, he’s into tall, statuesque blondes.”
“My hair is blond,” Kathleen says. “And I can act like a statue.” She purses her lips and holds her breath. I have to admit she does kind of look like a statue, what with the gray pallor of her skin and empty look in her eyes.
“How are you feeling?” I ask her.
“Better,” Kathleen says, relaxing her body.
“Good,” I say. “I have to leave for work.”
“I can’t believe you’re working tonight. Don’t you have finals to study for?”
Yes, I have finals to study for—that’s what I was supposed to be doing all day long until it was time for me to go to work. I stare at her incredulously.
“Sorry, forget I asked,” Kathleen says dismissively. “Do you want to do body shots before you go? I picked up some fresh limes . . .”
“Sounds tempting,” I say. “But I’m going to be late enough as it is.”
“Okay, your loss,” she says. “Laters.”
I’m glad to get to work, because it gives me a chance to do something besides daydream about Earl Grey. Walmart is the first and only job I’ve ever had. I’ve worked there all four years that I’ve been going to Washington State. Once I graduate, I’m going to start looking for a “real” job. I don’t have anything lined up yet, but I’m not one to worry. In this economy, it shouldn’t be too hard for a fresh college graduate to find a new job.
“I’m so happy you made it in today,” my boss says as I slip on my blue smock in the employee break room. It’s nearly summer, so of course my boss is happy to see me—we’re so busy, what with everyone buying new grills for the summer. Doesn’t anyone ever save their grill from one year to the next? Not in America, I guess.
“Sorry I’m late,” I say.
“I’m just glad you’re here. You know that, Anna—I’m always happy to see a full set of teeth around here.”
I smile.
“Anyway,” he continues, “someone dropped a massive load in the women’s restroom and I need you to clean it up. It’s the biggest damn thing I’ve ever seen come out of another human being.”
I head to the women’s restroom with a plunger and a pair of gardening shears, and I’m soon lost in my task. Earl Grey is the furthest thing from my mind.
The rest of the week I split my time working at Walmart and studying for my exams. Any free time I have I spend fantasizing about “interning” for Earl Grey. And by “interning,” I mean doing two-person pushups with him. Kathleen transcribes the interview and works on her profile of him for Boardroom Hotties. She thanks me for conducting the interview for her and “taking one for the team.” Oh, she has no idea how much I’d like to “take one” for the team.
On Wednesday, I call my mom. She lives in Florida with her sixth husband, some schlub whose name I can never remember. He reminds me of Louis CK, only without a sense of humor. They live in a nudist colony. I drove cross-country and visited them once, which was one time too many.
“How are classes going, Anna?”
“Okay, I guess,” I say distantly.
“Anna? You sound like you’ve fallen in love with a mysterious older man.”
“Yeah, right,” I lie. “Like that would ever happen to me.”
“Honey, you need to put yourself out there. You’ve never had a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend. Or a friend with benefits.”
“Thanks for reminding me, Mom.”
“I’m just saying, there’s nothing wrong with having a little fun,” she says. Maybe she’s right. Who knows more about love and romance than someone who’s on her sixth marriage?
After we finish talking, I call my dad. He doesn’t like to talk on the phone, but I like to call and bug him anyway. After fifteen minutes of me blabbing my mouth off and him grunting awkwardly, I realize that I haven’t called my dad—I dialed the wrong number, and some creepy guy is making a sandwich on the other end of the line. I hang up immediately. I’ll call my dad another day; I need a shower.
I spend the rest of the night doing schoolwork. After striking a match and lighting a candle, I sit down at my desk with my quill pen and parchment to write an essay for my ethics class on the legalities of fan fiction. When I finish, it’s one in the morning. I blow out my candle and crash on my bed, where I fall asleep to images of Earl Grey’s gray eyes watching over me . . .
On Friday night, the doorbell rings as I’m studying and Kathleen is watching Wall Street. I answer the door. It’s my best ethnic friend, Jin!
“Come in,” I say, hugging him.
Jin and I have been friends since we were freshmen, though we’ve never dated. He’s graduating this year as well. He’s a communications major, but no one is really sure what that qualifies him to do after college. Like me, he’s clueless about the real world.
He’s holding a forty-ounce bottle of Olde English. “Good news,” he says. “I’ve been promoted to forum moderator at PonyExpression.net.”
When he’s not in school or doing homework, Jin spends his free time reading and writing My Little Pony fanfic. He’s deep into the “brony” scene. Who knew that there were so many male fans of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic? I never thought his obsession would amount to anything, but it sounds like I’ve been proven wrong. “Congratulations,” I say, hugging him again. “How much will you be getting paid?”
He clears his throat. “It’s, uh, peanuts,” he says.
At least his parents are still footing his bills while he’s in college. “Oh,” I say. “Well. You can eat peanuts, after you shell them. Unless they’re already shelled. Then you can just eat them.”
Kathleen flashes Jin a thumbs-up from the couch. She hasn’t been feeling well again, but what else is new.
“Anyway, I brought us