A Mother Forever

lay staring at the ceiling. Was her mum right? She didn’t feel as though she was wallowing in grief. All she knew was, one day she was carrying a child and the next day she wasn’t – and there was nothing to show for it apart from a pain so raw she wanted to scream out loud, even though no one would listen to her. Where was her baby – what had they done with it? Didn’t the poor scrap of life deserve a grave – somewhere its mother could go to mourn? Someone must know, and she was determined to find out what had happened to her daughter.
Ruby must have slept again for a while, as she came to with a start when she heard heavy footsteps on the stairs. ‘Is that you, Mum?’ she called out. She would press Milly to tell her more of what had happened.
‘No, it’s me, your husband,’ Eddie Caselton said loudly as he entered the room and stared down at his wife.
‘I wondered when I’d see you,’ she said, looking for just a spark of sorrow in his face at the loss of his child. ‘It was a baby girl,’ she whispered.
‘So your mother told me, although it doesn’t matter what it was. There’ll be others,’ he added, looking towards his side of the bed.
Ruby couldn’t believe what he was insinuating. ‘Perhaps you can bunk down with our George for a few days? Being poorly, I don’t want to disturb you, and you’ll need your sleep if you’re to get to work on time.’
Eddie shrugged his shoulders and turned to look out of the window. ‘They didn’t want me after all. I’ll have to go back to doing odd jobs for Cedric.’
Ruby sighed as she fought a lump forming in her throat. ‘Oh, Eddie. I thought this move would be a fresh start for us – a lovely new home, a new baby, and you with a decent job. Now we’ve just got the home, and no way to pay the rent. What are we going to do?’
There was a short silence before he replied. ‘You’ll be back on your feet soon and can pick up some work cleaning, or perhaps even working in one of the shops in the town. After all, they’re only round the corner. You could be back to get me dinner, and your mother can do her bit around the house and look after the kid.’
Ruby digested his words. It was as if nothing was going to change. She could see her dreams fading before her eyes. ‘I’m going to call her Sarah, after my nan. I always liked the name.’
‘What are you talking about, woman? There’s nothing to name.’
An ache deep inside told Ruby otherwise. She’d not argue with her husband. What was the point? For him, it was over and done with. Stella was right: men just didn’t understand, or the few who did grieved differently. For all they knew, having a baby simply meant a wife disappeared into the bedroom while the husband was ushered from the house. Hours later, there was a baby, and he was treated to drinks, a slap on the back and a good evening down the pub, she thought bitterly.
When she’d met Eddie Caselton, Ruby had thought herself the luckiest woman in the world. He was a good ten years older than her and considered a lucky catch. Her mother, Milly, had not been so impressed. ‘The only reason he’s married you is because of what you’re carrying in your belly. How could you be so stupid, girl? He wanted you for one thing only. I should wash my hands of you. Your two sisters made good marriages and I expected more of you,’ she’d sniffed.
Ruby had been adamant that Eddie loved her. Hadn’t he treated her like a lady and courted her in the manner expected? It had only been the once that their kisses had gone too far and she’d consented and enjoyed his lovemaking. When she’d cried afterwards, thinking of what had occurred, he’d apologized and promised to care for her if there were any consequences. He’d been as good as his word and married her, declaring to the world it was time he settled down. Sadly, not long after George had been born, Ruby had begun to see that her husband had a different side to him. He preferred doing the odd bit of work for Cedric over holding down a proper job; not that the money he earned often reached home. If not for the few coppers she earned cleaning down the pub, she had no idea how they would have coped. On occasion, when Eddie stumbled home the worse for wear after celebrating a lucky win on the horses, she’d gone through his pockets, taking several coins and hiding them away while he slept off the drink. Was that what she had to look forward to for the rest of her life? Granted, he doted on his son, and no one could say he was a bad father.
Perhaps it was her fault that he behaved the way he did. After she’d given birth to a healthy boy, further pregnancies had failed within weeks of her knowing she was expecting. Sarah was the only one who had almost gone full term. As the weeks turned to months and Ruby’s stomach expanded, she had clung on to the hope that she could give her husband a second child. There must be something wrong with her, to fail her husband like this. There again, her sisters had not provided their husbands with any offspring. She’d once mentioned this to Milly, suggesting there must be something wrong in the family, what with all three sisters having only the one child between them. Milly had scoffed at the suggestion, pointing out that she herself had birthed three healthy girls and Ruby should stop with her fanciful thoughts.
Ruby reached for her bag, which had been placed by the side of