The Blizzard Party

period of information collection, that a distressed company might be made more profitable, his firm would purchase it and set to restructuring. Big deal, so management took a haircut. No one needed to worry about those guys. They parachuted into new Aeron chairs in new offices at new companies without putting so much as a single wrinkle in their khakis. My husband’s firm was not a buy-and-burn operation. And they did fine, just fine. They did fine, I should say, until the day they were obliterated, every last one of them.
Thus, by the grace of my husband’s good worry, I was allowed to remain on the island of my birth, in the only home I’ve ever known. I was two months out of Amherst, living in my childhood bedroom, when Vikram hired me as an analyst. He was seven years older than I. We were connected by a long history, though we didn’t know each other very well. At first our ages served as a natural barrier. We were formal, respectfully awkward. I told myself he was no different than his colleagues. Nice suits, tall collars, Breitlings, wallets fat as hamburgers parked on their desks lest their spines go crooked from twelve-hour days on misaligned hips. Strange men. Men of practiced masculinity, no subtlety, all of them silently yearning for a lost boyhood. I told myself I had no interest in a man who’d chosen such a life for himself. I told myself I was disappointed in how he’d turned out. We were married three years later.
Vik looked good in a convertible. He looked good in shorts and sunglasses, no shirt, hair blown back. He looked good at the console of Bo Vornado’s old Boston Whaler, which he’d scored at a sweet discount. Bo had tried to recruit him when he was twenty-five. The boat had been part of the mating dance. Bo had an eye for talent, but it never would have worked, which Vik recognized long before Bo did. Bo liked to hit the jugular with his fangs out. My husband was a gentleman. He met your eye and listened. He might touch your shoulder on parting. A spy, not a hairy forearm-to-the-face type. On a flight to Tulsa he could talk crop rotation with the Aggie on his right, then turn and talk shoelace production with the Sooner on his left. Mostly he listened, and for his patience he’d been rewarded with a mind that was a warehouse of the arcane. What good does a working knowledge of the lacing patterns attractive to the suburban Caucasian male American 13–17 demo do you? None until you need to assess the financial viability of Oklahoma’s last shoelace factory. That kind face, which was absent the menace that men manufacture to scare away the other dogs—it put people at ease. He had brown eyes, elegant bovine eyelashes.
When he traveled for work, I often wished his plane would go down. This was after we were married. I was still in my twenties and hadn’t yet developed the competencies that I assume would have allowed me to navigate a long marriage. I didn’t know why I wanted him to die. I only knew that I wanted a blank slate. I was getting a bead on it all when he disappeared. He could do a great French accent. He could roll bastard around in his mouth and I’d be in agony. I loved him and I wished he would vanish and he did.
After he disappeared, I told the counselor that I’d often wished he would die in a plane crash. She said I’d felt abandoned. She said I was angry at him for traveling. I said that a plane crash was cheaper than a divorce. Ha. You’re essentially a solitary person, she said, and I said, Yes, that’s true. She said, Do you feel guilty now for wishing that he would die in that manner? No, I said. It was just a fantasy, I said, an escape fantasy, and I knew that much even then. Okay, the counselor said. That’s probably what I would have told you. It’s a normal fantasy. You know, parents sometimes wish their children would be abducted. Well-adjusted, normal, decent people. Fleeting thoughts, the counselor said, but worth examining. I can imagine, I said. Sometimes, she said, as a reaction to overwhelming life events—the unpredictable nature of love, for instance—our psyches create scenarios that allow us to relieve the pressure. Sometimes that’s all we need, a stress valve. If you sometimes feel relief that he’s gone, that’s normal. It’s fine to feel that way. As valid as any other emotion. Do you ever feel that way?
Relieved? I said.
Yes, relieved, she said.
My counselor was named Lana and she was terrible.
Surely he’s easier to love retrospectively. Would we have stayed married if he hadn’t disappeared? Doesn’t matter. Do I still love him only because he’s gone? Doesn’t matter. Is his existence within me a form of love? Doesn’t matter. I’m well trained in the analysis of markets, art, literature, and I’m capable of accurately extracting motivations, intentions, and presuppositions from a wide range of people, and none of that matters, either. It’s all mechanics, gears and grease; the only thing that matters is the feeling itself. The how of feelings—even the why of them—is a distraction, a game for college kids reading Descartes, something for a neuroscientist to build a career on.
The ability to experience an emotion without labeling it—that’s what I’m talking about. I know it’s not cool to say this, but Vik is a living, breathing thing within my every feeling and my every action, and while I recognize that (as I have been told by a number of counselors) I do not have to allow loss to define me, I believe the righteous path is one of memorialization. Of course, I have some experience serving as a vessel for memories of the dead, and perhaps that has influenced my feelings on the matter. Perhaps I’ve chosen the