Topsy Turvy Kinda Love
worried he’d explode as soon as I slid down him. He seemed to pick things up after a few minutes, though, literally and figuratively.He has sex like he moves, all smooth and swagger. He’s gotten bolder, learning to bring out his flirty, sexy side. Maybe he really has been thinking about this for weeks and months. I smile, thinking about how many orgasms I’ve had in the midst of a day. Once we got over that alphabet mishap. God, now that was horrible. I’m not even sure where he got that, but he’s been banned from doing it ever again.
He’s even different during sex. It’s almost like he has a controlling alpha side where he gets all growly, versus the normal polite and fun Brooks. And the sex… The most intense I’ve ever experienced. It isn’t just physical with him. My emotions are all out of whack on a rollercoaster careening down a snow-covered mountain with failed brakes.
Now that the fog has faded, I need to sort my feelings about all of this, but I don’t want to. Not yet. Thinking about it will be admitting that it may be something more. It’s not. It’s only sex between us because these aren’t feelings. It’s a lack of oxygen to the brain over all the hot sex we’ve been having. Brain deprivation due to big dick overload.
Every time I move, I’m reminded of the delicious soreness from our sexcapades yesterday. It hasn’t been that good in years for me. That’s also the first time I haven’t gotten stoned out of my mind right beforehand. So maybe being sober is the reason all these thoughts are competing for space in my brain. Overwhelming me.
My growling stomach reminds me that we forgot to eat dinner last night, and I need to replenish myself, but first, I need a shower. As much as I don’t want to wash Brooks’ scent from my body, I need to get my mind on straight and remember why I’m doing this with him. It’s also why I dragged myself from his bed late last night instead of staying in it for two nights in a row. I’m teaching him sex for someone else. For someone that isn’t me. Straightforward and simple. No attachments, no feelings… So why do I feel so weird about it now?
I get up and head toward the bathroom, needing to freshen up. I crank the shower too hot, letting steam fill the bathroom. Stepping under the spray, I let everything sink in.
Brooks.
The look he gives me that’s filled with so much hope for us. A look that tells me he thinks I’m possible of love. Shaking my head, I abandon that notion. It isn’t possible. I’m too scarred against love to ever believe. It’s only taken 25 years to figure out that I’m broken.
The way he looks to me for instruction and asks if I’m okay every step of the way. He lets me lead and never once makes me feel pressured or tells me what to do. He’s becoming a strong force in my life. One I refuse to lean on. People don’t stick around. People want what they want from you, and then they throw you away like a discarded dish towel that’s been used one too many times.
Brooks is getting to me, and for the first time, I realize that my heart isn’t really made of steel. There’s tiny fragments on the surface that can turn into deep fractures if I’m not careful. A tear slips down my face from all the emotions pounding me. But what if Brooks is different? What if…maybe… for once, I’m not really alone.
Dude, she totally fell for it. I did all the normal boyfriend things. Told her she was pretty, told her I loved her. You should have seen her face. She straight up believed me.
Chad laughed with his friends, unaware that I had heard every word. It hurt. Like a dagger to the chest. A confession I shouldn’t have heard shattered the very way I thought about love and relationships. I’d given him my virginity just to find out that I was another notch on his bedpost. Yet another man in my life that I couldn’t depend on to do the right thing.
I’d say he broke me, but I won’t give him that much credit.
That was the day I swore to myself that I’d never let a man get anywhere close to taking my heart. So I put it under lock and key. When I confronted him about it a couple days later, he adamantly denied all of it, but I knew the truth. He tried to kiss me after he realized I didn’t believe him, backpedaling fast to tell me he was just shooting the shit with the guys. A little too late, I’d thought.
Words can’t be taken back. I choose to believe actions always speak louder. So I’d adopted this persona. I’d dyed my strawberry blonde hair into cotton candy colors and started wearing gothic clothing. I spent most of my time holed up painting and smoking, trying to drown out the feelings with some THC. I noticed that people who look differently tended to be ignored and left alone and that’s exactly what I’d wanted.
I was fine with that life until Brooks walked into Topsy Turvy a little over a year ago and changed every thought. I guess at this point, I need to decide if giving Brooks a chance is worth the eventual downfall of my soul when it doesn’t work out.
A knock on the bathroom door has me wiping my eyes quickly. I didn’t realize how long I’ve been in here. Long enough to wash my hair, had I remembered. I hadn’t even washed anything yet. “Knock, knock my sexy pixie.” He pulls back the shower curtain and smiles that panty melting grin. “Hand check.”
I raise my hands and can’t help but laugh.
“Good. Just wanted to make sure you weren’t getting frisky in here without me.”
“Nope, just taking a