Holden's Resurrection (Gemini Group Book 6)

your side; the two of you are close. She’s insanely protective over those she loves. To her, Charleigh’s an outsider who causes you pain. But she’s torn because she likes Faith.”
Punch to the throat.
Knife to the heart.
Everyone enjoyed being around Faith because she was a sweet, polite kid who always seemed to have a smile.
“Holden, I hate to tell you this, but I don’t think you can move on, either.”
“Trust me, I’ve moved on.”
Bobby’s hands went to her hips and her eyes narrowed. For a short little thing, she could be seriously scary. When the woman was pissed, it was best to get out of her way and let her burn it out.
“Why are men so dumb?”
“I feel like that’s a trick question.”
Her eyes narrowed further. “It’s not. It’s a rhetorical question. I wasn’t looking for an answer because there is none. Your definition of moving on is sexing up every woman you can find. That’s not moving on. That’s fucking away your cares. And by the by, Holden, most women don’t like to be bedded and have the man bedding them thinking about another woman while they’re doing the deed.”
Well, Bobby was right about one thing, he had spent years trying to fuck his cares away. However, it didn’t work. Nothing did. Not time, not war, not moving to a different state, not his work, nothing. Charleigh was never far from his thoughts. Charleigh and Faith.
Years and years of guilt had piled so high he was ready to collapse. The weight had compounded and multiplied until he was under maximum load and the ground beneath his feet had crumbled away, leaving him in constant freefall.
“I wasn’t trying—”
“Save it. That’s exactly what you were doing. Why’d you leave her?”
Holden snapped straight and shook his head.
“Bobby, it’s cool of you to care. You know I love you, but you need to back off.”
She seemed to consider his words, then in true Bobby fashion, decided to plow ahead.
“Right. Like Nix, Jameson, Weston, and Chasin have done? Back off and let you live in your Airstream all alone stewing and suffering by yourself? Is that what you mean?”
“I’m not stewing,” he denied. “And I’m not suffering.”
“That’s a bullshit lie and you know it.”
It certainly was. It was a big, fat, fucking lie. However, he did more than stew and suffer. He grieved and ached for all he’d lost. He sat alone agonizing over the stupid choices he’d made. But at the time, he’d felt like it was the right thing to do. He thought he was giving Charleigh what she needed to be happy.
“Bobby,” he warned in a low growl. “Drop it.”
“No. Your time’s up. One of those men should’ve pulled your head out of your ass when you left her. I get that men don’t do touchy-feely, and things like emotions cause allergic reactions in tough macho men. But seriously, Holden, it’s been a long time and you still love her. She loves you. You love each other.” Bobby gave him a scathing look that told him she thought he was a dumbass. “So unless she did something so heinous, which I doubt because you said it was your fault, I don’t understand why you won’t try to fix things with her. So, tell me, why’d you’d leave her?”
“It’s none of your business.”
“Bull-shit. Bullshit. You’re like the obnoxious big brother I wish I never had. Which means it’s my duty as the pseudo little sister to make it my business. But more as your friend, I owe it to you to stop you from purposefully hurting yourself.”
Holden found it increasingly difficult to hold his temper in check. The last seven months had taken a toll. It was one thing to live with the shame when Charleigh and Faith lived in another state. It was easier to pretend he hadn’t screwed over a good woman. No, easier wasn’t the word, nothing had been easy. Nothing could ever erase the indignity of his actions.
And that was part of why there was no fixing what he’d done. He didn’t deserve Charleigh’s forgiveness.
“Holden—”
“She wanted kids. Lots of them,” he sneered.
“And? You didn’t?”
Hell yeah, he did. He wanted to give Charleigh everything she wanted. A big family, lots of love and laughter. He wanted to be a dad. Wanted it so badly, that when she came up pregnant his whole world shattered.
“I can’t have kids.”
A sour taste coated his tongue and his heart hurt so fucking bad his hand moved to his chest to massage the ache.
“What?” Bobby’s face crumbled and all the attitude left her features.
“I couldn’t give her what she wanted. What I wanted. One night we were lying in bed and she was whispering about our future. The house we’d live in, the family we’d make, the adventures we’d take our kids on and it hit me, I couldn’t give her that. There would be no family, no adventures, no kids.”
“Jesus, Holden, did it ever cross your mind the two of you could’ve adopted? You could’ve used a donor and had children that way?”
“No,” he admitted. “Nothing crossed my mind except I couldn’t give my woman what she wanted. I lay in that bed, next to the woman I loved more than anything, wanting nothing more than to be able to give her a family. And after she fell asleep in my arms my mind wouldn’t shut off. All I could think about were my shortcomings. All the pain she’d go through because of me. Adoption doesn’t always lead to a happy ending. Birth parents can change their minds and take the baby back. I didn’t want that for her. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to find a man who could give her everything I couldn’t. I didn’t want fertility doctors and disappointment. So I let her go. Only, I didn’t know how goddamned painful it would be.”
Never having admitted the truth, Holden felt like he’d run a marathon with a hundred-pound ruck on his back. His chest heaved and