The Halcyon Fairy Book
dry throat” definitely leaves you with a sense of chagrin.The Story of Log
This is a Finnish folktale, sent in by an Alert Reader, who said I had to read it and was so very, very right. It’s from Mighty Mikko: Finnish Folk Tales and Fairy Tales by Parker Fillmore (New York: Harcourt, 1922).
Log, the Hero Who Released the Sun
Hmm. Log. Well, it’s better than “Charming.” Probably an old Finnish name. Log Logsson. Inga Logsdottir. Maybe that’s Norwegian. Well, anyway. Log.
ONCE a poor couple had no children. Their neighbours all had boys and girls in plenty but for some reason God did not send them even one.
“If I cannot have a flesh and blood baby,” the woman said one day, “I’m going to have a wooden baby.”
Oh god, he’s really a log, isn’t he?
She went to the woods and cut a log of alder just the size of a nice fat baby. She dressed the log in baby clothes and put it in a cradle. Then for three whole years she and her husband rocked the cradle and sang lullabies to the log baby.
We saw this before with the Hog Bridegroom, but y’know … at least the pig was alive. Three years gets us heavily into people-with-baby-dolls-they-think-are-real uncomfortable-silence territory.
At the end of three years one afternoon, when the man was out chopping wood and the woman was driving the cows home from pasture, the log baby turned into a real baby! It was so strong and hearty that by the time its parents got home it had crawled out of the cradle and was sitting on the floor yelling lustily for food.
Oh dear god, he’s made of were-wood.
It ate and ate and ate and the more it ate the faster it grew.
Ravenous log baby! Nothing weird about that. Nope.
It was not any time at all in passing from babyhood to childhood, from childhood to youth, and from youth to manhood. From the start, people of the village knew it as Log, and Log never got any other name.
I can’t help but imagine the way this went down, with the neighbors knowing that Log’s parents were suffering some very strange issues.
“Guess what? Log sat up today!”
“I … see.” *avoids eye contact* “Well. That’s … um … something. How nice for you.”
“And he said his first word, too!”
“… sure he did, Martha.”
And then one day here they come with the log, and it’s practically a teenager, and clearly it must LOOK like a log enough that they knew what it is, so the neighbors are presumably sitting on the porch, watching the family walk by.
“So a teenaged log just walked by with his parents … ”
“I’m going to drink heavily now, Martha.”
“That sounds like a great idea, Sven.”
Log’s parents knew from the start that Log was destined to be a great hero. That was why he was so strong and so good. There was no one in the village as strong as he was, or anyone as kind and gentle.
Aww. It’s nice that Log is a sweetie. I suppose it’s probably very calming being were-wood. Maybe on the full moon you just stand out in the garden and root.
Now just at this time a great calamity overtook the world. The sun, the moon, and the dawn disappeared from the sky and as a result the earth was left in darkness.
“Who have taken from us the sun and the moon and the dawn?” the people cried in terror.
“Whoever they are, “the king said, “they shall have to restore them!”
Don’t be a sun and moon hog, dude.
“Where, O where are the heroes that will undertake to find the sun and the moon and the dawn and return them to their places in the sky?”
There were many men willing to offer themselves for the great adventure but the king realized that something more was needed than willingness.
“It is only heroes of unusual strength and endurance,” he said, “who should risk the dangers of so perilous an undertaking.”
So he called together all the valiant youths of the kingdom and tested them one by one. He had some waters of great strength and it was his hope to find three heroes: one who could drink three bottles of the strong waters, a second that could drink six bottles, and a third one to drink nine bottles.
… waters of great strength. Uh huh. Is that what they’re calling it these days?
Hundreds of youths presented themselves and out of them all the king found at last two: one was able to take three bottles of the strong waters, the other six bottles.
“But we need three heroes!” the king cried. “Is there no one in this entire kingdom strong enough to drink nine bottles?”
My heroes must be strong and willing and have livers made of cast-iron!
“Try Log!” someone shouted.
All the youths present at once took up the cry, “Log! Log! Send for Log!”
Everybody loves Log! Log is popular! He’s kind and gentle and oh-so-strong! The men want to be him, and the ladies want to be with him.
And I bet he has amazing woo — Ahem.
No, no. I’m good. Not going for the easy shot there. We are dignified here. We are serious scholars of folklore. We are OH GODWOODWOODWOODWOODDICKJOKEWOODWOODWOOD!
( … wood.)
… right. Now that’s out of our system.
I feel better now. Do you feel better now?
Do you want to sing the Log Song from Ren & Stimpy first?
Okay. Go ahead. I’ll wait.
Right. Moving on!
So the king sent for Log and sure enough, when Log came he was able to drink down nine bottles of the strong waters without any trouble at all.
Log is used to wood-grain alcohol. This is nuthin’. Hardly makes you blind at all.
“Here now,” the king proclaimed, “are the three heroes who are to release the sun and the moon and the dawn from whoever are holding them in captivity and restore them to their places in the sky!”
He equipped the three heroes for a long journey furnishing them money and food