From Mourning to Joy

and let the tears fall. Bernie had been nothing but generous from the moment he stepped foot on her property and she’d treated him like an outcast, clunking him in with the sorry riff-raff that had crossed her path. She’d not succumbed to fear in a long time and chided herself: So much for growing tough skin. Since September, when they’d buried Jacob six feet under, she’d experienced torrents of confusing emotions wearing a multitude of disguises.
Sam had been the first to introduce her to the hardships she’d face as a lone widow living outside the protection of Belle, and she’d vowed never again to bow to the terror he’d imparted on her during his brief stay. In light of tonight’s episode, it appeared she’d tossed all drifters in the same bag. Even after learning that Sam had found employment on the Silver Aspen Ranch, she remained determined not to live in fear. Yet, here it was plaguing her like the return of an incurable disease.
Try and she might, she could not credit the underlying fear as the main source of the raging emotions swirling inside her tonight. The jolt from Bernie’s touch had instead inspired new sensations that did not stem from any defensive dread for her safety. In light of her unpromising future, she’d be a fool not to study this new sentiment creeping to the forefront.
“Ma, are you all right?” A small voice sounded from his doorway. She opened her arms and he ran into them.
“Oh, Davey. I miss your Pappy.”
“You didn’t run Mr. B. off with your gun, did ya?”
Janelle playfully messed his hair. “No, probably a much more dangerous weapon.” She took his hand. “Shall I read to you from the Good Book?”
“That’d be nice, Ma.”
“Come on. You wash your face and hands while I change into my nightclothes. Then we’ll snuggle in the big bed and read about miracles.”
“I’m thinking God sent us a miracle in Mr. B,” Davey said.
“Agreed. We’d both be dead, walking the streets of heaven with your Pappy if Mr. B hadn’t come along when he did,” said Janelle.
“I know heaven is our hope but I was sort of hankering for a bit more time down here on earth. Do you think God’s all right with that?” asked Davey.
“None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. But we can stand on the truth that God knows the exact hour that he will call us home and He will keep us until that day.”
Janelle awoke an hour later and pushed her son to the side. After placing the Bible on the night table, she tiptoed into the kitchen, turned up the lantern and went to work. From the dishpan, her gaze often drifted to the side window where she noticed a dim light through the cracks in the barn boards, and smoke billowing out the chimney from the potbelly stove. Relief that he’d at least be warm softened the remorse she felt in failing to speak openly to the man.
Janelle wondered if his thoughts of this new family he’d rescued were kind tonight. She’d given him every reason to back off emotionally and never reveal that easy-going gait that she found irresistible. And Davey, how could she explain his standoffishness to her son when all she wanted was to protect him from bonding with a drifter?
A light knock invaded the silence. She turned while drying her hands on her apron. Glancing out the window, she noticed the light had disappeared from the barn, and when she drew closer to the door, she heard Bernie’s voice.
“Just me, ma’am. Needed to clear the air so I could fall asleep.”
She smiled faintly while opening the door wide, shifting to the side to let him pass and then closing it against the cold night. He removed his hat, and from his position could see Davey curled up in the big bed.
“Suppose that says it all. I’ll pull out in the morning.”
Janelle grabbed his arm. “Bernie please, I’m not good at this.”
“Honesty? Just spit it out, woman and stop both our minds from guessing.”
“I felt threatened.” She knew she couldn’t leave it there. Not if he wanted honesty. “At first, I wrote off my reaction to our touch as fear from past unwanted advances, but my heart wouldn’t let it rest there. Truth is, I bolted when our hands made contact as a result of a new feeling, one I haven’t figured out as of yet. But it wasn’t fear. You’ve been good to my son and me and I returned it by lashing out defensively, knowing Davey will be hurt when you leave in the spring.”
“And will you care if I leave in the spring?”
“Can’t rightly answer that. I’ve only known you a short time. But I can say I’d miss your carefree nature for the rest of the winter should you leave prematurely, or perhaps worse; stay and remain distant toward us.”
“Never my intention, ma’am.”
“And I believe it was you who set the rule about using first names,” Janelle said attempting to brighten the gloom.
A slow grin spread across his face. “I reckon I did.”
“So, can we put this misunderstanding behind us?” asked Janelle.
“Best place for it. And in the future should something be on your mind, just break loose and let ‘er fly. You’ll be surprised how understanding I can be.”
“I already am. You’re unlike any drifter I’ve ever known.”
“And how many would that be?” he asked and watched her squirm.
“Well, not too many,” she stammered then noticed the tease curling the corner of his lips. “Are you baiting me?”
“Fishing? Is the Belle River good for ice-fishing?”
Janelle frowned at the sudden change in topic. “I believe it is. The men at church use a bragging stick to measure their great catches. Such a competitive lot.”
“How about we all go tomorrow after