Guilty as Charged

know he’s not husband material,” she jokes and I laugh at her bluntness.  “But I feel like there’s something else going on. You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”  Ally eyes me from the side as we cruise along the sidewalks.
I let out a heavy sigh and then look up to the sky in reflection.  “I don’t know … I’m not sleeping again.”
“The nightmares?”
“Yeah.” I sigh.
“What about the sleeping pills?”
“I stopped taking them.”
Ally clicks her tongue.  “Why? They’re meant to help you.”
“I know. But I don’t want to depend on them for the rest of my life, Ally. I feel weak and I’m not used to feeling that way. It’s like I’m in this limbo state and the entire world is passing me by while I just try to survive day to day. Every day I battle fear and rage as little pieces of control slip through my fingers.”
“How so?”
“I just feel like I’m missing out on something, my life one monotonous list that repeats itself daily. And now with my dad breathing down my neck about the Andrew thing and tracking my every movement, I’m afraid that one day I’m going to wake up married to a man I don’t love and realize I regret my entire life. Do you ever feel like you’re afraid of living with regrets?”
“Psh. All the time. I think I got married and had kids too soon. Sometimes I wonder if I married the right man, even though Collin has never given me a reason to doubt him. I play the what if game daily, especially when I’m fishing toys out of the toilet.”
“Yeah, but at least you’re living. You have a husband and children. You partied and lived your life before you settled down. I haven’t. The only wild and crazy things I’ve ever done in my life were with you by my side. And even after the attack, if you wanna call it that, I feel like I resorted back to the same instead of taking it as a warning that life can end in an instant.”
“You’re welcome for those stories by the way.”  She nudges my shoulder playfully with hers as we continue to turn along the pathway, dodging a few other families and kids on their bikes out tonight. “But I hear you. What happened was terrifying, Syd. And I can’t blame your dad for wanting to protect you, but you don’t want to have to depend on him for that for the rest of your life, do you?”
I shake my head.  “No. And now he feels even more overbearing. That’s why I’m applying for my concealed carry license, and I think I want to take self-defense classes.”
“I think that’s a good idea. Did they ever catch the guy?”
“Nope. And that’s just it. Given how many people go through my father’s courtroom on a daily basis, it could have been anyone related to a case he presided over. That and he came up behind me, so I didn’t exactly get a good look at him.”
I think back to that night often, the one where a gun was held to my head by an arm encased in a maroon sleeve as I tried to get in my car late one night after work.  I can still feel the man’s hot breath on my neck as he pressed the metal barrel into my temple, telling me to watch my back and send a message to my father to make his decision wisely.  My stepfather was presiding over a criminal case at the time of a well-known gang member and the media was covering it heavily.  The man in question was being sentenced to life in prison on multiple counts of murder, and the person testifying against him was a member of their rival gang.  I can’t help but feel that the intention to scare me was so my father would lessen the sentence or dismiss evidence, which clearly exposed how little they understood the judicial system. And even though I ran to my father and warned him, he never let it affect his decision, even though he knew my safety was being threatened.
Since that night, he had a tracker installed on my car, an app on my phone to do the same, and a security detail that would follow me around town.  The black car parked down the street from Ally’s house alerts me to the ominous presence I’ve become accustomed to.  But I don’t want to live like this forever.  I can’t ask my dad to not want to protect me, but if I felt more confident in my ability to protect myself, then I think that would help me sleep better at night.
“That’s something that’s always going to happen. Anyone who works in law enforcement or the court system knows that invasion of privacy and threats come with the territory.”
“I know. But I’m just questioning my own ability to stand up for myself.”
Ally sighs and then pops up in her steps.  “You know what you need? A night out. When’s the last time we had some fun?”  Her attempt to change the subject helps lighten the conversation.
“It has been a while since I’ve been out …”
“Me too, and I think it would help loosen you up a bit before you go all Ronda Rousey on me and start carrying a pistol on your hip. Why don’t I ask Collin’s parents to watch the kids next weekend and we all go to The Jameson? I hear the place is off the chain!”
I widen my eyes with shock as I look over at Ally.  “Did you just say off the chain? I’m pretty sure that was the hip thing to say when we were in high school.”
“Well, forgive me, but I’ve been too busy popping out babies to keep up with the lingo. Regardless, I think we need a night to get wasted and let loose. Collin could use it too. He’s been working like crazy. Let’s get drunk