Abigail Rath Versus Bloodsucking Fiends

table, the little clicks emphasizing each question.
I frowned at Vince. “I was getting there.”
“Look,” said Ned. “I made a mistake. Sorry. Just forget you ever saw me, and I won’t bother you or your parents again.”
That was unexpected. “You bet you made a mistake,” I said. “You should have left Vince alone. We can’t let you go now that we know you’re a vampire. We’re responsible for what you do now.”
“Did I say I was a vampire?”
“Figuring that out is not rocket science, Ned. We’ve got all these notes from you menacing Vince’s dad, and now you’re stalking Vince.” I tightened my grip on my bag.
Ned rubbed his chin. “So, Vince, can I get you and Abby something to eat?” There was a moment of silence as Ned surveyed the wreckage on the table. Ned changed tactics. “You guys should go home,” said Ned. “You’re in a lot of trouble with your parents, right? I know my parents would have flipped.”
“We’re not going home until we settle this,” I said, “one way or the other.”
Ned shut me out and looked right at Vince. “I don’t think your friend likes me.”
“It’s nothing personal,” said Vince. “That’s just her way. She thinks she knows everything about...everything.”
How come that line made it into my fantasy version of this conversation, and my real version of this conversation? Of course I came off better in the fantasy version. Real life didn’t seem fair. “What do you want with Vince?”
“Like I said,” said Ned, “I made a mistake. Forget you ever saw me.”
“That,” I said, “would be irresponsible of anyone in the profession.”
Vince sighed. “You know, Abby, maybe Ned’s right. Maybe we should forget about this? He seems sorry.”
“What are you talking about? Do you want to be out in the parking lot of Big Mel’s some night, get fanged, and ta-da! You’re undead?”
“Geez!” said Ned. “Like I would do that!”
I snorted. “You aren’t a very good vampire, are you? What, you’ve been a vampire for maybe twenty years, and you just said ‘geez.’ Isn’t there a vampire school you guys go to? To learn to wave your cape dramatically, stuff like that?”
Now Vince ignored me. That was getting old. “Ned, how did you become a vampire?”
Ned smoothed down his hair, but it sprang again to attention. “Your dad and I grew up in the same neighborhood. A vampire moved in across the street.”
Ouch. A vampire in the suburbs. Not usual, but I had heard of three cases.
“We were stupid. We thought we could break into his house and take care of him.” Ned was talking to Vince, but he was looking at me when he said it, sober. “We were dumb kids, biting off more than we could chew.” Ned flashed his fangs again. “That’s a little vampire joke, right?”
Vince hesitated. “Um...yeah.”
“Your dad learned from our mistake, so he went and recruited a monster hunter, Reginald Rath. Rath tried to kill me, put me out of my misery. He staked me in the wrong spot, and I’m still here.”
As if. “My dad would never miss.”
“Your dad?”
“My dad. Reginald Rath, vampire slayer.”
“That explains a whole lot of this conversation,” said Ned.
I bristled.
Vince spoke before I could get any words out. “Why did you want to see me?”
“I didn’t want to see you!” Ned lowered his voice when a bunch of diners swiveled toward us. “I mean, I wanted to see you, Vince, to know what you looked like, to see Charlie and Nicole, but you know, I didn’t want to make any trouble. I get lonely sometimes. It’s been twenty years and I still look exactly the same.”
If he hadn’t slandered my dad, I might have felt some sympathy for Ned. However, vampires were good at manipulating emotions. Maybe Ned knew more about how to use his abilities than I thought.
“Have you ever thought about living forever?”
I stood up, my backpack tumbling to the floor. “He has not! You can’t recruit Vince! He doesn’t have the time of day for your kind!”
“I’m talking to Vince, not you!” The snarl in Ned’s voice was the cranky wolfish growl vampires are known for when they are hacked off.
The waitress headed in our direction. “Everything okay here?”
“Yeah,” Vince said. “Just a little disagreement. We’re okay.”
“You kids go home,” said the waitress, annoyed. “You’ve been here long enough.”
Ned did something very eerie. “We’re not leaving,” he said in his growly voice. “Abby and Vince need refills.”
She walked back to the counter intent on our order.
“That wasn’t cool,” I said.
“Cut me a little slack, Abby,” said Ned. “You’ll never see me again. And my question to Vince wasn’t an offer. I wanted you to think about it, what it’s like.”
“The problem,” Vince said, “is that Abby and I are monster hunters, and you’ve brought yourself to our attention.”
Ned paused. “You too? That’s too bad. You can’t build a career around what the woman you love does, Vince. You’ve got to follow your own interests and make your own destiny.”
“What?” said Vince, blushing. “No! It’s not like that.”
“Abby, you want to kill me?” Ned coiled like a spring.
I nodded. “It’s nothing personal. We’re sure that once you’re staked, you’ll appreciate us saving your soul from eternal torment.”
Vince’s voice was stiff. “I hope to heaven I could figure out who needed killing and who didn’t.”
I lowered my voice. “Vince, we agreed…”
“We didn’t agree to anything. You’re the one who’s been talking about heads and coffins. I wanted you along in case things went bad, but Ned, he seems harmless enough.”
Vince was a nut. I’d have to have Dad talk to him, explain what undeath was like. Not everyone was Mr. Christopher. “You are crazy! Let me show you.” I pulled my crucifix out of