Anna's Secret

knew, in that deepest darkest place, she would succumb again to his charm given the opportunity.
Spread across her bed, Anna cried out, “God, please forgive me. I’ve failed miserably, but you understand how lonely my life has been. Not only recently, but through all the years Steven cut me off as his wife. Surely you know how many sacrifices I’ve made for the well-being of others? That must count for something? Please, make this go away. Make these feelings go away. I’ll keep my distance from Matt, I promise.”
Her cry for forgiveness felt incomplete, yet she rose from her bed and wiped the tears from her cheeks. She made her way to the kitchen fully aware she should eat but couldn’t. Donning her running shoes, she slammed the door on the way out. She hit the pavement and powered down the street.
Beginning to feel like a stalker, Matt banged on her front door once again. “Come on Anna, I know you’re home. We need to talk.” He waited. Nothing.
He slid the box of chocolates onto her porch swing and made his way back to his Mercedes. The car shook as he slammed the door shut and turned the key. Adele’s haunting voice filled the car with music.
With a smash of his fist on the dashboard, he flicked the radio off. The last thing he needed was to hear the crooning about unrequited love.
Tears stung behind his eyelids as a knot gathered in his throat. He cursed under his breath and backed out of her drive.
He headed to his office, thankful he had work to distract him.
His bang on the door made her heart jump and her skin tingle. She missed his dimpled smile, his conversation, friendship, but who was she kidding, she missed a whole lot more. The memory of his gentle touch thrummed. Hungry lips and soft caresses turned needy—her need.
She fanned the heat from her cheeks longing to swing the door wide open. It took every ounce of strength she had to stop that urge. Her body shook with visceral disappointment, and her hand trembled on the curtain she pulled slightly back. To feast her eyes on his slumped shoulders and bent head brought instant tears to her eyes.
Anna filled her days to capacity. She didn’t try to analyze if it was a form of self-inflicted penance or the need to forget. She joined the choir at church, donated time at the soup kitchen, and volunteered at Pine Mountain Senior’s Villa.
“Anna, come here.” The head nurse, Sophia, waved her into the office. “We’ve been impressed with your knowledge base and the kind way you care for the elderly. What’s your background in caregiving?”
“Well …” she stammered. “I’ve raised two boys and my husband was sick with cancer for many years. I guess I learned a lot taking care of him.”
Sophia nodded. “Ahhh … the school of hard knocks.” Her face softened. “You know Anna, we’re always in need of compassionate and capable people. You should think about enrolling in the next nurse’s aid program. Then we could pay you for your time.”
Anna’s heart did a leap. “Do you think I’d be good at it? I could really use the job.”
“You’re a natural. I guarantee it. In fact, we need help in the kitchen immediately, if you want to start there. And then when your training is done, we’ll switch you over.”
Anna couldn’t believe it. She had a job. A smile of confidence split across her face.
As Anna wiped down the trays, one of her favorite residents waved her over. “I’ll be right there, Rita. I just have to take these trays to the kitchen.”
She struggled with a heavy stack to speed up the process, because she loved talking to Rita. Most of the residents wanted to be cheered up or doted on, but Rita was different. Instead of taking, she did the giving. They talked about Steven, the boys, or anything Anna cared to share. She found the gift of encouragement wrapped in this dear, old soul and naturally gravitated to her. Rita’s kindness and wisdom helped Anna renew her belief in a God who cared about the details of life. She slid the precarious load on the counter and hurried to join her new friend.
Rita pointed to the bench across from her wheelchair. Anna settled in, expecting a good chat, but Rita scooted her wheel chair directly in front of her and reached out shaky fingers.
Anna bent forward so she could grasp Rita’s outstretched hands and gently massaged the blue veins that traced their way under paper-thin skin. For a moment neither spoke.
“My dear.”
Anna lifted her head to look squarely into Rita’s faded blue eyes. Rita didn’t sport her usual smile, instead a seriousness permeated her face. She briefly looked up and muttered, “Yes,” before her gaze returned to Rita’s hands.
“My dear, I have to ask. You wear a smile, but the Spirit reveals something more.”
Anna shifted on the bench. Rita’s words were as if God himself carried out an inquisition.
“Your sadness is more than just the passing of your husband, yes?”
Her heart began to pound. Surely God doesn’t expect me to reveal my secret.
That still small voice spoke clearly. “Yes, I do, because you carry guilt you aren’t meant to carry.”
I’m so ashamed Father. The way I’ve treated Matt when I was the one to encourage him.
Anna looked down, away from the set of kindly eyes that bore into her soul, as Rita waited in silence. The thrum of her heart picked up pace and began to beat an erratic rhythm, one she felt the whole room could hear.
“The Spirit of God laid a message on my heart,” Rita said. “It makes no sense to me, but I know from years of experience, it’ll make sense to you.” She squeezed Anna’s hands.
“God wants you to know you’re forgiven, but you’re not to make excuses before him!”
How can Rita know I had made excuses before God?
“Come closer, my child.