Anna's Secret

too much to lose. Like leaves in the wind drifting in erratic directions, fear danced upon her troubled soul.
The ping of a message interrupted Anna’s studies. She shut her textbook and searched for the phone beneath her papers. The last person she wanted to face popped up on the screen.
Drat, Lana! No, I don’t want you to stop over. She dropped her phone in a huff. It scuttled across the table and dropped onto the kitchen floor. Why do you always think you can barge in?
Anna knew better than to dissuade her, because then she would truly suspect something was wrong and call Matt again.
Anna picked up her phone and read her sister’s message.
“Worried about you, Sis. Popping over for a quick tea.”
Memories flooded in. Lana, her fraternal twin—first into this world by a whole four minutes—had instinctively taken on the role of Anna’s protector. When their parents died and two different aunts planned to separate them, Lana stepped in with fury and insisted they stay together. There was no way she was about to allow anyone or anything to come between them. They’d always been close, even though they were polar opposites. Where Anna was laidback and au natural, Lana was driven and well put together. Anna was quiet, tall, and willowy—Lana was the life of the party, short, and pleasantly plump. Where Anna loved to run, Lana would joke about hating all four-letter words that contained any type of activity such as walk, swim, bike, or hike.
As the phone screen faded black, Anna’s mind returned to her present situation. There was no point in stewing. Lana never failed to hone in when Anna hurt. That sensory honing device was not about to stop now. She would have to pretend that life in her tormented world was okay.
Though they had shared everything over the years, this secret was different—it involved sin and failure. She knew her sister would be deeply disappointed, especially so soon after Steven’s death.
No. I won’t, I can’t, reveal my shame to anyone.
She formulated a plan to use her grief card to get her sister in and out as quickly as possible.
Lana’s rapid knock signaled her arrival. She entered on her own accord, as she usually did. The clip, clip, clip of high heels on the hardwood irritated the heck out of Anna. Why couldn’t she take her shoes off like everyone else, but no, she had to wear those blasted heels 24/7. Anna couldn’t remember the last time she saw her sister in bare feet or flip-flops.
“I’m here.”
Anna shut her eyes and took a deep breath. “In the kitchen, Lana.”
Perched on a bar stool at the kitchen island, she lifted her fork from a half-eaten plate of food. The last thing Anna wanted was another sermon on the need to eat more from a sister who loved food way too much. She hoped her strategically placed meal would still Lana’s tongue.
“There you are, dear Sis. I thought maybe you’d gone into hiding.” She gave a quick squeeze of her hand on Anna’s shoulder and slid onto the stool across from her.
“So, you’ve actually made a decent meal for yourself and eaten half, or is this a set-up?”
Anna gulped her glass of water, as a piece of chicken got trapped in her throat. She hated her sister’s perceptiveness.
Anna threw up her hands. “You got me there.”
“Have I been that much of a nag that you’ve resorted to trickery?”
“Actually, yes. You give me the same sermon every time you visit.”
Lana stood, crossing her arms in front of her chest. “It’s only because I care. You’ve been through so much, and I feel helpless.”
She plopped back on the stool. “My life’s been a cakewalk compared to yours. I have a great job, a happy marriage, two wonderful kids, and, quite honestly, it makes me feel … guilty. Like something happened in the womb that created this huge imbalance where I got the happy and you got the sad—”
“Ahh … you just don’t like the fact you can’t control my destiny.” Anna forced a laugh, trying to lighten the somber mood. “Remember, Sis, there is a God, and you’re not him!”
Lana didn’t even break a smile.
“Is there something you’re not telling me?”
Anna dropped her eyes and pushed the food around on her plate.
“Do you need help financially?”
Anna shook her head.
“You know that Tom and I are here for you, don’t you? Please, tell me what to do.” She reached over and placed her beautifully manicured hand on Anna’s arm.
Anna could barely resist the urge to open up. She pierced her lips tight and took a deep breath to get that impulse under control. She cleared her throat and marveled at the fact she could lie so valiantly. “Lana, I’m a grieving widow. What I need is time.”
Her sister nodded in agreement. “Have all the time it takes, but I’m not going to stop reminding you that I care.”
“I know you care, but you’ve got to stop smothering me. I need a little room to breathe, to cry when I need to …” Anna’s voice broke.
Lana covered the short distance between them and wrapped her arms around tight.
“You know that I’m not all that good at this affection thing … that’s your gig, but I really love you and I want to help.”
Anna nodded. “I know, I know.”
The lies and secrecy grew weightier.
With the sheets twisted around her, Anna punched the pillow down and flipped it over. A war of thoughts battled. Never in her wildest imaginings would she have thought she would consider abortion. But now, compassion welled up within her for every woman in her predicament, and she realized how logical terminating a pregnancy could seem.
In the next moment, she would imagine the feel of a newborn held protectively in her arms—one with Matt’s gorgeous blue eyes and laughing dimple. An ache so deep would steal her breath away.
Back and forth. Back and forth. The two scenarios battled.
Rather than count sheep, she presented her