Anna's Secret

started. Betty was only too happy to help out financially. Anna tried to refuse, but Betty insisted that Steven would have wanted both a restful pregnancy for Anna and a healthy baby. Anna had little recourse but to give in.
Guilt and sadness enveloped, and like a whirlpool she felt sucked into a vortex. Deep. Dark. Deadly. Who had she become? Where had that honest, dependable girl gone, the one who could sleep like a baby and had peace in her heart despite the hardships of life?
Anna tossed about and flipped restlessly from one side of the bed to the other.
The nights were the worst, and Steven wasn’t the one in her bed or her head. Memories of Matt and the pleasure that followed haunted the hallways of her mind.
After punching down her pillow and rearranging her covers, she stared at the shadows cast from the street light through her window. She tried to distract her troubled spirit by counting the light beams streaming through the slats of her valance. When that didn’t work she closed her eyes in hopes that counting imaginary sheep would help. Instead, another gnawing Bible verse came to mind.
My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.
Groaning into her pillow, Anna cried. Great wrenching sobs shuddered through her body as she curled into a tight ball.
“God,” she whispered, “I didn’t set out to live this lie, it found me.”
I know my child, but it’s still a lie. The truth will set you free.

Somehow life went on for Anna, though she wanted to rage at the injustice or excuse the sin or turn the world off. Yet the sun rose in the east and set in the west. One day melted into the next, and her baby grew.
She had always loved late spring into the first blush of summer before the heat intensified. Cool mornings and evenings with sun-drenched afternoons made every living plant thrive. Flowers bloomed, birds fed their little ones, and life exuded hope, but not this year. Loneliness set in with a depression that skirted the edges of her mind.
Her sons hadn’t come home in April when university finished. They stayed to work at summer jobs in Victoria. She missed their company but tried not to feel sorry for herself. Both of them had serious girlfriends, and they longed to be close to the ones they loved. She remembered that season of her life all too well, but it intensified her loneliness.
Time was up. She had to tell the boys about the baby, so she set out on a road trip for the Island to tell them in person. Normally, she would’ve prayed for a safe trip through the steep, windy mountains. She ignored that habit, feeling shame, hypocrisy, and distance—all of her own making. Although she expected to white knuckle it through the high elevations with a mixture of rain, sleet, and fog, the sun shone. Visibility remained bright and beautiful. When she reached the town of Hope, she breathed a sigh of relief. The worst stretch of highway, which dropped a full kilometer in elevation over a mere fifty miles, was behind her. Without thinking, she thanked God as she would have so many times before. Instant angst filled her heart. The easy relationship they had shared was gone.
When Anna got together with her sons and shared she was pregnant, they never questioned who the father was. Anna didn’t have to voice the lie, she merely had to insinuate and perpetuate one. Somehow that didn’t ease her unrest. A part of her wished that someone would question her, stretch her, make her face the truth—no one did. Her good-girl persona remained unchallenged.
Jason spoke first. “Would’ve never guessed this news in a million years. I’m shocked, but I’m coming home, that’s for sure. I’m not leaving you alone at a time like this.”
Anna had expected this kind of response from her gentle-spirited Jason.
“No, Jason. I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I don’t want you boys to change a thing. Your life, your jobs, your girlfriends are all here and I’m busy with my course and my job. I keep my days full,” she said with a firmness she never thought she could muster up.
“But, Mom—”
“No buts, Jason.”
Jason turned to his brother for support. “Come on, Mark, help me out here. I know you can’t leave Victoria, being you need the money for your last year of school, but I can take a year off and pick up where I left off later.”
Mark frowned and rubbed his hand behind his neck.
Anna could tell that for her practical, level-headed son, an unplanned pregnancy would be unheard of. He kept his world perfectly ordered with a rigidness that screamed out the damage from his childhood. His dad’s illness and death had been something he couldn’t control but everything he could manage, he did down to the last jot and tittle.
“Mom, how can this be? Dad was so sick, and didn’t you two ever do anything permanent to ensure that this wouldn’t happen … with Dad’s poor health, and all?”
Anna squirmed in her seat and felt heat swallow her face. She didn’t lie, she merely told part of the truth.
“Your father and I were told years ago he couldn’t have more children. That the drugs he used and the treatments he had made that impossible.”
Mark shook his head. “I don’t understand how God could let this happen to you now, when you have no help and are getting old ... er.” He rose to his feet abruptly. His hands tightened into fists, and he paced back and forth like a caged jaguar.
“Mark, don’t blame God. Please. He hasn’t failed me yet, and he won’t now.” Her words sounded weak, even to her ears. She knew them to be true, but she also knew that she wasn’t exactly asking God for help.
“Ah, Mom, I can’t bear to see you go through more.” In a rare moment of tenderness, Mark