Anna's Secret

I need to stay away.
Besides, I’ve spent my life away from the entanglement of emotion. My parents cured me of that.
All his self-talk did little to convince his heart. An ache settled in.

Anna flipped through a stack of funeral bills and slammed them down on the counter. They scattered and some fell to the floor. How am I going to pay for these? I’m going to have to endure the embarrassment of asking Steven’s parents yet again. She sighed, stooped over and picked up the mail. She knew she should be thankful for their generosity but at the same time struggled with disappointment. Could thankfulness and anger toward God coexist?
Anna plunked herself down at the computer determined to draft up a résumé, but what did she have to offer? She snapped her laptop closed and stared off into space.
The only good thing she had accomplished in the past month was to visit the therapist Matt had suggested.
The thought of him brought a peculiar disappointment, one she dared not dissect. She slid the card with his phone number across the counter and picked it up once more. She had not given into the urge to call, but his absence in the past weeks had unsettled her.
What a fool to buy into the notion of friendship. He has better things to do and was only being kind.
Anna tried to pray, determined to put the good-looking doctor and her worries to rest, but she felt like her words bounced off the ceiling right back to her. Giant tears rolled down her cheeks.
The doorbell broke through her abysmal gloom. She brushed the wet from her cheeks and forced herself off the stool. If it was another casserole from the church ladies, she didn’t know if she’d have the strength to nod her way through their platitudes and hear yet another, “God knows best,” or “it’s so good Steven’s suffering is over.”
What about her suffering? Macaroni and cheese casseroles did nothing to address that.
Or worse yet, it could be her twin sister, Lana. It was getting harder and harder to listen to her preach about the need to eat properly and return to the world instead of live in isolation. What did Lana and her charmed life know about misery anyway? How could she possibly relate with her high-paying job, perfect husband, and awesome kids?
Anna pasted on a cardboard smile and opened the door. “Matt! Oh, I’m so glad it’s you. As nice as it is to have people care, I can only eat so many casseroles. I dreaded having to feign thankfulness for yet another one.” She attempted a chuckle, but it fell flat.
“Can I come in?”
She waved him in. “Sorry, I’ve forgotten my manners. I’ve been less than hospitable lately.”
“Your sister called me and is concerned about you.” A frown puckered his brow. “You don’t look like you’ve eaten any of those casseroles. Have you lost more weight?”
Anna bit at her lower lip. “It’s all the jogging. Your friend, Dr. Jenkins, told me that people do more of what they always did to combat stress. For me, it’s always been running. So, I run.”
As he opened his mouth to speak, she cut him short. “And I don’t need another lecture on exercising too much. Lana has already given me that one, just yesterday in fact.” Both hands flew into the air. “And she has no right calling you, either.
“Besides, Dr. Jenkins assured me that I’d work my way through this phase and suggested I eat more … trouble is, I have no appetite.” Her sentences ran together in rapid succession as she tried to make light of the situation. “Most of the ladies at church tell me they’d love to have my energy and not have to work off extra pounds. They call me the ‘Energizer Bunny.’” Her forced laugh sounded phony even to her ears.
He didn’t laugh, or even smile. Instead, concern deepened the furrows on his forehead.
“Have you had supper?”
“No, but I went for a run.”
“Anna, your health is not something to joke about.”
She turned from his intense stare.
“What does it matter? You don’t have time to worry about every widow that comes your way.” Embarrassed that her thoughts of the past month tumbled out, she turned and headed for the kitchen. She felt a headache press in. Her fingers massaged both temples.
She needed a diversion. “Would you like some coffee?”
“Anna, I’ve been a part of your family’s life for years now.” He put his hand on her shoulder and gently turned her back to face him. “That’s why your sister thought to call me. She’s worried about you.
“And you’re right. I don’t have the time I would like to spend with everyone. I wish I did. But with you … it’s different. Right from the beginning, both you and Steven became more. His tone gentled. “I … I care. It’s why I’m here.”
His kind words drew her gaze from the floor. Genuine compassion flowed from his startling blue eyes.
He warmed her with a smile, which set the dimple on his cheek in place and accented his all too handsome features. Anna took in every detail. The strength of his six-foot-plus frame, the chisel of his well-defined facial features, the way his wide shoulders tapered—to perfection. Awareness coursed through the look that passed between them far outside the boundaries of friendship.
He touched her arm tenderly. Heat seared through straight to the bone. A current of raw emotion she hadn’t felt in a very long time rippled up her spine. Her breath caught, and she forgot to breathe.
Their eyes locked. Unable to face the intensity, she blinked and stepped back. The dishcloth seized her focus as she wiped at an imaginary stain on the unused counter.
“Dr. Carmichael—” she sputtered, not sure how to respond to the emotion that danced between them.
“Back to Dr. Carmichael again? Do you call all your friends by their last name?”
“You’ve been Dr. Carmichael for—”
“Way too long. Now, what’s it going to be? Italian? Thai? Steak?