The Dog Squad

do with a slipper.”
She slaps the slipper on her hand.
I am still worrying whether Mrs. Welkin has got the right weapon, but I can see she is ready for battle.
She puts her arm around me.
We’re totally together as we head off to war.
One minute later, I’m in position (outside the thieves’ front door on the other side of the wall).
I look back at Mrs. Welkin. It’s starting to get dark now, but the moon is out and I can see she is in her battle position.
Standing on the trampoline, beside the tree house tree, she is holding up the slipper and she’s as still as a statue in the moonlight.
In front of her, on our garden wall, she’s spread out tuna fish sandwiches.
There is a cat chomping on each one.
“Are the cats ready?” I call.
“Oh,” says Mrs. Welkin. “The Cat Squad is ready.”
“And are YOU ready?”
“I was BORN ready,” says Mrs. Welkin, and she slaps her own hand. SLAP.
I figure she’s ready.

CHAPTER TWELVE Let Battle Commence!
I count.
One unicorn, two unicorns, three unicorns, then . . .
I FLING the piccalilli, as hard as I can, against the thieves’ window.
C
    R
        A
            S
                H.
One second later, most of the window’s gone and Dale’s face is looking out of what’s left of it.
I dodge down behind Brendan’s wall. I’m just in time.
But behind me . . . Shaza appears with Bizmo.
“Is someone there?” calls Shaza.
“Come here if you dare!” calls Mrs. Welkin.
“Bizmo,” says Shaza, “GET HER!”
Five seconds later, I peek over the fence.
Bizmo is chasing the cats over the wall.
“You dirty THIEF!” roars Mrs. Welkin in a bloodcurdling scream.
Shaza looks for Mrs. Welkin in the darkness.
“You scabby old WITCH!” she yells.
She charges.
But she hasn’t seen the skateboard. She steps on it, then hits the floor with a SMACK.
I want to see more of the action, but I can’t.
I dodge inside Shaza’s.
As I hurry to the cellar I notice someone has closed the latch again.
Dale sees me as I’m about to open it.
“You’re too late!” I warn him. I yank open the door and release an EXPLOSION of dogs.
There’s a whippet, then a greyhound, then a big St. Bernard.
Dale is petrified to see that group. He LEAPS through the kitchen window.
I peek into the cellar in time to see Ed Sheeran and Nicki Minaj, followed by Cat, and, bringing up the rear, like the brave dog he is . . . Captain Wilkins Welkin.
We head down the hall to the open front door. Half the dogs have escaped. We’re about to.
But now the battle turns . . .
Bizmo appears.
The Dog Squad halts.
“Dogs!” I call. “Cat! Come back!”
Cat leads the way. She springs into the bedroom. She’s followed by the terriers and Wilkins. I’m the last. I dodge through just in time.
Bizmo hits the door as I slam it shut.
BANG.
Inside the room, Cat dodges over to the window. She pulls a blind out of the way. She tries to pull open the window.
But it’s stuck.
I move over to help. And at that moment Bizmo gets the door open.
He can see there’re two people and three dogs in the room. He also sees those dogs are small ones that he can CRUSH.
But what he doesn’t know is that one of those small dogs is Wilkins Welkin.
And as Mrs. Welkin often says: Wilkins is from a long line of West Kerry dogs who are FAMOUS because they NEVER back down in a fight. And he does NOT back down now.
As Bizmo pounces, Wilkins springs UP.
And there’s an advantage to being small . . . The small dog gets to the neck quicker!
Wilkins bites.
Bizmo SHAKES.
Wilkins then HITS the floor.
Bizmo SPRINGS for him.
Wilkins commando rolls away from trouble.
Then he makes a Tactical Retreat under the bed.
The next bit is classic Guerrilla Warfare.
Bizmo tries to shove his big head under the bed, but he can’t reach the small dogs. BOOM! Nicki Minaj hits from the side! (Attack from the Flanks!) She bites. She hides. Then . . . BOOM! Ed Sheeran hits from the other flank. Sheeran bites. Sheeran goes WILD! Sheeran hides.
Cat grins. The whole plan is working brilliantly!
It’s like this . . .
. . . but then the battle turns again, as the enemy’s fiercest fighter enters the field . . .
Shaza. She’s holding the skateboard like a club. She looks at Bizmo being wasted by the terriers. (Ed Sheeran’s gone BERSERK! He’s got Bizmo by the ears and he’s shake-shake-shaking!!)
Shaza thwacks Bizmo.
“Get him!” she shouts, and she points the dog at me.
But I’m ready for him. While the Dog Squad have been doing their Guerrilla Warfare, I’ve been Looting and Pillaging, and I’ve now got the weapon that all dogs most fear . . .
. . . the VACUUM CLEANER!!!
And as Bizmo comes for me I turn it on and I BLAST HIM!!!
Oh my God, he LEAPS backward! In no time at all the enemy is in a Full-Scale Retreat. It’s like this . . .
But Shaza swerves past Bizmo.
She then lifts the skateboard. She’s about to smash it down on my head.
I don’t know what to do. I turn off the vacuum cleaner for a start.
But then Captain Welkin turns.
Has he heard something? He has definitely seen something. He has definitely seen his chance. (You might even say he’s been training for this all his life!!)
Wilkins runs. He leaps onto the bed.
He SOARS through the air.
Then he grabs the thing he saw, which was . . .
A BLIND over the window!!!
Wilkins knows what to do with blinds. He GRABS it in his mouth, and he falls to the windowsill, going rrrrr-rrrrr-rrrr.
And it’s one of those moments when you think there must actually be a god!
As Wilkins releases the blind I see what is almost his worst nightmare: