The Prickly Battle

with sand.
Then he sat back on his haunches. “Oh dear. It never occurred to me, but this hair might take ten or twenty years to grow. If it ever grows at all, I mean–”
VORT!
A cloud of solid darkness exploded from the sand and, in an instant, a monstrous hairy tuft grew. It expanded into a black shrub and swallowed up the cactus jackal beside it.
Cainus gaped as the thing jumped out of the sand and hovered in the air. It narrowed itself into a sort of sausage shape, then darted forwards, backwards, and looped around and about. As it moved, wicked spikes sprouted along its length.
Then it headed straight for Cainus.
“Yaargh!” he shrieked as the flying hair-cactus wrapped itself around his neck. Now it was Cainus’s turn to choke, as the thing pulled tight.
SCRAWP!
The thing ripped the head off Cainus’s elephant disguise, revealing his patchy jackal face for all to see.
This spectacle was enough to finally attract the attention of the Animal Mummies. Those nearby stared, aghast, as they recognised their enemy of old.
GROMP.
The hair-cactus planted itself into Cainus’s chin. It hung there, forming a spiky beard.
BLUNGGG!
Two rings materialised around the beard, binding its hairs. Unlike the golden shen rings that had bound the original Pharaoh’s Beard, these rings were dark and smoky-looking.
Cainus sat for a moment, taking stock of what had just happened. He went to stroke his new beard, then yelped as its thorns pricked his paw.
Then he grinned. The crowd of Animal Mummies around him began to grow. Cainus snarled at them.
Celeste the Cat Mummy was among the crowd. Her whiskers bristled. “Mm-wrowww!” she meowed. “Cainus the Jackal!?”
“The very same,” said Cainus, waggling his Beard, “though you shall address me by my proper title – Pharaoh.”
Plomf. Celeste fainted dead away.

Cainus wriggled out of his elephant suit. He pranced to the centre of the town square, his confidence level cranked up to “Pharaoh”.
“This is most pleasing,” he announced to the cowering townsfolk. “After four thousand years, I finally have the respect I deserve. I possess the city I have ached for. Mumphis, you are mine. All mine! The shops, the fashion, the lifestyle! The dreaded Bab Sharkey and his unfashionable T-shirts are gone, and the Pharaoh’s Beard is mine. It’s back, and you Animal Mummies must serve me! Now, bow!”
The Animal Mummies remained still, though many of them trembled in alarm.
“I said bow! Bow before your gorgeous, popular Pharaoh! Bowww nowww!”
Again, the mummies failed to obey. “Perhaps you meant ‘bow-wow’?” suggested Methput the Goat Mummy. “That’s what jackals say, isn’t it?”
Cainus growled. “Perhaps this new beard works differently,” he mused. “No matter! I bet I can still turn it into any shape I desire. Beard, form a magnificent cape, with a high collar and a–”
But before Cainus could complete his command, there was a great WHOOSH-ROSH! The thorny beard ballooned into the shape of a hideous human head with a cobra crown. Black spikes jutted out all over the head, and it turned to regard Cainus.
He choked as he recognised the hairy face. “Your . . . Your Majesty? I think you forgot to mention this bit of your plan.”
“Yessss, Cainussss,” the hairy head hissed. For it was indeed the head of the Unpharaoh – only it was made entirely of black and grey hairs, and bristling with spikes and horns. The only colour in the head was its eyes, which blazed scarlet, and were shaped like the eyes of a serpent. The roots of the hideous beard were still buried in Cainus’s chin.
“And so I return to my city,” said the beard in the Unpharaoh’s unmistakable croak. “I tried to come back as a living mummy. I tried coming back as a giant moth. But this time, there is no Bab Sharkey to stop me. This time, I shall stay forever . . . in the form of the Unpharaoh’s Beard!”
The beard, possessed by the spirit of the Unpharaoh, turned to face the Animal Mummies. She hissed at them and waggled a hairy, spiked tongue. The poor creatures wailed and clapped paws over their eyes to block out the appalling sight.
The Unpharaoh Beard morphed into a spiky paddle. It delivered a series of terrible whacks to the nearest Animal Mummies, who howled in agony. The Beard turned back into the horrid head of the Unpharaoh.
Cainus whimpered. “So, I . . . I don’t get to command the Beard?” he asked, downcast.
“Of course not, Cainus,” the Unpharaoh Beard replied. “But I do. Indeed, it appears I can shape this beard simply by thinking.”
“But I’m wearing it,” Cainus objected. “Why don’t I get to be in charge? It should be me. Me, me, MEEEE!”
Everyone stared at him in silence for a moment.
Cainus gulped. “My apologies,” he continued in a calmer tone. “I felt the most peculiar rush of anger flowing into my head. I think it came through the Beard! I don’t suppose it was your anger, by any chance, Your Angriness?”
“Stop moaning, hound!” the Unpharaoh Beard snapped. “Did you really expect that spare hair you found to grow into a nice, well-behaved Pharaoh’s Beard, exactly like the old one? That hair had been stewing in the very centre of my mummy, you fool. It soaked up the darkest essence of my eternal spirit. This beard is me!”
“I see,” Cainus replied warily. “This beard also soaked up a cactus, by the way. I’m pretty sure he was one of my chief henchmen, poor fellow.”
“A cactus?” The Unpharaoh Beard chuckled. “I thought I was feeling deliciously spiky. Hoo-haaachh, this is a supremely despicable beard, then, worthy of my greatness. But now for the real tessst.”
The hairy Unpharaoh head rose up and bellowed at the cowering crowd. “Animal Mummies! Kneel before your Unpharaoh!”
FLUMP!
As one, the crowd of misshapen mummies fell to their knees. They could not help but obey the ancient power of the Unpharaoh Beard.
“Yesss!” the hairy head hissed at them. “Once again, I am your true Pharaoh. Your number one!”
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