Tales of the Black Widowers

"After he's dead," said Drake briefly.
"I think he's planning to fake death, sell the collection for a million dollars, then come back to life and continue writing under a pseudonym."
At this point, Klein made his way back on the merry-go-round. "I met a fellow yesterday," he said, "who collects matchbooks."
"I collected matchbooks when I was a kid," said Gon-zalo. "I used to go searching all the curbs and alleys
for-"
But Trumbull, who had been eating in unwonted silence, suddenly raised his voice to a shout. "God damn it, you bunch of hack talkers, our guest has said something. Mr.-uh-Klein, what was that you said?"
Klein looked startled. "I said I met a fellow yesterday who collects matchbooks."
"That could be interesting," said Halsted agreeably,
"if-"
"Shut up," roared Trumbull. "I want to hear about this." His creased, bronzed face turned to Klein. "What's the guy's name? The collector."
"I'm not sure I remember," said Klein. "I just met him at lunch yesterday; never saw him before that. There were six of us at the table, and he got to talking about his matchbooks. Listen, I thought he was crazy at first, but by the time he got through, I decided to start a collection of my own."
"Did he have grayish sideburns, with a little red in it?"
asked Trumbull.
"Why, yes, as a matter of fact. Do you know him?" "Umm," said Trumbull. "Hey, Manny, I know you're the host, and I don't want to overstep your prerogatives…"
"But you're going to," said Rubin. "Is that it?" "No, I'm not, damn it," said Trumbull hotly. "I'm asking your permission. I would like to have our guest tell us all about his lunch yesterday with this matchbook collector."
Rubin said, "You mean instead of his being put on the grill? We never put anyone on the grill any more!" "This could be important."
Rubin thought about it, with a look of some dissatisfaction on his face, then said, "Okay, but after the dessert… What have we got for dessert today, Henry?"
"Zabaglione, sir, to go with the Italian motif of tonight's meal."
"Calories, calories," groaned Avalon softly.
Halsted's teaspoon clinked as he stirred the sugar in his coffee and elaborately ignored Rubin's flat ukase that anyone who added anything at all to good coffee was a barbarian. He said, "Do we humor Tom now and get our guest to tell us about matchbooks?"
Klein looked about the table and said with a small laugh, "I'm willing to do it, but I don't know that it's interesting-"
"I say it's interesting," said Trumbull.
"All right. I won't fight it. I started the whole thing, as a matter of fact. We were at the Cock and Bull on Fifty-third Street-"
"Jane insisted on eating there one time because of the name," said Rubin. "Not so hot."
Trumbull said, "I'll strangle you, Manny. What's all this talk about your wife today? If you miss her, go home."
"You're the only one I know, Tom, who would make any man miss any wife."
"Please go on, Mr. Klein," said Trumbull.
Klein began again. "Okay. I started it, as I said, by lighting a cigarette, while we were waiting for the menu, and then getting uncomfortable about it. I don't know how it is, but it seems there's a lot less smoking at meals these days. At this table, for instance, Mr. Drake is the only one smoking. I guess he doesn't mind-"
"I don't," muttered Drake.
"I did, though, so after a few puffs I stubbed out the cigarette. Only I was embarrassed, so I fiddled with the matchbook I had lit the cigarette with; you know, the ones restaurants always supply at every table."
"Advertising themselves," said Drake. "Yes."
"And this fellow… I have his name now-Ottiwell. I don't know his first name."
"Frederick," growled Trumbull, with glum satisfaction. "Then you do know him." "I do know him. But go on."
"I was still holding the matchbook in my hand, and Ottiwell reached for it and asked if he could see it. So I passed it to him. He looked at it and he said something like 'Moderately interesting. Not particularly imaginative in design. I've got it.' Or something like that. I don't remember the exact words."
Halsted said reflectively, "That's an interesting point, Mr. Klein. At least you know you don't remember the exact words. In all these first-person narratives, the fellow telling the story always remembers every word everyone has said, and in the right order. It never carries conviction with me."
"It's just a convention," said Avalon seriously as he sipped at his coffee, "but I admit third-person is more convenient. When you use first-person, you know that the narrator will survive all the deadly perils into which he
will be-"
"I wrote a first-person narrative once," said Rubin,
"in which the narrator dies."
"That happens in the western song, 'El Paso,' too,"
said Gonzalo.
"In 'The Murder of Roger'-" began Avalon.
And Trumbull rose and banged his fist on the table. "So help me, you bunch of idiots, I will kill the next guy who talks. Don't you believe me when I tell you this thing is important?… Go on, Mr. Klein."
Klein looked more than a little uncomfortable. "I don't see its importance myself, Mr. Trumbull. There's not even much to it. This Ottiwell took to telling us about matchbooks. Apparently, there's a whole thing about it to people who are involved in it. There are all kinds of factors that increase the value: not only beauty and rarity but also whether the matches are intact and whether the friction strip is unmarked. He talked about difference in design, in location of the friction strip, in type and quantity of printing, whether the inside of the cover is blank or not, and so on. He went on and on, and that's about it.
Except that he made it sound so interesting it captured me, as I said."
"Did he invite you to visit his place and see his collection?"
"No," said Klein, "he didn't."
"I've been there," said Trumbull, and having said that, he sat back in his chair with a look of deepest dissatisfaction covering it thickly.
There was a silence and, as Henry distributed the small brandy glasses, Avalon said, with a touch of annoyance, "If the threat of murder has been lifted, Tom, may I ask what the collector's place was like?"
Trumbull seemed to return, as from a distance. "What? Oh… It's weird. He started collecting when he was a kid. For all I know he got his first samples out of gutters and alleys like Gonzalo did, but at some point it turned serious.
"He's a bachelor. He doesn't work. He doesn't have to. He's inherited some money and has invested shrewdly, so all he lives for are those damned matchbooks. I think they own his house and keep him on as a caretaker.
"He's got exhibits of prize items on the wall; framed, if you please. He's got them in folders and cases, everywhere. His whole basement is given over to filing cabinets in which they're catalogued by type and alphabet. You wouldn't believe how many tens of thousands of different matchbooks have been manufactured the world over, with how many different legends, and with how many different peculiarities, and I think he's got them all.
"He's got skinny matchbooks that hold two matches apiece; some as long as your arm that hold a hundred and fifty. He's got matches shaped like beer bottles, others shaped like baseball bats or bowling pins. He's got blank matchbooks with nothing on the cover; he's got match-books with musical scores on them. Damn it, he's got a whole folder of pornographic matchbooks."
"That I'd like to see," said Gonzalo.
"Why?" said Trumbull. "It's the same stuff you can see anywhere else, except that on a matchbook it's handier to burn and get rid of."
"You've got the soul of a censor," said Gonzalo. "I prefer the real thing," said Trumbull. "Maybe at one time you could," said Gonzalo. "What do you want to do? Play verbal ping-pong? We have something serious under discussion."