Tell No One

"I told Elizabeth 's mother I'd stop by," I said.
"Ah, Beck…" She was about to argue but caught herself. "How about after?"
"Sure," I said.
Shauna grabbed my arm. "You're disappearing again, Beck."
I didn't reply.
"I love you, you know. I mean, if you had any sort of sexual appeal whatsoever, I probably would have gone for you instead of your sister."
"I'm flattered," I said. "Really."
"Don't shut me out. If you shut me out, you shut everyone out. Talk to me, okay?"
"Okay," I said. But I can't.
I almost erased the email.
I get so much junk email, spam, bulk emails, you know the drill, and I’ve become quite handy with the delete button. I read the sender's address first. If it's someone I know or from the hospital, fine. If not, I enthusiastically click the delete button.
I sat at my desk and checked the afternoon schedule. Chockfull, which was no surprise. I spun around in my chair and readied my delete finger. One email only. The one that made Homer shriek before. I did the quick scan, and my eyes got snagged on the first two letters of the subject.
What the -?
The way the window screen was formatted, all I could see were those two letters and the sender's email address. The address was unfamiliar to me. A bunch of numbers @comparama.com.
I narrowed my eyes and hit the right scroll button. The subject appeared a character at a time. With each click, my pulse raced a bit more. My breathing grew funny. I kept my finger on the scroll button and waited.
When I was done, when all the letters showed themselves, I read the subject again and when I did, I felt a deep, hard thud in my heart.
"Dr. Beck?"
My mouth wouldn't work. "Dr. Beck?"
"Give me a minute, Wanda."
She hesitated. I could still hear her on the intercom. Then I heard it click off.
I kept staring at the screen:
To:  [email protected]
From:  [email protected]
Subject: E.P. + D.B /////////////////////
Twenty-one lines. I've counted four times already.
It was a cruel, sick joke. I knew that. My hands tightened into fists. I wondered what chicken-shitted son of a bitch had sent it. It was easy to be anonymous in emails – the best refuge of the techno-coward. But the thing was, very few people knew about the tree or our anniversary. The media never learned about it. Shauna knew, of course. And Linda. Elizabeth might have told her parents or uncle. But outside of that…
So who sent it?
I wanted to read the message, of course, but something held me back. The truth is, I think about Elizabeth more than I let on-I don't think I'm fooling anyone there – but I never talk about her or what happened. People think I'm being macho or brave, that I'm trying to spare my friends or shunning people's pity or some such nonsense. That's not it. Talking about Elizabeth hurts. A lot. It brings back her last scream. It brings back all the unanswered questions. It brings back the might-have-beens (few things, I assure you, will devastate like the might-have-beens It brings back the guilt, the feelings, no matter how irrational, that a stronger man – a better man – might have saved her.
They say it takes a long time to comprehend a tragedy. You're numb. You can't adequately accept the grim reality. Again, that's not true. Not for me anyway. I understood the full implications the moment they found Elizabeth 's body. I understood that I would never see her again, that I would never hold her again, that we would never have children or grow old together. I understood that this was final, that there was no reprieve, that nothing could be bartered or negotiated.
I started crying immediately. Sobbing uncontrollably. I sobbed like that for almost a week without letup. I sobbed through the funeral. I let no one touch me, not even Shauna or Einda. I slept alone in our bed, burying my head in Elizabeth 's pillow, trying to smell her. I went through her closets and pressed her clothes against my face. None of this was comforting. It was weird and it hurt. But it was her smell, a part of her, and I did it anyway.
Well-meaning friends – often the worst kind – handed me the usual cliches, and so I feel in a pretty good position to warn you: Just offer your deepest condolences. Don't tell me I'm young. Don't tell me it'll get better. Don't tell me she's in a better place. Don't tell me it's part of some divine plan. Don't tell me that I was lucky to have known such a love. Every one of those platitudes pissed me off. They made me – and this is going to sound uncharitable – stare at the idiot and wonder why he or she still breathed while my Elizabeth rotted.
I kept hearing that "better to have loved and lost" bullshit. Another falsehood. Trust me, it is not better. Don't show me paradise and then burn it down. That was part of it. The selfish part. What got to me more – what really hurt – was that Elizabeth was denied so much. I can't tell you how many times I see or do something and I think of how much Elizabeth would have loved it and the pang hits me anew.
People wonder if I have any regrets. The answer is, only one. I regret that there were moments I wasted doing something other than making Elizabeth happy.
"Dr. Beck?"
"One more second," I said.
I put my hand on the mouse and moved the cursor over the Read icon. I clicked it and the message came up:
To:  [email protected]
From:  [email protected]
Subject: E.P. + D.B/////////////////////
Message: Click on this hyperlink kiss time, anniversary.
A lead block formed in my chest.
Kiss time?
It was a joke, had to be. I am not big on cryptic. I'm also not big on waiting.
I grabbed the mouse again and moved the arrow over the hyperlink I clicked and heard the primordial modem screech the mating call of machinery. We have an old system at the clinic. It took a while for the Web browser to appear. I waited, thinking Kiss time, how do they know about kiss time?
The browser came up. It read error.
I frowned. Who the hell sent this? I tried it a second time, and again the error message came up. It was a broken link.
Who the hell knew about kiss time?
I have never told anyone. Elizabeth and I didn't much discuss it, probably because it was no big deal. We were corny to the point of Pollyanna, so stuff like this we just kept to ourselves. It was embarrassing really, but when we kissed that first time twenty-one years ago, I noted the time. Just for fun. I pulled back and looked at my Casio watch and said, "Six-fifteen."
And Elizabeth said, "Kiss time."
I looked at the message yet again. I started getting pissed now. This was way beyond funny. It's one thing to send a cruel email, but…
Kiss time.
Well, kiss time was 6:15 P.M. tomorrow. I didn't have much choice. I'd have to wait until then.
So be it.
I saved the email onto a diskette just in case. I pulled down the print options and hit Print All. I don't know much about computers, but I know that you could sometimes trace the origin of a message from all that gobbledygook at the bottom. I heard the printer purr. I took another look at the subject. I counted the lines again. Still twenty-one.
I thought about that tree and that first kiss, and there in my tight, stifling office I started to smell the strawberry Pixie Stix.