Pygmalion

You’d better leave a note for  Mrs. Pearce about the coffee; for she won’t be told by me.

Higgins
Formally. Damn  Mrs. Pearce; and damn the coffee; and damn you; and damn my own folly in having lavished hard-earned knowledge and the treasure of my regard and intimacy on a heartless guttersnipe. He goes out with impressive decorum, and spoils it by slamming the door savagely.



Eliza smiles for the first time; expresses her feelings by a wild pantomime in which an imitation of Higgins’s exit is confused with her own triumph; and finally goes down on her knees on the hearthrug to look for the ring.


Act V




 Mrs. Higgins’s drawing-room. She is at her writing-table as before. The Parlormaid comes in.


The Parlormaid
At the door.  Mr. Henry, ma’am, is downstairs with Colonel Pickering.


 Mrs. Higgins
Well, show them up.


The Parlormaid
They’re using the telephone, ma’am. Telephoning to the police, I think.


 Mrs. Higgins
What!


The Parlormaid
Coming further in and lowering her voice.  Mr. Henry’s in a state, ma’am. I thought I’d better tell you.


 Mrs. Higgins
If you had told me that  Mr. Henry was not in a state it would have been more surprising. Tell them to come up when they’ve finished with the police. I suppose he’s lost something.


The Parlormaid
Yes, ma’am Going.


 Mrs. Higgins
Go upstairs and tell Miss Doolittle that  Mr. Henry and the Colonel are here. Ask her not to come down till I send for her.


The Parlormaid
Yes, ma’am.



Higgins bursts in. He is, as The Parlormaid has said, in a state.


Higgins
Look here, mother: here’s a confounded thing!


 Mrs. Higgins
Yes, dear. Good morning. He checks his impatience and kisses her, whilst The Parlormaid goes out. What is it?


Higgins
Eliza’s bolted.


 Mrs. Higgins
Calmly continuing her writing. You must have frightened her.


Higgins
Frightened her! nonsense! She was left last night, as usual, to turn out the lights and all that; and instead of going to bed she changed her clothes and went right off: her bed wasn’t slept in. She came in a cab for her things before seven this morning; and that fool  Mrs. Pearce let her have them without telling me a word about it. What am I to do?


 Mrs. Higgins
Do without, I’m afraid, Henry. The girl has a perfect right to leave if she chooses.


Higgins
Wandering distractedly across the room. But I can’t find anything. I don’t know what appointments I’ve got. I’m⁠—Pickering comes in.  Mrs. Higgins puts down her pen and turns away from the writing-table.


Pickering
Shaking hands. Good morning,  Mrs. Higgins. Has Henry told you? He sits down on the ottoman.


Higgins
What does that ass of an inspector say? Have you offered a reward?


 Mrs. Higgins
Rising in indignant amazement. You don’t mean to say you have set the police after Eliza?


Higgins
Of course. What are the police for? What else could we do? He sits in the Elizabethan chair.


Pickering
The inspector made a lot of difficulties. I really think he suspected us of some improper purpose.


 Mrs. Higgins
Well, of course he did. What right have you to go to the police and give the girl’s name as if she were a thief, or a lost umbrella, or something? Really! She sits down again, deeply vexed.


Higgins
But we want to find her.


Pickering
We can’t let her go like this, you know,  Mrs. Higgins. What were we to do?


 Mrs. Higgins
You have no more sense, either of you, than two children. Why⁠—



The Parlormaid comes in and breaks off the conversation.


The Parlormaid
 Mr. Henry: a gentleman wants to see you very particular. He’s been sent on from Wimpole Street.


Higgins
Oh, bother! I can’t see anyone now. Who is it?


The Parlormaid
A  Mr. Doolittle, Sir.


Pickering
Doolittle! Do you mean the dustman?


The Parlormaid
Dustman! Oh no, sir: a gentleman.


Higgins
Springing up excitedly. By George, Pick, it’s some relative of hers that she’s gone to. Somebody we know nothing about. To The Parlormaid. Send him up, quick.


The Parlormaid
Yes, Sir. She goes.


Higgins
Eagerly, going to his mother. Genteel relatives! now we shall hear something. He sits down in the Chippendale chair.


 Mrs. Higgins
Do you know any of her people?


Pickering
Only her father: the fellow we told you about.


The Parlormaid
Announcing.  Mr. Doolittle. She withdraws.



Doolittle enters. He is brilliantly dressed in a new fashionable frock-coat, with white waistcoat and grey trousers. A flower in his buttonhole, a dazzling silk hat, and patent leather shoes complete the effect. He is too concerned with the business he has come on to notice  Mrs. Higgins. He walks straight to Higgins, and accosts him with vehement reproach.


Doolittle
Indicating his own person. See here! Do you see this? You done this.


Higgins
Done what, man?


Doolittle
This, I tell you. Look at it. Look at this hat. Look at this coat.


Pickering
Has Eliza been buying you clothes?


Doolittle
Eliza! not she. Not half. Why would she buy me clothes?


 Mrs. Higgins
Good morning,  Mr. Doolittle. Won’t you sit down?


Doolittle
Taken aback as he becomes conscious that he has forgotten his hostess. Asking your pardon, ma’am. He approaches her and shakes her proffered hand. Thank you. He sits down on the ottoman, on Pickering’s right. I am that full of what has happened to me that I can’t think of anything else.


Higgins
What the dickens has happened to you?


Doolittle
I shouldn’t mind if it had only happened to me: anything might happen to anybody and nobody to blame but Providence, as you might say. But this is something that you done to me: yes, you, Henry Higgins.


Higgins
Have you found Eliza? That’s the point.


Doolittle
Have you lost her?


Higgins
Yes.


Doolittle
You have all the luck, you have. I ain’t found her; but she’ll find me quick enough now after what you done to me.


 Mrs. Higgins
But what has my son done to you,  Mr. Doolittle?


Doolittle
Done to me! Ruined me. Destroyed my happiness. Tied me up and delivered me into the hands of middle class morality.


Higgins
Rising intolerantly and standing