The Comedy of Errors

a one as a man may not speak of without he say “sir-reverence.” I have but lean luck in the match, and yet is she a wondrous fat marriage.

Antipholus of Syracuse
How dost thou mean a fat marriage?


Dromio of Syracuse
Marry, sir, she’s the kitchen wench and all grease; and I know not what use to put her to but to make a lamp of her and run from her by her own light. I warrant, her rags and the tallow in them will burn a Poland winter: if she lives till doomsday, she’ll burn a week longer than the whole world.


Antipholus of Syracuse
What complexion is she of?


Dromio of Syracuse
Swart, like my shoe, but her face nothing like so clean kept: for why, she sweats; a man may go over shoes in the grime of it.


Antipholus of Syracuse
That’s a fault that water will mend.


Dromio of Syracuse
No, sir, ’tis in grain; Noah’s flood could not do it.


Antipholus of Syracuse
What’s her name?


Dromio of Syracuse
Nell, sir; but her name and three quarters, that’s an ell and three quarters, will not measure her from hip to hip.


Antipholus of Syracuse
Then she bears some breadth?


Dromio of Syracuse
No longer from head to foot than from hip to hip: she is spherical, like a globe; I could find out countries in her.


Antipholus of Syracuse
In what part of her body stands Ireland?


Dromio of Syracuse
Marry, sir, in her buttocks: I found it out by the bogs.


Antipholus of Syracuse
Where Scotland?


Dromio of Syracuse
I found it by the barrenness; hard in the palm of the hand.


Antipholus of Syracuse
Where France?


Dromio of Syracuse
In her forehead; armed and reverted, making war against her hair.


Antipholus of Syracuse
Where England?


Dromio of Syracuse
I looked for the chalky cliffs, but I could find no whiteness in them; but I guess it stood in her chin, by the salt rheum that ran between France and it.


Antipholus of Syracuse
Where Spain?


Dromio of Syracuse
Faith, I saw it not; but I felt it hot in her breath.


Antipholus of Syracuse
Where America, the Indies?


Dromio of Syracuse
Oh, sir, upon her nose, all o’er embellished with rubies, carbuncles, sapphires, declining their rich aspect to the hot breath of Spain; who sent whole armadoes of caracks to be ballast at her nose.


Antipholus of Syracuse
Where stood Belgia, the Netherlands?


Dromio of Syracuse
Oh, sir, I did not look so low. To conclude, this drudge, or diviner, laid claim to me; called me Dromio; swore I was assured to her; told me what privy marks I had about me, as, the mark of my shoulder, the mole in my neck, the great wart on my left arm, that I amazed ran from her as a witch: And, I think, if my breast had not been made of faith and my heart of steel, she had transform’d me to a curtal dog and made me turn i’ the wheel.


Antipholus of Syracuse

Go hie thee presently, post to the road:

An if the wind blow any way from shore,

I will not harbour in this town tonight:

If any bark put forth, come to the mart,

Where I will walk till thou return to me.

If everyone knows us and we know none,

’Tis time, I think, to trudge, pack and be gone.



Dromio of Syracuse

As from a bear a man would run for life,

So fly I from her that would be my wife. Exit.



Antipholus of Syracuse

There’s none but witches do inhabit here;

And therefore ’tis high time that I were hence.

She that doth call me husband, even my soul

Doth for a wife abhor. But her fair sister,

Possess’d with such a gentle sovereign grace,

Of such enchanting presence and discourse,

Hath almost made me traitor to myself:

But lest myself be guilty to self-wrong,

I’ll stop mine ears against the mermaid’s song.




Enter Angelo with the chain.


Angelo
Master Antipholus⁠—


Antipholus of Syracuse
Ay, that’s my name.


Angelo

I know it well, sir: lo, here is the chain.

I thought to have ta’en you at the Porpentine:

The chain unfinish’d made me stay thus long.



Antipholus of Syracuse
What is your will that I shall do with this?


Angelo
What please yourself, sir: I have made it for you.


Antipholus of Syracuse
Made it for me, sir! I bespoke it not.


Angelo

Not once, nor twice, but twenty times you have.

Go home with it and please your wife withal;

And soon at supper-time I’ll visit you

And then receive my money for the chain.



Antipholus of Syracuse

I pray you, sir, receive the money now,

For fear you ne’er see chain nor money more.



Angelo
You are a merry man, sir: fare you well. Exit.


Antipholus of Syracuse

What I should think of this, I cannot tell:

But this I think, there’s no man is so vain

That would refuse so fair an offer’d chain.

I see a man here needs not live by shifts,

When in the streets he meets such golden gifts.

I’ll to the mart and there for Dromio stay:

If any ship put out, then straight away. Exit.



Act IV

Scene I
A public place.




Enter Second Merchant, Angelo, and an Officer.


Second Merchant

You know since Pentecost the sum is due,

And since I have not much importuned you;

Nor now I had not, but that I am bound

To Persia and want guilders for my voyage:

Therefore make present satisfaction,

Or I’ll attach you by this officer.



Angelo

Even just the sum that I do owe to you

Is growing to me by Antipholus,

And in the instant that I met with you

He had of me a chain: at five o’clock

I shall receive the money for the same.

Pleaseth you walk with me down to his house,

I will discharge my bond and thank you too.




Enter Antipholus of Ephesus and Dromio of Ephesus from the courtesan’s.


Officer
That labour may you save: see where he comes.


Antipholus of Ephesus

While I go to the goldsmith’s house, go thou

And buy a rope’s end: that will I bestow

Among my wife and her confederates,

For locking me out