Songs For Your Mother

It’s only that I’m not entirely sure that I like it.
‘You know where I am. I’m easy to find. Besides, we can do all that later. Names and numbers and all the ways that we can connect. I know we’re tempting fate, only I always thought that’s what fate wants us to do, right? To tempt it every now and again to see what happens, to check we’re paying attention, and that we’re fighting hard enough for all the things that we want,’ Lauren says.
I love what Lauren’s saying, the theory at least. It’s bold and romantic, only it still feels like a gamble, and like we’re playing a game of chance. Even if it’s one where the odds are stacked in our favour, and the game is ours to win. All I have to do is drive Will to the railway station in San Jose and turn around and head back to Santa Cruz and Lauren. I push my nagging doubts aside. Lauren’s mind is made up, and we’re in the moment, so I roll with it.
‘Sounds good,’ I say, and I can hear my voice crack. ‘I’m coming straight back.’
‘Of course it does. Now, come here,’ she says.
I step forward, and Lauren puts her arms around my neck and presses her lips to mine. It’s a noisy, wet kiss, a morning kiss, and then she steps back and holds her hand up.
‘Okay, it’s time for you to go and do what you’ve got do,’ she says.
I nod in agreement although I’m not ready to let go. I want to stay longer and hang on to this moment for as long as possible.
I am about to say something else; I open my mouth, and mostly I want to say hello again, ask her how she is and go from there. Lauren shakes her head. She’s telling me that for now at least there isn’t room for any more words. Lauren blows a kiss, turns and begins to walk. I stand there and watch her go, not moving until she rounds the corner. She doesn’t look back, and somehow, I didn’t expect her to. I’m sure that it had something to do with tempting fate as well. I am also sure Lauren knew that I was watching her, right up to the moment she disappeared.

Chapter 4
I find my way back to the B&B where Will and I had checked in the previous afternoon. Will is lying on his side on his bed watching a morning news show and waiting.
‘Finally. Where have you been?’ Will asks.
I shake my head and ignore the question. ‘Are you packed and ready to go? We should hit the road. You have a train and a plane to catch.’
‘So, you’re not going to tell me where you spent the night?’
‘No, I’m not. That would be like we were on a trip together and we’re not,’ I say. I do a quick wash and change, and we take our stuff down to the car and throw it in the boot. I get behind the wheel and start the car.
I connect my iPhone and play one of our original road trip playlists. I’m feeling good, and I drive with a smile on my face. We head out of Santa Cruz towards San Jose. As we go, I have the weirdest feeling: my skin starts to tingle, and my stomach turns, like when you’re convinced you’ve left something behind. I don’t know another way to put it other than maybe a ratcheting sense of anxiety. I brush the thoughts aside. I can see Will looking at me out of the corner of his eye, and scowling. He’s annoyed by me being so unaccountably happy, and wondering why my disposition has become so sunny after the gloom of yesterday? This makes me smile some more. I know that I’ll be driving straight back as soon as I’ve dropped off Will and I am enjoying the fact that he doesn’t know. I am enjoying my secret smile. I don’t even mind that much that I miss the turning for the expressway and we’re on the longer, quieter road. I’m enjoying the drive and looking forward to everything that’s coming at the end of it.
We drive in silence, as we had done the previous day. This time around, it’s a less combustible, more comfortable silence, with our arguing about Will’s decision to leave California already done. Besides, rather than argue with Will, I am preoccupied thinking about Lauren and wondering what it means. I am wondering how far the two of us would go, and where would we end up?
My mind is running wild, although I can’t quite let it run away from me. No matter what else happens between the two of us during the days and nights ahead, there’s a clock ticking in the background. One way or another, I am supposed to be getting on a plane in a little over two weeks and flying home to London. I start to think about what would happen if I didn’t get on that plane? If I stay longer, legally, I have three months. I could do that, and the idea is hugely appealing. Maybe we have a future together?
As we round the bend, I continue to turn these thoughts over in my mind when Will slams his palm flat on the plastic of the glove compartment in front of him. There’s a loud crack, and it sparks immediate flashbacks to my driving test, and he shouts, ‘Stop the car.’ Instinctively, I check my mirrors and slam on the brakes. I perform an emergency stop on the side of the road. We jolt forward hard against our seatbelts and fall back into our seats. I glare at Will.
‘Seriously, what the fuck?’ I say.
Will doesn’t say anything. He is looking out of the window into the greenery beyond. The engine is running and the road empty. There’s a gentle breeze blowing through the redwoods that tower tall above us. I turn