Songs For Your Mother

the engine off and the music dies with it. We sit there in the quiet.
I’ve had enough of this, I tell myself, and get out of the car. I walk in a small circle and stretch my legs. Will gets out, and he rests his palms on the bonnet of the car and looks across at me.
‘I was going to tell you when we got in the car, but you were sitting there grinning and being annoying so I left you hanging. Now I’m putting you out of your misery,’ Will says.
‘Tell me what? I thought you outsourced your decision making?’
Will points a finger at me and mouths the word ‘funny’. I can’t suppress it. A smile escapes my lips before I bring my facial features under control.
‘I’m not going to go home,’ Will says. ‘The road trip is back on. I Skyped TSP after you left the B&B. We had a long talk. She knows she’s been acting insane. She’s not a bad person, and she’s your friend. She doesn’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. We talked it out, and she’s okay with me staying. I said I’d call her every day. We agreed that we’d do this trip together at some other point,’ Will says.
My mouth hangs open; it’s the worst possible news. This isn’t part of my new plan. It’s the opposite of my new plan. It means that our road trip is back on. Despite wanting to go back to Lauren, I know deep down that it’s positive news that Will is staying and that it’s good news for our friendship. I’m glad as well that he and TSP have resolved their issue as they are great together. The only problem is that I don’t want to be on the road with Will. I want to be with Lauren. I want to see how far the two of us can go. My heart is sinking like a stone thrown into a pool of water. I know with certainty that any second now Will is going to invoke ‘road trip rules’. I stare at Will, and I know my face carries a look of immense disappointment. It is, I am sure, not the reaction that Will was expecting.
‘What’s going on? I thought you’d be happy to hear this. We’re back on,’ he says.
‘I am, of course, I mean it’s great you and TSP worked this out, but I have a problem,’ I say.
Will looks at me quizzically, and he starts to laugh, and that’s fair enough. As he’s right, I mean, how can I possibly have a problem? He’s the one who has been battling a long-distance relationship crisis with his girlfriend.
‘What problem can you possibly have?’ Will asks.
‘I met this girl last night,’ I say.
‘You have got to be kidding me. This is a road trip,’ Will says.
‘I know, but…’ I pause and shift my shoulders. I drop my head forward and feel the heat from the metal of the car on my skin. I try to think about how I can describe last night and do it justice. There’s only one thing I can say.
‘It was perfect. I said I’d go back as soon as I dropped you off.’
Will nods thoughtfully at this. He rolls his lips and looks away. At that moment it’s like Will is looking back the way we have come, at the road behind us, and I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach like I’ve lost something. It’s a knot of terrible longing.
‘Yeah, but that was before. There isn’t any going back,’ Will says.
‘We could drive back quickly. I could see her and then we could go,’ I say.
‘There’s no driving back quickly. It’s miles in the wrong direction. If I’m willing to put my five-year relationship on the line, then you are going to have to let the girl you met last night go. Road trip rules,’ he says.
Damn, I knew Will would say it. He’s evoked an ancient oath, the unbreakable bond between brothers. Except for this time, it must be broken.
‘This girl is different,’ I say. I’m not sure how many people come along in life. I don’t know how many people you are convinced, beyond anything, are unique. When even after a night together a deep yearning remains. Your heart sings out for them; and feels an empty chill of loneliness without them.
‘You said yourself, we agreed, we planned this trip, and we said we’d do it together. That means no girl in London or Santa Cruz gets in the way,’ Will says.
I know he’s right. It’s what we had agreed and planned. He is quoting myself back at me, using my own words against me. Not going back to see Lauren, however, feels like a betrayal. I know we only met last night, and there have been other girls on long late nights, but this was different. I made a promise, and I gave my word that I would be coming back.
‘There must be a way,’ I say.
Will shakes his head. ‘You know there isn’t. Call her, or message her. Do it when we get to the next stop. We’ll stop for food and wi-fi, two of life’s great essentials. Just as long as we drive on.’
‘Yeah, well that’s kind of the thing. I don’t have her number, and I don’t know her full name,’ I say.
As I say this, I knew I’d been right about fate. I wasn’t convinced at the start, and now I was about to pay a hefty price. I’m such an idiot. I should have pressed Lauren. I could’ve tracked her down online. I didn’t, and because of that I lost her right there and then only I didn’t realise it. It was over before it started. We’d gone all-in, and tempted fate and these were our cards. No competition, fate wins.
‘You don’t have her name or number?’ Will looks at me in disbelief, and I shake my head.
‘Insta, Facebook, Twitter?’
I shake my head again.
‘You idiot.