Bitter Pills

safe house. Visions of him tasting me. Kissing my inner thigh. Rolling my hair around his fist and pulling so he could bite my neck. He buried himself in my soul and invaded my body. He whispered words of adoration over my skin.
And the next morning, he was gone.
“Yes,” I whispered before swallowing.
“I caught him leaving,” Alessandro admitted, his expression carefully blank. “I finally made my way to the safe house. I-I was looking forward to seeing him. Nix said he had something to do but would be back. I could smell you on his skin.”
My mouth dropped open. How did I not know this? Everything about that time was burned vividly in my mind. Did Alessandro not want to share one of the last precious memories with Nix that he had? Those weeks while on the run from Santobello were difficult.
“Did you notice something was off?”
“He looked sad,” Alessandro replied. “He made me promise to watch over you until he came back.”
“Then he never came back,” I choked out. I was so fucking mad at Nix. I wish I knew what made him run. Not knowing was the difficult part. Was he trying to protect us? Was he trying to escape us? I hated that I was just now learning about this, but more so, I hated that I knew the truth. Alessandro didn’t care about me. I was just someone he was forced to babysit. “Would you still have followed me had he not asked?”
“No.”
“Even now?” I clutched my chest as pain rocked through me. I didn’t want to throw a pity party. I didn’t want to drown in the reality that no one stayed with me for me. My mother was a whore that liked opioids more than me. My father didn’t want some bastard child in his Moretti bloodline. My brother saw me as a burden. Alessandro was a constant in my life, but he wasn’t there by choice. Nix was probably the only person who liked me for me, but like everyone else, he left without a trace.
Was it too much to want someone to care? Was it too much to want to be loved?
“Let’s just find Nix, okay? No more questions,” Alessandro said before turning his attention to the window.
“Fine,” I gritted. “But one more question. Why didn’t you stop Nix? Why did you let him leave?”
Alessandro pressed his forehead against the glass. “I’ve never been able to stop Nix from doing whatever he wanted.”
The building we pulled up to was in a heavily populated area of the city. It was a large pink stucco building that had bars on all the windows. The streetlights illuminated the sidewalk, and when I got out of the car, I looked up at the tall high-rise with trepidation. “I’ll go first and make sure it’s safe,” Alessandro said, his tone leaving no room for questioning. Yeah fucking right. There was no way in hell I’d let him go up there first and get the glory of finding Nix. Thoughts of their steamy reunion invaded my brain, and I wanted to scrub my mind of the vision of them stripping out of their clothes and fucking like their lives depended on it.
He didn’t wait for my response. He started stalking toward the entrance, and I followed after him, bumping into his back when he abruptly stopped. “What are you doing?” he asked through gritted teeth.
“Following you. You really think it’s safe for me to stand outside in the middle of the night in this part of the city?”
“You really think I’m going to believe that your stubbornness has anything to do with your desire to feel safe? I’m not going to jump his bones the minute I see him, Grace. I might actually punch him in the jaw,” Alessandro retorted. Of course he would pinpoint my insecurities and step on them with his ostentatious Gucci dress shoes.
“Can we please stop wasting time and just go? I’m following you whether you like it or not, and every second we waste just pisses me off. If it’ll get you to shut up, I’ll give you the first punch.”
Alessandro frowned again but gave in. “Fine.”
The older building was quiet despite the busy city street outside. We had to climb four flights of stairs because the elevator was out of service. When we got to the door numbered forty-three, Alessandro pulled out a toolkit and easily unlocked the door. “You should teach me how to do that,” I said, hoping to lighten the mood. He didn’t respond.
We both stood at the closed door for a moment, stuck in a painful limbo where neither of us wanted to take the first step. This was a big moment. I couldn’t tell what emotion was most prominent in my soul. Was it anger? Excitement? Disappointment? I glanced at Alessandro’s heaving chest and reached around him to twist the knob. Let’s get this shit over with.
The door slowly crept open. My breath hitched.
Alessandro snapped out of his stupor and stepped inside first, but not before grabbing my hand. The small but meaningful gesture hit me hard. I squeezed his hand, not realizing how much I needed this—needed the shaky bond we shared.
“He’s not here,” Alessandro whispered while flipping on a light switch. I felt the truth in his words but hated how quickly he knew. I wanted to cling to my excitement a bit longer.
The loft apartment was a single room and bathroom. All the lights were off. The white bed sheets were a tangled mess. The smell of fast food overflowing from the trash cans made my nose twitch. Alessandro pulled me to the bathroom, checked behind the curtain. Nothing. He opened the cabinets. An empty tube of toothpaste and some cotton balls greeted us. He dragged me to a small dining room table as tears streamed down my face. “Fuck,” I said.
Alessandro dropped my hand and reached for a scrap of paper left behind on the tabletop. I couldn’t make out the