Annaka

laugh, or his smile, or his eyes. All I really knew was that he was white, and that’s why my skin was lighter then everyone else’s in my family. I didn’t look white by any stretch; my brown skin and long braids made it clear who I was. But I was always curious about my other half. Being half black to us always just meant you were black. But I knew I must have a bunch of white cousins somewhere. I wondered if they would like me—not that I needed their validation, but they were still blood, whoever, and wherever, they were.
“I always wanted a father–daughter relationship,” I admitted. “When Mom spent a lot of time away, I spent too much time daydreaming of fatherly figures from sitcoms.”
Tia gave me a sympathetic nod. “Is that what you’re hoping to find with him?”
“I don’t think it’ll end up like that,” I explained. “At the end of the day, he’ll still be a stranger.” I thought for a minute. “I guess what I really want is clarity. I want to know why he wasn’t around, why he chose not to be in my life. He must have had the opportunity. I don’t know…sorry to just unload.”
“Don’t be sorry,” Tia said. “Those thoughts are normal, and real. Are you hoping to search for him soon?”
“It might be a lost cause, it probably is. But we’ll see I guess.”
We sat and watched the water for a while. I wanted to tell her what was actually on my mind, but I knew deep down I couldn’t.
Later that afternoon I went back home to explore Grampy’s study. He loved calling it that even though it was just a spare room on the ground floor. I just wanted to be near a space he’d spent time in. His desk was full of papers I wasn’t supposed to go through, but I did anyway. They were marked grades he never got around to logging in his computer. It was actually really sad. Curious, I went through some of them. I came across an essay by Tia. I skimmed most of it but I saw she received an 89 percent. Not bad.
I opened up one of his drawers to find a picture frame. The photo inside showed the same woman who was in the photo album in the attic. The photo itself was different, though: the woman looked a lot skinnier and she didn’t have any hair. But she still had a large smile. I tried not to overthink it since I already had enough on my mind.
I put the papers and frame away and made my way towards my bedroom, but I could hear R&B drifting up from the living room. I followed the noise and saw Mom in her own space, completely zoned out. She didn’t even notice me come in. She had a canvas standing in the middle of the living room and she was creating a new world. Mom created worlds like I did, only in a different way—I required a journal, she had her canvas.
“Anna.” Mom noticed me. “I didn’t hear you come in. How was hanging with Tia?”
“It was fine. We went to the lighthouse.” I looked around. “Where’s Nan?”
“Lillian took her for a walk. Said she wanted me to relax a bit…so I did this.” She moved out of the way and showed me what she was working on. I saw the backyard recreated. It had everything—the tree house on the right, lake in the background, firepit in the foreground, and a lawn of bright green grass.
“They say one of the best ways to help with the grieving process is to create,” she said, considering the canvas. Then she sighed and turned to me. “I haven’t seen you much since we made it back. How are you keeping up, Anna?”
“As well as I can, I guess. A week ago I just…wouldn’t have expected any of this.”
Mom nodded. “I know. It’s hard to adjust to changes like this. I wanted you to get out today and get used to the town a bit again, because there are more changes to come.”
I looked her in the eye. “What do you mean, more changes?”
Mom sighed. “Remember when I said we were going to be here a while?”
“Yes. How long is a while?”
“Well, long enough for you to register for school.”
Everything just slowed down when she said that.
I was supposed to finish grade eleven in Halifax, and this summer I would start saving up and applying for colleges.
“What?”
She rushed to explain: “Most schools wouldn’t take in a student this late in the year, but Grampy was well loved here. You’re lucky.”
“I’m lucky? Mom, I don’t want to stay here.”
“I know, sweetheart. But we don’t have a choice right now. Your grandmother is in a bad spot. Your grandfather was her main caretaker and Ben and Lillian are getting up there with age.”
Everything inside me dropped. I was frustrated, mad, and wanted to be anywhere but there. I wanted to cry, but I kept my composure.
“Mom, I can’t just leave my life in Halifax behind!”
“You’re not. You’re starting anew.” She paused. “Look, I know you wanted to save up money this summer but maybe you can get a job here? I’m sure there are some shops you can apply to. We just need to be close. For Nan.”
“I don’t want to be close. Nan doesn’t even remember me. That’s messed up, for real. I can’t handle it. Being near her makes me want to burst into tears and—” my throat began to tighten up and I knew tears were coming. I tried my hardest to fight it.
“Anna, I know.” Mom put a hand on my shoulder. “It hurts me too—she’s my mom. But she’s going through a difficult time.”
“There’s no one here for me!” I managed to get out. I knew that wasn’t true, but I also wanted to make a point. “Everyone I cared about is either dead, or doesn’t remember me.”
Now all of