Annaka

a sudden Mom wanted to be close? If she wanted to be close, she shouldn’t have made us leave in the first place. If she wanted to be close she should have brought us back here before Grampy died.
“I have to go,” I told Mom in a frustrated voice.
“Where?”
“To be alone.”
I stomped up to my room and slammed the door.
I ended up just lying in my bed for a while. The mental gymnastics of navigating this last week made my body ache, but my mind was wide awake. I didn’t know if I could handle school in Yarmouth. I didn’t really know anyone here besides Tia. I was sure people would recognize me from elementary, but no one would really know me. I would just be the sympathy case—Mr. Brooks’s granddaughter. I was a loner in Halifax, but I could get away with it there. In a small town? Not remotely.
I felt lost and didn’t know how to find a way out.
Eventually I drifted off and awoke to moonlight crashing through my window and lighting up the room. The closet door was open and I could still see Clay written on the wall inside. I wanted to find him again, but wasn’t sure when he’d come back. I knew where the journal was, and that he was attracted to it. I had parked the truck back in the garage and the journal was in the glove compartment. I knew I had to be gentle, so when I went out to the garage, I took the journal out and just spoke to it while sitting in the back of the truck. Somehow, I knew that would get his attention.
“Hey, dude. Wanna talk about last night?” I asked. “I’m going to be in Yarmouth a while, I guess, so it looks like I have lots of time.”
There was no ta-da moment where Clay appeared. It’s not like he was a genie in a bottle—he was his own thing. I lay in the bed of the truck thinking of a way to make him come out.
“You know, we had a lot of adventures when we were young,” I spoke aloud. “Clay, I’m so sorry I left. I honestly didn’t think you would wait all this time.”
I didn’t realize how awful that last part sounded until I said it out loud.
“Listen, I know. I’m an asshole. You have every right to give me the silent treatment.” I stopped to gather my thoughts. I just wanted him to understand. “I do appreciate what you did for me last night, though. It felt like a gift. And honestly, Clay, so much has changed in ten years. I wanted to come back but we just never did. Some things are out of my control. I never wanted to hurt you, and I’m sorry that I did.”
Still nothing.
I waited a few more moments and said, “What is it that you want?”
I felt him swipe the journal out of my hand from above. I looked up, and there he was.
“Holy crap!” I screamed. I dropped into the bed of the truck “You scared me.” I said. “What’s your deal, man?”
“So, everyone you loved is either dead or forgot about you?” He was upset. “Last time I checked, Anna, I’m alive. And I never ever forgot about you!”
“Wait, what are you talking about?”
Then it clicked. I had said those exact words to Mom earlier. “Clay, I didn’t mean that, I was just angry. And anyway: how did you hear that?”
“You think I’m not always close by?” he demanded. “Did you forget that about me?”
Right, I thought, Clay can make himself invisible. Given what I said, I felt a hundred times worse knowing he was there and had to hear it.
He still had that look of hurt on his face. God, I had really messed up with him. There was a lot I had to own up to, and be accountable for. In some weird way, I had brought Clay into this world, and I had abandoned him in it.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, even thought I knew full well the words weren’t enough. “Is there anything I can do? We can go for a drive? Buy some food?”
“It isn’t that easy.” Clay let out a breath. “You couldn’t have just sent a letter I would find? You couldn’t have asked your grandparents to send you the journal?” He looked like he was fighting back tears.
“There’s so many things that I could have done differently, Clay, and believe me, if I could have, I would have. Please, please believe that.”
“You’re only saying that because you thought I would be gone.” He wiped the tears from his eyes. “Well, here I am. A little bigger than when you left.”
“But I’m back now,” I said. “I’m here to spend time with you.”
He scoffed at that. “You’re here because your grandfather died, Anna, not to see me. I’m the afterthought of your story, so you’ll forgive me for not jumping for joy and riding off into the sunset with you. You never cared. You don’t even wanna be here!”
Ouch.
“Clay, please. I know what you’re going thro—”
“No you don’t,” he cut me off. “How do you know what it feels like, waiting for someone who doesn’t even think about you?”
The truth was I did know what that felt like, but I didn’t think it was my place to say so. Not then.
“What do you even want from me?” Clay asked me.
He had waited for me all those years and he grew just like me. He looked to be around the same age as me, had similar hair, and was dressed in my grandfather’s old sweater. I knew I had been a bad friend. Not just to him, but to everyone. I was flaky, and I recognized that I sometimes only put in work towards friendships if it benefitted me. I thought about Tia’s thoughtful questions and patient presence, and wondered how I could be more like her. I knew had to work on it.
But there were