Topsy Turvy Kinda Love
go home and deal with everything.The time has come to stop hiding from my life. Brooks and I have a baby on the way, and we need to get our shit together. No matter how today pans out, I need to be prepared to walk away if he says he doesn’t want to do this anymore.
This baby deserves everything I can give it. It needs to know it’s loved. I never want this child to go through what I did, wondering if you’re more than just a mere existence that’s never been wanted.
I put the car into park outside the apartment and stop to breathe in the chilled air. It’s a shock to my lungs, but I cling to the initial zap. Rubbing my hand over my still flat stomach, I whisper, “Okay, nugget, let’s hope this goes well.”
The stairs seem daunting, and my heart beats harder with each step. Taking another deep breath, I notice that my hands are shaking.
The events of three nights ago rain on my parade, and I feel nauseous about all of it.
What if he doesn’t want us? A little voice in my brain whispers.
He’s not Chad, I remind myself. Taking the stairs, this time seems to be the longest journey of my life. When my feet come to a halt in front of our door, I can’t bring myself to just open it.
A sob works its way up my throat, and I start to panic thinking maybe I’m worked up and Brooks isn’t even staying here anymore. Maybe he got smart and moved out. I wouldn’t blame him. I would’ve given up on myself a while ago.
But why would he have asked me to come home if that was the case? I’m still hurt and frustrated over our last talk, but I tamper it down. We need to talk, and I’m going to hope that when I walk through the door he’ll be sitting waiting for me.
The door opens before I have a chance to grab the knob, and there stands Brooks looking like sex on a stick. A smile crosses his face, but never reaches his eyes. I can see that he hasn’t been sleeping either. His eyes are bloodshot and dark shadows hang in bags below them.
His look is weary and worried, and I can see myself mirroring the same exact look. My shoulders sag with the unknown weighing them down. I have no idea what he’s thinking. He motions me inside and then has me wrapped in his arms seconds later. “Thank you for coming home to me.”
“Thank you for giving me some space to figure my shit out, but I’m still mad at you. You hurt me, Brooks.”
“I know. We need to talk.” I nod and just stand there in his warm embrace. I’ve missed him. His strength. His smell. The way his body wraps around mine when he hugs me. That huge boner between us.
“Brooks…”
“I know I can’t help it. He has a mind of his own. I plead the fifth.”
“Well, you have a lot of making up to do, and I expect the good dick.”
“When do I not give you good dick, Mia?”
“Touché, but first. We need to talk about us.”
He looks down at me pointedly. “Okay, let’s start with how long you’ve been standing outside our front door?”
I startle and look up at him. “Not that long. I was composing myself.”
“Why did you have to compose yourself?”
My shoulders rise with a deep inhale. “Because I just ran, Brooks, like I always do when shit gets hard. Like I’ve been doing since I was a teenager. I start getting emotions, they rampage out of control, and when I can’t shut them down, I bounce. I didn’t want to say anything else I couldn’t take back.”
“Let me apologize first, Mia. I think everything got completely out of line that night. Things were said that shouldn’t have been said. Emotions were flying high.”
“Truth, I was thinking that maybe you were gone. Maybe you’d had time to think about it last night and decided that I wasn’t worth all my drama. That you could find another girl to settle down with and have a real relationship. This heart,” I said, pointing at my chest. “Doesn’t work like everyone else’s does. It gets scared. It shuts down and hides.”
“It’s not a weakness to admit that this scares you, Mia. I think you’re brave for being honest about it. Hell, it scares me too, but I have faith in us. I think we’ll make great parents.”
“You go straight to talking about the baby again, Brooks. What about us?”
“I want this, Mia. I want you. I want you like I’ve never wanted anything in my whole entire life. Leaving the compound and moving here was the best damn decision I’ve ever made, and the fact that you’re carrying my child. I’m so fucking lucky, Mia. You’ve made me a father and that’s something I can never ever thank you enough for…This baby is half you and half me. It’s going to be perfect, and I will never take either of you for granted. I’m also terrified that I’ll be a shit dad and that I’ll do something that will hurt you or make you want to run. I had a shit role model, so I’ll figure it out. But I know I can’t lose you. It would break me.”
“But what if I can’t do this? What if I do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing?”
“You can do this, I believe in you.”
“How do you know?”
“Because you are a badass pixie, Mia Preston, and I will be right here beside you the whole entire time. I’m not leaving you.”
I pull back and cross my arms. “What about the marriage thing? You seemed pretty sure that you didn’t want to ask me.”
“Mia, I know you aren’t ready for that. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have even brought it up. I would love for you to be my wife someday, but I’m not rushing it. I