Anna's Secret

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“Okay. Okay. I won’t touch you, but where do we go from here?”
When she didn’t immediately answer, he answered for her.
“We can start over. I’ll give you time to grieve. I respect what you and Steven had. We can just nurture the friendship we’ve always shared. It’s what I had meant to do in the first place. He lifted a hand up toward her face then dropped it. “You’ll find me a patient man, but please give me a chance.”
What could she say? How could she crush the heart of such a kind man? Her careful plan lay ripped apart by his gentleness. She had intended to do the talking but instead stood mute. Her short, pointed dismissal had turned into his sweet proposition. Where she planned to ask his forgiveness for her part and tell him that she was not ready for a relationship, he circumvented with his apology and respect enough for her beliefs to try and understand them. Her plan to communicate a need to be left alone instead became his offer—an antidote to a very lonely life ahead. What she hadn’t counted on was how much his presence would make her feel—the spark of something deep inside her that wanted life, love, and happiness. Her heart skipped a beat as she gazed into his hopeful eyes.
“Matt, there’s nothing I would love more. You’re an amazing man …”
He stepped closer in anticipation, and she almost capitulated. It took all she had to shake her head. He stopped short.
“Matt, you don’t understand. I just can’t.”
Brought back to reality, she remembered. There were a thousand solid reasons their relationship wouldn’t work. First and foremost, he wasn’t a believer, and secondly, they were worlds apart. His sheer good looks, position, intelligence, money and the fact he was younger, all screamed run. She had noticed the way the nurses on the cancer ward swooned every time he came around. She was no match for their constant charm. He would tire of her all too quickly, and then where would she be? They came from different worlds and different belief structures, and her decision was sound.
The support she had from Pastor Harry and Eleanor had been amazing. This baby needed the influence of a loving church that would stay the course. She didn’t have it in her to cause shame and hurt to her sons and extended family by starting up a relationship that was doomed for failure.
A way out of her predicament had been handed to her gift wrapped and tied in a bow, and she planned to open it. However, if she didn’t set Matt straight right here, right now, she would be tied to him forever.
The truth shall set you free.
She hadn’t heard those words for a few weeks now, and she sure didn’t want to hear them now. The one person she would have to directly lie to stood in front of her with soulful eyes and an intense determination. She needed strength to pull this off, not Bible verses flitting about in her head.
She turned away from his stare. “Matt, I’m sorry too. I’m not proud of what I did that night. I hope you can forgive me.” When he tried to interject, she stopped him. “I listened to you, now please do the same for me.”
He slid onto the bar stool beside the kitchen island. With deliberate care she positioned herself on the opposite side. She prayed he wouldn’t notice the flush in her cheeks and hated the way she blushed when emotions ran hot. As she tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, the tremble in her hands came into full view. She lowered them to her lap and clutched them together.
“It … it just won’t work. I’m still crippled with grief. I’m sorry for what I did, but I was lonely. It meant nothing more.”
Matt stood abruptly to his feet and walked around the island removing the barrier between them. A ripple of fear skittered up her spine. She knew she couldn’t hide the truth if he touched her. She would be lost.
“What are you so afraid of Anna? Is it possible that you’re lying to me? What’s going on? I don’t fit into your perfect little Christian world, or you’re embarrassed you have feelings for me so soon after your husband’s death? Don’t give me that shocked look, I know I’m very close to the truth. Your little speech rang far too hollow.”
He reached for her and in one sweep pulled her close. Without giving her time to protest, he lowered his lips to hers.
Anna struggled not to respond, but after a second of hesitation all reason vanished and she melted in the warmth, the taste, the beautiful sensation of being kissed by a man who desired her.

Matt pulled his head up. “I’m sorry I had to do that, but I have my answer.”
She caught his look of satisfaction and wrenched out of his embrace. Tears burnt hot. The desire to cry turned into anger. She lashed out. “Why did you do that? Can’t you respect what I’m trying to say?”
“Anna, I can see you’re angry, but you’re lying to me and to yourself. You needed to know that.”
The urge to hit him and finish that kiss collided.
Knots of anxiety twisted in her stomach and her forehead broke out in a cold sweat. She somehow had to make him believe her. Her whole future hung in the balance. The choice of truth or lies lay before her. She stepped into the fray. Once the lies started, they flowed like lava spewing from an erupted volcano.
“I … I’m truly sorry, Matt, but I don’t feel anything for you. I was remembering Steven … both then and now.” There was a catch in her voice, before she hammered the message home. “When we made love, I imagined Steven once again healthy and strong beside me. I’ll love him until the day I die. There’s no one who can take his